WE'RE BACK WITH SAM BEE, ED HELMS, ROB CORDDRY,
JOHN OLIVER, AND JON STEWART.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER THE GUY WHO LIVED IN FLORIDA AND HE-- HE WAS
LIKE, "I DON'TICATE GAY PEOPLE.
THEY JUST MAKE ME NAUSEOUS.
>> YES.
>> BECAUSE ALL OF THE LESBIANS ARE COMING TO FLORIDA, AND
CONVERTING THE STRAIGHT WHITE WOMEN TO LESBIANISM, AND IT'S
MAKING ME PHYSICALLY NAUSEOUS.
>> YES.
WASN'T HE RUNNING FOR SOMETHING?
>> HE WAS ALSO RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
>> THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
>> AND I THINK HE-- >> THAT WAS HIS PLATFORM.
>> HE'S PROBABLY DOING GREAT NOW.
BUT I CAUGHT HIM PLANNING A THREE SELLWITH ME AND THE
PRODUCER I WENT DOWN WITH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PLANNING IT?"
>> HE WAS PLANNING WITH HIS FRIEND-- SORRY, NOT A THREE
SELL, A FOUR SELL.
THEY WERE GOING TO SEPARATE US-- >> WHOA!
>> CONSENSUALLY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOVELY STORY NOW.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> NO, NO, THEY ASSUMED WE WERE--
>> I FEEL TERRIBLY-- LIKE, THIS IS JUST-- LIKE, THIS IS ACTUALLY
NOT YOUR SHOW.
IT'S DR. PHIL'S SHOW, AND HE'S GOING TO BE OVER THERE, AND AND
HE'S JUST GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW I ALLOWED ALL OF YOU TO BE
PUT IN THESE SITUATIONS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER THINK YOU COULD MAKE YOURSELF TALK TO
PEOPLE-- YOU WOULD BE IN THEREUE HAD A POINT OF VIEW, ALWAYS.
THE FIELD PIECES, YOU HAD A POINT OF VIEW, LIKE A REAL
REPORTER.
>> SUPPOSE-- >> THE BEAUTY IS DEAD INSIDE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO HELPFUL.
NOT HAVING A SOUL.
>> WE SPOTTED THAT DURING THE AUDITION.
>> I'M BRITISH AND SO FAR REMOVED FROM ANYTHING YOU WOULD
RECOGNIZE AS HUMAN EMOTION.
I WAS REALLY PERFECTLY CUT FOR THIS JOB BECAUSE YOU WOULD SEE
PEOPLE DISTRESSED AND THINK-- >> SO LUCKY.
>> IT MAKES LIFE SO MUCH EASIER.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
>> Stephen: LET'S REMIND PEOPLE WHAT JOH JON WAS LIKE WHE
MET HIM.
THIS IS JON STEWART AND HIS ENORMOUS SUITS BACK IN THE DAY.
THEY MADE YOU WEAR CRAIG KILLBORN SUITS.
>> THAT GUY IS SO IMMENSELY (BLEEP).
I DO THINK THERE IS SOMETHING IN THIS, THOUGH, THAT I WOULD LIKE
TO DISCUSS VERY BRIEFLY, AND THAT IS WHY HAS AGE RAVAGED ME.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WERE THE ONES OUT IN THE
FIELD.
I'M IN A STUDIO SURROUNDED BY KRAFT SERVICES, AND YET IN A
BENJAMIN BUTTON SCENARIO, I AM AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE,
AND YOU ALL SEEM FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS-- I FIND THIS VERY
PARTICULAR.
AND IS IT BECAUSE ARE YOU STILL IN SHOW BUSINESS THAT YOU ARE
BEING PRESERVE DISPD WHEN YOU LEAVE SHOW BUSINESS, LIKE A
DESICCANT JUST GOES UP AND DRIES YOU OUT FROM THE INSIDE --
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU LEAVE THE AMNIOTIC SACK THAT'S WHAT
HAPPENS.
>> YOU LOOK LIKE A GARDEN OF EARTHLY PLEASURES, AND I AM A
SMALL HAND FULL OF POE PORY, THAT HAS DRIED.
AND I'M NOT SUGGESTING I'M NOT STILL AROMATIC TO SOME EXTENT.
>> RIGHT.
>> BUT, CLEARLY, THIS IS-- I MEAN, THIS REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE
A GROUP OF STUDENTS COMING BACK TO SEE MR. HOLLAND AT THE END--
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> IT'S THE END, AND I'VE DONE IT ALL.
I'VE GONE FOR SIX YEARS, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE, "DO YOU
REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU PLAYED THE THEME FROM 'ROCKI' FOR US?"
AND I'M JUST GOING TO BE LIKE, "I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING."
IT'S REALLY SHOCKING AND QUITE UPSETTING.
YOU LOOK YOUNGER.
>> YOU'RE STILL BEAUTIFUL.
>> SO BEAUTIFUL!
>> SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> THANK YOU?
>> YOU GLOW.
>> I SLEEP IN FORMALDEHYDE, WHICH IS--
>> WE LIVE IN L.A., SO THERE'S A WHOLE THING THAT GOES ON THERE,
RIGHT?
>> ARE WE TALKING...
( SNIFFING ) IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: NOTHING KEEPS YOU YOUNGER.
I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU, I JUST WANT TO INDULGE MYSELF BEFORE WE
GO, I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU GUYS FOR BEING HERE.
THIS WAS WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HANG OUT BACKSTAGE.
THIS IS IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HANG OUT BACKSTAGE FOR YEARS AT
"THE DAILY SHOW"-- >> THE COUCHES WERE DIFFERENT.
>> Stephen: NOT THIS NICE.
IT WAS THE GREATEST EXPERIENCE, GREATEST EXPERIENCE.
>> AND SWROONT THIS GIG OR ANY GIG IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THIS
MAN AND THE SHOW THAT SHE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND ALL OF YOU.
AND I WANT TO GO OUT ON JON INTERVIEWING ME AS AL SHARPTON
IN THE FAVORITE THING I EVER DID WITH THIS MAN ON THAT SHOW.
THANK YOU, ALL!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( APPLAUSE ) >> I KNOW THAT YOU LOST-- NOW
YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
SEEMS BACKWARDS, BUT WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> UM, I'M GOING TO WIN.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M RESTED.
I'M READY.
I'M THIN.
( LAUGHTER ) I-- I'VE GOT STREET CRED NOW,
SINCE I'VE BEEN IN THE OLD GRAY BAR HOTEL.
WHICH IS WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )