Hey everyone!
I’m Sarah, and welcome back to Everyday Consent.
Here’s a downer of a topic for you: rejection.
I think we are all pretty familiar with the concept.
You finally work up the nerve to approach that cutie you’ve had your eye on for some
time, you put yourself out there, all hopeful and vulnerable, and bam!
the answer’s no.
You may or may not handle it with grace, but in general it’s pretty unpleasant.
You may be feeling a whole host of different emotions--hurt, embarrassed, frustrated, sad,
resentful, even angry.
You may feel like the other person is preventing you from exploring your sexuality and fall
victim to the Gatekeeper Myth.
You may be feeling things that you’re having trouble even putting into words.
That is, before trying out our handy dandy emotion chart that we learned about in this
other video.
But in all seriousness, there’s likely to be a lot going on, emotion-wise.
Thankfully, you’re also likely to find support and understanding from those close to you.
Or if not from them, maybe from communities you’re a part of online.
Barring that, at the very least, you can hear your sentiments echoed through a vast array
of media.
Be it songs, movies, books, tv shows, it is easy to find something out there to make you
feel less alone in all the crappy feelings that come along with being rejected.
It’s something that our society finds pretty easy to understand and empathize with.
You can walk up to almost anybody that you know and be like, “hey, I just got rejected,”
and pretty much anyone will be like, “aww dude, that sucks, I’m sorry”.
This semi-universal understanding is, I think, a pretty good thing.
It breeds empathy and compassion, which, in general are great, but especially are good
to be shown when you’re feeling down.
But here’s something I find interesting.
We’ll easily dole out support and understanding for those being rejected, but what about those
doing the rejecting?
Think about it.
Here’s a scenario.
We’ll call the two people involved Cameron and Jamie.
Cameron has the hots for Jamie, and has just bravely decided to ask Jamie out on a date.
By doing this, Cameron is is presenting Jamie with a choice.
And because Jamie is not being forced, coerced, or manipulated in any way, Jaime’s answer
might very well be no.
Jamie may not feel the same way about Cameron, or may have some other reason for turning
down the offer.
And while that might suck for Cameron, it is totally fair.
But it doesn’t just suck for Cameron.
Jamie was asked a fair question, and is now presented with the responsibility of crushing
Cameron’s hopes and dreams.
That’s not… fun.
Now, there are a whole host of different circumstances under which all this could be happening.
I don’t claim to know what every “Jamie” has ever felt or not felt.
But I do think it’s fair to assume that of all the people that ever have or will be
in Jamie’s position, that there are at least some that do care about the feelings of “Cameron”,
and aren’t super psyched to cause them pain.
And, keep in mind that, as we mentioned before, the pain of being rejected is pretty universally
understood, so Jaime probably empathizes with some of the hurt they’ll be causing Cameron.
Also, Jamie might be having plenty of their own reactions to this, like maybe fear that
their friendship with Cameron will suddenly change or dissolve, or even wasn’t what
they thought it was in the first place.
This might make Jamie feel hurt, betrayed, even angry.
Jamie could be feeling plenty of other things too, like frustrated, sad, or embarrassed.
In fact, Jamie could be feeling a lot of similar things to what we said earlier that someone
in Cameron’s position might be feeling, though possibly for different reasons.
Basically, my point is, I think it’s worth keeping in mind that all the Jamies out there,
are also people, with feelings, just like the Camerons of the world.
And that they deserve empathy and support as well.
Now, to be clear, I’m not claiming that Cameron should be responsible for showing
all that empathy to Jamie.
Cameron has enough feelings to deal with.
Cameron just needs to respect Jamie’s opinions enough to accept the refusal and move on.
Though if they’re able to show their understanding of how hard it is, then that’s great.
But if somebody comes up to me and says, “hey dude, I just got rejected,” I’m not going
to respond by telling them to focus on the feelings of the person who just rejected them.
No!
But as of the making of this video, there are more than two people in the world.
Surely, out of all the others, someone is capable of saying “Hey Jamie, you just had
to reject somebody?
That sucks, I’m sorry.”
The job of rejector that was placed into Jamie’s lap, is actually a lot of responsibility,
at least if they’re trying to do it kindly.
Cameron has just placed a whole lot of their hope and dignity into Jamie’s hands, to
do with as they see fit.
And to figure out how to refuse the offer as kindly as possible, knowing it will somewhat
crush them, is not easy, and is kinda stressful.
Also keep in mind that it’s possible that Jamie has not had time to prepare for this,
if Cameron happened to spring this on them unexpectedly.
Hoo!
That’s a tall order.
Not insurmountable, of course, but not insignificant.
Now I don’t know about you, but I never got any training as to how to do that.
But in the times in my life when I’ve found myself in a position like Jamie’s, I really
wished that I had had some.
And I doubt I’m the only one who could use some practice.
This made me curious as to whether there are instructions out there as to how to reject
someone kindly.
And there sort of is.
After browsing around on the internet I found some consensus on a few points, such as, making
your “no” clear and firm, and saying it as soon as possible.
But I also found a lot of disagreement on other points, such as how much detail to give
as to your reasons why, whether to include a lot of compliments and reassurances with
the rejection or not, and so on.
So I have yet to find a clear answer as to the perfect way to reject someone, but what
does seem to be common is apprehension and fear of doing the rejecting in the first place.
And I think the best way to combat that is to normalize the experience, 1.
by recognizing that it is a common and often difficult experience, worth discussing and
empathizing with, and 2.
to practice.
In my last video I mentioned an exercise for practicing some small forms of rejection,
so that’s a good place to start, but I think we could use even more practice than that.
I’d love for there to be a, National Rejection Day, or something where everybody practices,
but barring that, we can still try it out a bit less officially.
So, your assignment this week is as follows: come up with a scenario where someone has
just made you a proposition.
Maybe asked you out on a date, or asked you if you want to make out or have sex, whatever,
you choose then come up with 1-3 different things that
you might say to this person to turn them down
if you have a friend who’d like to practice with you, practice saying these speeches aloud
to each other, a la the last video, or at least say it aloud to yourself
You can let me know how that goes in the comments or in an email, or any thoughts you may have.
What do you think?
What are some important parts of rejecting someone kindly?
I’d love to hear what y’all have to say.
Thanks everyone, and happy consenting.
See
you next week!