(upbeat music)
- You're walking down the street,
and you say hi to a baby.
(audience laughs)
And, uh, and the baby goes,
(Adam babbling)
And you go, "Yeah, that's great."
And then, and the mother goes,
"He can say hi back."
And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
And the kid goes,
(Adam babbling)
And you go, "There it is."
And the mother goes, "No, no, he really can say it."
And the kid goes,
(Adam babbling)
And you go, "Hey, that was great."
And the mother goes, "No, he really can say it."
And the kid goes,
(Adam babbling)
And you go, "There it is. That was it, right?"
And then the mother's like, "No! Say it, say hi."
And the kid's like,
(Adam babbling)
And then the mother's say, "What the fuck?
Say it!
You said it earlier!"
And the kid's like,
(Adam babbling)
And you're like,
"Hey, that was a full sentence.
That's better than hi."
And the mother's like, "What the, I'm so mad at you, baby!"
(audience laughs)
And then she like hands you the baby,
and she's like, "I gotta walk this off.
It's very discouraging for me.
He said it earlier."
And you're holding the baby like,
"Say it, just go ahead and say it, say hi.
Come on, you really upset your mother."
And the kids looking at you
(Adam babbling)
And you're like, "Come on, get it out, get it out.
It's gonna make her feel better."
And the kid says,
(Adam whispering)
And you're like, "You can do it, come on."
And the kids like,
(Adam babbling)
"Help me."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
How about the times you wake up.
Ever wake up at 4:30 in the morning,
and you're like,
"God damn it, what am I doing up right now?
4:30, can't fall asleep.
I know I'm fucking ruined for the day."
You ever do one of those things,
where you're like, "Let me just get out of bed."
And live like those people who always goes,
"Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.
I do that for me.
That's me time.
I spend the morning alone.
It's my time, man.
It's the best.
Sets me in the right mood."
You're like,
"let me be one of those fucking pricks,
I'll get up at 4:30."
And you get up at 4:30, and you make yourself breakfast,
you're like, "Wow, this is good,
making myself breakfast?
I never do that."
And then you workout,
you're like, "I'm working out this early?
Holy shit, that's out of the way.
That's great.
And then you, uh, have yourself another breakfast.
You're like, "Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."
And then you flip on the news and you go,
"There's news before the news?
Who the fuck are these people?"
"They're very good, they should be on the real news."
And you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm.
You're like, "Is that the fucking early bird?
I've been hearing about that thing for a long time.
There he is, Holy shit."
Then a bus shows up and your kids get on it.
You're like, "That's how they fucking get to school?
Nobody fucking told me that.
What a day.
This is interesting."
And then you're,
it's around 11 o'clock,
and you're in the middle of a work meeting, and you're like,
"How long is this fucking day going go for?"
(audience laughing)
Insane.
(audience laughing)
- [Adam] Okay.
(ominous piano)
Just getting ready.
♪ The pilot had a heart attack ♪
♪ The co-pilot can't be found ♪
♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪
♪ They know the plane's going down ♪
♪ We need a hero someone to save us ♪
♪ We need a hero to land a plane ♪
♪ We need a hero who's gonna do it ♪
♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪
♪ So I jumped to my feet and I volunteered ♪
♪ The people on the plane all started to cheer ♪
♪ I need a high five from a baby ♪
♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪
♪ So I go in the cockpit put the headset on ♪
♪ And grab the main control ♪
♪ Then right away I crash that plane ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't know what I'm doing ♪
(audience laughs)
Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you.
(audience clapping)
Yeah.
(audience clapping)
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
(ominous music)
♪ We're on a runaway train ♪
♪ The conductor had a melt down ♪
♪ The people in the dining car ♪
♪ Are screaming really really loud ♪
♪ We need a hero someone to save us ♪
♪ Yeah we need a hero to bring us through the danger ♪
♪ We need a hero somebody competent ♪
♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪
♪ So I put the engineer's hat on the top of my head ♪
♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪
♪ A guy says You're the main man ♪
♪ And a deaf woman signs go get 'em ♪
♪ Then I go to the cab and I toot the whistle ♪
♪ That's something I always wanted to do ♪
♪ And right away we fly off the bridge ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't know what I'm doing ♪
(audience laughing)
Thank you, thank you.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
(audience clapping)
♪ We're in a nice family restaurant ♪
♪ Somebody's grandma's choking on a lamb chop ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ There's panic in the air as Nana's face turns blue ♪
♪ The bus boy screams in Spanish what the fuck do we do ♪
♪ We need a hero who's gonna do it ♪
♪ We need a hero to clean out her windpipe ♪
♪ We need a hero who's down with Heimlich ♪
♪ We need a hero to save the day yeah ♪
♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪
♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪
♪ Another guy gets up and says he's a doctor ♪
♪ I say Sit the fuck down I got this shit ♪
♪ Then I wrap my arms around grandma chest ♪
♪ And I look her grandkids deep in the eye ♪
♪ Then right away ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪
♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪
♪ Grandma! ♪
(audience laughing hysterically)
(man in audience shouting)
My wife's grandmother, uh, she turned 101 years old.
Which is nice, 100 years old.
That's good for the family, you know?
Good to have that in your genes.
My daughter's got that great life.
In my family, we die, I should be dead, is all I'm saying.
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.
But 101 years old, I went to her birthday,
I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder.
(audience laughing)
She kept going, "Oh!"
I was saying, "It's tradition, we can't break tradition."
And she was like, "I want to break tradition."
I was like, "Well you can't.
So just fucking deal with 94 more."
(audience laughing)
My whole life I always wanted to be able to do a flip.
Wouldn't that be great?
I was always growing up going,
"Man, I got to get a flip going, everybody will love me.
If I could just do a flip."
Everybody would be like,
"Whoa, did you see the Sandman?
He popped out a flip."
I would just want it to be at a fucking Marshall's
or something, buying some cheap clothes and going,
"Hey, watch this."
Pop a flip and have the fucking lady
at the cash register go,
"Did you fucking see?
That kid with the flip?
And be like, "Hey, I do it all the time."
(audience laughing)
But, never got that one down, man.
I wish I did.
Always I was like, I didn't know how to fucking practice.
That was the problem.
I didn't, I didn't know how to do my first try.
I was always like,
get to right about here, and then I go,
"Uh, I don't know, I'm going to get hurt."
And when I got older,
I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too.
And I did that.
I mastered that.
So I'm in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself,
And in fluent Italian I say to him,
"Hey, I love what you've done for the church.
I love what you're doing for the world.
America says, hello.
Uh, am I getting into Heaven?"
And in Italian, he says, "Can you do a flip?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Ma donne!"
(audience laughing)
Shit.
(audience laughing)
(soft piano playing)
♪ My hands are shaking ♪
♪ My heart beating fast ♪
♪ I'm sweating through my cheap suit ♪
♪ How much longer can it last ♪
♪ I'm an alcoholic lawyer ♪
♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪
♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪
♪ If I want to make things right ♪
♪ Put the bottle down son ♪
♪ There's an innocent man who needs you ♪
♪ Put the bottle down son ♪
♪ There's nothing left to fear ♪
♪ Wait what day is it ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Shit the trial was last week and he got the chair ♪
♪ Well let's have a few whiskey sours in his memory ♪
(audience cheering)
You ever play miniature golf with your daughter,
and you're tied on the 18th hole.
(audience laughing)
And in the middle of her backswing, you just say,
"Hey, I tea bagged your mother this morning."
(audience laughing)
And the kids sinks the putt, and goes,
"Yeah, I know, I saw."
(audience laughing)
And you're like, "Now this kid, stays concentrated.
She's fucking good, she's got focus.
She could get somewhere.
(audience cheering)
You love your kids more than anything on the planet,
until like, 9:30 at night, and then you're like,
"Okay, that's it."
(audience laughing)
"I loved you all day long, just give me a little break.
I answered all your crazy questions."
I don't even know.
I know nothing, that does not fucking help
when you have to answer your kid.
Yeah, I got to make up every God damn answer.
"Are whales smart, Daddy?"
"Well you know, they're more street smart, than book smart."
(audience laughing)
My daughter plays basketball.
My nine-year-old.
So I go and see her play basketball.
And she's a sweetheart of a kid.
And every time they put the kid in the game,
I get so excited.
I take my video camera out,
and I fucking video everything she does.
So, a couple of Sundays ago,
I'm videoing my daughter,
and another dad goes, "Hey, can you email me that,
when you're done?"
And I go, "Yeah. Absolutely, dude."
And then I'm videoing my kid, then I remembered.
Actually when I video my kid, I say a lot of things,
and it's always not stuff I want other people to hear.
And I'm always like, "Okay, you got it, you little cutie.
You got the ball, you sweet girl.
Look at how good you are.
If they would all pass it to my kid.
Somebody pass it to my kid.
I'll break your fucking neck, I swear to God.
Get the fucking ball to my fucking kid.
You all suck out there.
I thought, I better not email that to that man there.
So I just emailed him the ghost dick pic thing.
The guy was like, "What the fucks with the ruler?"
I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole.
Fuck that guy."
(audience laughing)
My little sweet daughter, the sixth grader,
she comes back from school and she's like,
"All the boys keep saying,
That's what she said.
And then they all laugh.
Why, daddy?"
And I was like, "Oh, boy."
"Yeah, it seems like anything I say,
they say, 'That's what she said.'
They look at each other, and they just laugh and laugh.
And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."
And so, I'm like, "Okay, how do I explain this to her?"
And I'm trying to just figure out, you know,
the right way to do it in a clean way, no cursing.
And I'm just going, "Uh... uh... uh... uh, well, it's a..."
And then my kid goes, "That's okay, Daddy,
you tried your best."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "That's what she said."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
So I'll tell you a little story about Disney World.
You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story?
(audience cheering)
So you guys have been to Disney World, right?
(audience cheering)
The families have been there.
Who doesn't have kids and still goes to Disney World?
(audience cheering)
You fucking stoners.
(audience laughing)
I'm on to you.
(audience laughing)
All right, so I go to Disney World recently
with my wife and the two kids.
My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster.
They were very excited.
So, we wait on the line and we're waiting,
you know, the lines of very long.
So it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.
We get to the front of the line,
And then the rollercoaster, we find out,
only takes three people at a time.
So, there's four of us,
and I see my wife and the two kids,
just immediately start walking to the thing.
And I was like, "We're not even gonna flip a coin?
Not not even a thought, right?"
They're like, "No, no."
I was like, "Yeah, all right."
And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
I'm stewing, like, "I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes
to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
and you fucking bail on me."
Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma.
And he's muttering.
He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
They're mean as shit."
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
And then I say to the other dad,
I go, "You want fucking me and you to go on it together?
And he's like, "What?"
I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.
Let's fucking do this shit.
I'll go with you."
And he's like, "Yeah, whatever the fuck you want, man."
And so
(audience laughing)
So I get on the roller coaster with the guy,
and we're both not talking to each other.
The roller coaster takes off,
and you know how they take off so fucking fast
that both our necks snap back,
and we look at each other.
And he's like "Ooh, that got me."
I was like, "Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man."
We start laughing a little bit.
And we're fucking all of a sudden loosening up.
And we're fucking doing all the jetting,
banging into these fucking crazy turns.
I'm fucking leaning,
100% leaning on the guy.
He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
I was like, "Hey, here we are."
And we're laughing our asses off.
And I'm like, "Holy shit,
I haven't been this happy in at least 11 years.
I know that, but whatever, I'm fucking jetting around,
fucking doing loop-the-loops.
He's fucking bumping my fist.
I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
He's like, "Yeah, baby."
We get to the end.
The fucking, You know how the brake comes out of nowhere.
It fucking screeches on,
both our fucking heads snap again.
He's like, "They got us again."
I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn."
(audience laughing)
So, uh, we're creeping up to,
you know, getting off the ride,
how it's like a little slow at exit?
And we're sitting there,
and I'm fucking I feel this crazy pain in my heart,
and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love
with this guy or some shit?
What happened?
He's not looking at me.
I'm like this guy feels it too,
'cause he's in a fucking daze.
We're both and my kids are like, "Come on, lets go to Peter Pan."
I was like, "All right, in a minute."
I'm yelling at the kids too loud.
"I've got to say goodbye to the man."
And, uh... I get off,
I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."
He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."
He won't look at me,
and we're both all fucked up.
He goes back to his family,
I go back to mine.
I'm walking away.
In my head, I'm like,
"I'm never gonna see that fucking guy again,
and I don't feel good about that.
Um... And then I... And then I go...
"They take your picture though... on those rides.
You know, just for memory's sake.
Just, what the fuck,
I'm gonna go see, maybe they snapped us,
maybe they didn't.
But if they did... why not?
Fuck it, you know, let's just see."
And so, we go to the, uh,
I go to that place where there's the fucking monitor up.
Sure enough, there's a picture of me and the guy,
upside down, in the loop-the-loop
staring so deep into each others eyes.
It was fucking bananas.
I was like, "Okay, he felt it. He definitely felt it too."
So, I say to the lady behind the counter,
"Hey, how much is that?"
And the lady goes, "$65."
I was like, "Oh. Okay."
And then I take my phone out,
and I fucking snap a shot of it.
And then I feel this energy behind me.
I look back, and it's the guy from Oklahoma.
He's holding the picture he just bought.
And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"
(audience laughing)
So, anyways, if that man is watching
my Netflix special right now,
I think of you a lot, sir.
I think of you a lot.
All right, Milwaukee, lets fucking do this shit.
Here we go.