I've been on watering duty for a couple of weeks now,
but during small group gatherings,
I've noticed that some brothers and sisters have been believers longer than me,
and some have even been in leadership positions.
This is all really weighing down on me.
I'm always worried that my fellowship is inadequate,
or that I won't be able to solve others' problems
and that they'll look down on me and say I'm not up to the task.
Constantly living with these thoughts
has left me feeling depressed, inhibited and pretty miserable.
Have any of you been in a state like this before, and what did you do?
I've been in a state like that before.
In 2017, I was elected to a leadership position and put in charge of a few churches.
I noticed that all those churches' leaders had been believers for longer than me.
Sister Gao and Sister Sun had served as leaders for many years
and we'd been in co-worker gatherings together in the past,
so they pretty much knew what to expect of me.
Sister Yuan, a leader from another church,
had watered me right after I accepted the work of God.
I was completely clueless at the time,
but whenever I had issues, she helped me with fellowship on the truth.
So be it work experience or time in the faith,
they had me beat in every aspect.
It seemed if I tried to take charge of their work and help them solve their issues,
I'd just end up embarrassing myself.
Yet, I also knew that this commission was God's exaltation.
I couldn't decline this duty just to save face and preserve my status.
I had to accept and submit.
- That's right. - Yes.
So I wrote to the church leaders for a gathering
to familiarize myself with the churches as soon as possible.
I usually write letters out very quickly,
but not when I wrote to Sister Gao.
I kept writing and rewriting those few lines,
revising them over and over again.
I kept worrying that I'd fail to communicate clearly and she'd look down on me.
When it came time for the gathering, I became even more anxious.
My mind was racing with thoughts:
We used to hold gatherings together as co-workers,
and if I don't fellowship well or if I can't resolve their issues,
what will they think of me?
Will they say,
"Who are you to try to resolve our problems with a stature like yours?"
No way, I have to give quality fellowship
to show them that I'm capable of doing this job.
Trying to appear composed, I started getting caught up on their work.
I made notes of any problems that came up
and looked for God's words to resolve them.
But being so nervous, I ran out of things to say after fellowshiping for a while.
Just then, I noticed Sister Gao had a sort of grave look on her face.
I thought to myself,
"Is it because I didn't resolve their problems with my fellowship?"
Trying to recover some face, I forced myself to continue fellowshiping.
As I talked, I kept monitoring their expressions closely,
to see if they were becoming impatient.
My heart pounded with the slightest change in their demeanor.
True.
Toward the end of the gathering,
everyone basically went quiet and I was the only one talking.
It felt like time was standing still—
the gathering dragged on at a snail's pace.
Finally, the gathering came to a close
and I headed home, feeling utterly depleted.
It felt like I'd just done a day of backbreaking labor,
and all I wanted to do was rest,
then I remembered I scheduled a gathering the following day
with Sister Yuan and other sisters.
If they ended up having some problem that I couldn't resolve,
what would they think of me?
No, I had to prepare in advance.
I picked up their church's work report and began reading,
but before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.
It wasn't until 9 p.m. that I woke with a start.
I thought to myself: "That's odd. I usually never get sleepy this early."
So I came before God and prayed to Him, saying:
"Oh God, fulfilling this duty is putting me under a lot of pressure.
I'm worried the church leaders will look down on me if I don't provide good fellowship.
I'm feeling constrained and
I don't know how I should get myself through this situation.
I pray that You enlighten and guide me to know myself."
Then I read this passage of God's words:
God's words incisively revealed my state at the time.
I was finding it so tiring and agonizing to hold these gatherings
because I was too concerned with dignity and status.
True.
Thinking back to before I had been elected as a leader,
I was uninhibited in my gatherings with Sister Gao and the other sisters.
I fellowshiped exactly as much as I understood,
and trusted that no one would look down on me for superficial fellowship
since I hadn't been a believer for very long.
Yet, after fulfilling duties as a leader,
I felt that since I had a higher position than them,
they would think less of me
if I didn't fellowship well and couldn't resolve their problems.
I strove to show off in all the gatherings so that the others would think highly of me
and say I was worthy of the post.
I didn't have much experience, but didn't want to lay bare my flaws.
I just kept plowing forward.
I positioned myself on a pedestal,
thinking that leaders should have a certain stature
and be better than everyone else in every way.
I hid all of my flaws and my inadequacies as well,
I didn't openly seek what I didn't understand and pretended that I did,
all out of fear of being looked down upon.
I brought all this suffering upon myself because I was too enamored of status.
- That's true. - Sure.
God gave me a chance to train myself by exalting me with this leadership position,
allowing me to learn how to fellowship and resolve problems.
Yet, I didn't give the slightest thought to fulfilling my duties well
and helping others resolve their problems and issues.
Instead, I took it as an opportunity for self-promotion,
to make others think highly of me.
I even put up a false front and deceived my brothers and sisters.
I didn't have the slightest bit of reason— I was completely shameless.
I immediately came before God and made a prayer to Him in repentance,
asking that He guides me to cast off the tethers of reputation and status.
Amen!
After praying, I read this passage of God's words.
I'll read it for you:
God's words provide a clear path for practice.
To cast off the tethers of reputation and status,
we must let go of status within our hearts,
learn to open up, stop keeping things inside and disguising ourselves,
and show others the truest version of ourselves.
Only by consciously practicing in this way can our spirits be truly free.
- Yes. - Right!
Reading these words from God also gave me a path of practice.
I may have been elected to be a leader,
but my stature hadn't changed at that point.
It wasn't like fulfilling this duty meant I suddenly understood all truths,
and could fathom everything and resolve all issues.
I had to face up to my inadequacies—
if I couldn't resolve a problem,
I should just honestly admit that I didn't understand.
Then I could seek the truth together with the others to resolve the problem.
Yes.
In a later gathering,
the church leaders brought up some problems that they were stuck on for fellowship.
I was a bit worried at the time.
If I wasn't able to resolve their problems,
would they start to think less of me?
So I silently prayed to God,
asking Him to correct my attitude and allow me to calmly face my own inadequacies.
Sure.
Even if they saw my true ability and really did think less of me,
I still had to practice the truth.
That was fine as long as we resolved issues and our work went along smoothly.
Yes.
After that, I only fellowshiped as much as I understood,
and if I was having trouble resolving them,
I'd open up about it to my brothers and sisters,
and we'd seek a resolution together.
I felt a big release from practicing like this.
Gradually, I stopped being so hung up on face and status,
and I felt a lot more relaxed in gatherings.
Thank God!
I could often feel God enlightening and guiding me,
and I was able to identify some problems in the work
and find ways to resolve them through God's words.
I felt grounded and at peace by doing my duty this way.
- Great. - Indeed!
- So nice. - Thanks be to God!
Your story has given me some insights.
If we want to stop being hung up on status and face,
we have to face our own inadequacies, and not hide them away.
The more we want to preserve our face and status,
the more we should do the opposite,
and open up about our inadequacies, unresolved issues,
and also about our improper motives to our brothers and sisters,
so that we can seek the truth and resolve them.
That's right.
By practicing like this,
we can rid ourselves of the fetters of reputation and status.
Indeed.
Later on, a few other things happened,
which made me reflect on myself in an even deeper way.
In 2019, I took on editing duty in the church.
We needed to organize a study group on the relevant principles
made up of brothers and sisters from a few churches.
I had never organized such a big study group before,
and I felt very pressured—like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.
I worried I'd lose face if I couldn't provide clear fellowship.
The group leader asked me to actively participate in fellowship
for an upcoming study group.
My heart got caught inside my throat—
this wasn't some small gathering of a few people.
What if I couldn't provide clear fellowship
in front of so many of my brothers and sisters?
What would they all think of me?
Would they wonder how someone of my caliber was allowed to fulfill editing duties?
The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.
Before the gathering, I read the principles again and again.
You see, I racked my brains,
trying to think up the clearest and most organized way to fellowship on them.
I prayed to God nonstop in my heart,
asking Him to bring peace and serenity to my heart.
But when it came time for the gathering, I was still a nervous wreck.
I just kept counting down the minutes until it was my turn to fellowship.
I was not in any place to be pondering the principles.
I really don't have any idea how I got through that gathering.
I felt an immense amount of pressure—
I didn't want to organize that kind of group.
I thought to myself: "Maybe I should just cancel the study group altogether
and have everybody study amongst themselves.
That way I won't worry about providing bad fellowship
and embarrassing myself in front of everyone."
I went to the leader and told him that
the study group in its current form was ineffective.
It ended up being canceled.
No one else was aware of my despicable intentions, but God was watching.
God later devised a scenario for me.
A sister asked me several times:
"Why don't you organize a study group
for the brothers and sisters to go over principles?"
She also said she'd really like to attend that kind of study group.
Hearing her say this made me feel a bit guilty.
I was in charge of the church's editing work.
It was my duty to lead my brothers and sisters in studying principles.
But I canceled the study group in order to save face and preserve my status,
without the slightest consideration or thought to others' needs,
or what would be best for the work of the church.
Wasn't I harming my brothers and sisters?
I was so selfish and lowly!
I later saw a very moving passage of God's words in which He exposes antichrists.
By placing so much importance on status and reputation,
I was actually revealing my own antichrist disposition.
God's words say:
Amen!
Holding myself up against God's words,
I saw that my recent obsession with reputation and status
was a manifestation of my antichrist disposition.
While organizing the study group,
I worried that I didn't have a good grasp of the principles
and that others would look down on me if I didn't fellowship well.
Before the meeting, I read over the principles again and again,
agonizing over the best possible way to express myself.
Yet all of that hard work
wasn't to understand the truth and principles,
or to help others learn something practical and useful,
but rather to craft an image of myself as an "able professional,"
and to win the admiration of others.
Yes.
I placed far too much importance on reputation and status,
and only thought of the gatherings as an opportunity to build my own reputation.
I was fully aware that that was an effective way to study,
but I was scared of losing face by not fellowshiping well,
so I skirted my duties,
and even made excuses for canceling the study group.
I spent all day and every day thinking about how not to lose face
and what I could do to gain others' admiration.
I prioritized my own personal benefit over everything else.
God's commission didn't have any place in my heart,
and I didn't consider what would be best for my brothers and sisters,
which would be best for the work of God's house.
How selfish and lowly of me!
- Of course. - Yes.
I might not do any obvious evil as an antichrist from the outside,
but in essence my disposition was no different than theirs.
I was walking the path of an antichrist.
If I had real status, I'd certainly act just like an antichrist,
hindering and interrupting the work of God's house to satisfy my own interests.
I would end up doing evil and being eliminated by God.
Before, I never realized that pursuing status and reputation
would interrupt the work of God's house and place one on an antichrist's path.
Striving for status and reputation can really do someone in.
- Sure can. - Yes.
I get hung up on status too.
I need to start seeking the truth and resolve this issue myself.
So later on, how did you enter in? I'd love to hear that.
Once I had realized all this, I felt really scared and regretful.
So I prayed to God:
"Dear God, Satan has deeply corrupted me.
I'm always trying to preserve reputation and status,
and I haven't been devoted or responsible in my duty.
O God, I don't want to rebel against You any longer—I wish to repent.
Please enlighten and guide me!"
Amen!
In my seeking, I came upon a video reading of God's words.
Let's watch it together.
- That's great! - Okay.
Amen!
God hopes we can all practice the truth and be honest people.
Whether it's our shortcomings, inadequacies or expressions of corruption,
we should be open about all of them.
We shouldn't keep things inside for others or for God.
We must be willing to submit our words and actions to God's scrutiny.
Only then can we earn God's praise.
- Sure! - Yes!
In truth, no matter how I disguise myself, I can't change my stature.
Even if I can fool my brothers and sisters into thinking highly of me,
I can't fool God.
I should openly and purely submit myself to God's scrutiny,
and be an honest person.
Yes.
Later on, we organized more gatherings
to study with brothers and sisters from a few churches.
I wanted these gatherings to be effective
and be of real, practical help to my brothers and sisters,
so every time I set out to prepare the study materials,
I would earnestly pray to God and ask for His guidance.
I would bring up any questions I wasn't completely sure of
for the entire group to discuss together.
You know, in previous gatherings we had,
I'd racked my brains thinking up ways to ensure the others would think highly of me,
only to end up feeling nervous and exhausted.
Now, I no longer seek status or try to save my own face,
and I feel much more relaxed and free.
- Thanks be to God! - Nice.
I've also realized
that in order for a gathering to be effective, we need everyone's cooperation,
and what's really key is the Holy Spirit's enlightenment and illumination.
Sure.
When I approached each gathering with the right attitude,
I felt God's enlightenment and guidance.
Sometimes when everyone was adding to each other's ideas during fellowship,
I felt like I got so much out of the gathering.
Thank God!
- This is a great way to practice. - Yes, it is.
Through this experience,
I truly acknowledged how foolish and absurd the pursuit of status and dignity is.
I was just torturing myself and,
God was disgusted by me not fulfilling my duties.
Only by practicing according to God's word,
seeking to be a creature of God, and honestly and earnestly fulfilling my duty,
can I live joyfully and worry-free.
- Right. - Thanks be to God!
I really gained a lot from hearing about your experience,
and I have gained some paths of practice.
A hymn just came to mind. Let's sing it together!
- Great. - All right.
Amen, thanks be to God!
Only by practicing the truth to be an honest person,
can we gain release in our spirits.