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[vhs ejection]
♪ [menacing strings swell] [footsteps through grass]
♪ [strings resonate in a prolonged bassy hum]
♪ [subtle mysterious string melody]
[laughter]
>> Okay. Okay.
♪ [strings reprise the melody]
[insects chirping]
♪ [melody raises in pitch] [evocative of The Twilight Zone theme]
[under his breath] Back there?
He's back there.
♪ [strings plucked at a higher octave]
There?
[sigh of relief] Peace and quiet, finally.
>> Desperate defense! [screaming in horror]
[deep synthetic rumble]
[electrical pop] [gentle vinyl static]
[rising chime]
>> So when was the last time you saw one of these?
>> Oh man, 1978.
>> I know, yeah.
>> I was there on the Merv Griffin Show.
>> This is actually one of the recommended
methods of defending yourself from the Guide to Improvised Weaponry
[light keyboard clacking] by U.S. Master Sergeant Terry Schappert and Adam Slutsky.
>> This feels like it's somewhere between
what we liked about the wallet and the eight ball.
It feels like you're going to get more leverage
because you could swing, whereas the eight ball
there's not much mass. Although it was very hard
and it was able to dent this.
This thing feels like you're going to, what,
come from the side and smash him in the head?
>> Well actually, they were saying
you should come down like a hammer, like that.
>> Okay.
>> You know, you could get him in the shoulder,
get him in the head. >> Okay.
>> Bridge of the nose.
>> The other thing I like is that it protects your fingers.
The thing about the eight ball--
>> Oh yeah. >> Is if you come at--
you're going to break all your fingers smashing him.
>> Yeah. >> Whereas this, you have a good, solid grip
and you're protected, and in fact,
if you had that knife, now all of a sudden I feel like
I have an effective way
>> Oh yeah. >> -to get that, like, if I--
>> Oh [pained vocalizations] >> Oh [bleep bleep bleep]! Sorry!
I actually-- [Jason laughs in pain]
I had a--
I thought you were attacking me for reals, I'm so sorry.
>> That's okay.
>> Effective?
>> Yeah, that hurt! [bursts out laughing]
Very effective.
Had you really been swinging that,
I would have dropped that knife.
>> And I would have been protected the entire time, too.
So this has kind of our favorite thing about the wallet one.
This might be the best of all worlds.
I do worry about it being glass and breaking.
>> That's the thing, it might very well break.
I mean, you get somebody in the skull
>> Yeah. >> -with this pretty good,
you brain them. They're going down.
But it might very well break it,
but then you've got...
sharp weapon.
But, you know you could also cut your hands. >> Yeah, but you can't even hold it.
Yeah, you're slicing everything up.
>> Again, go for behind the ear,
the temple, or the back of the skull,
you'll take them down.
>> All of those knock-out places.
>> Yeah, exactly. You could also go for their
fingers and hands, like you just did.
This thing is heavy.
>> Yeah, it's easily a pound and a half, two pounds.
Picture a two pound dumbbell,
like that's going to break some stuff.
Let's see what kind of
crushing power we get out of this.
Now, I'm getting a little bit of extra weight
from the gauntlet in the hand. >> Sure.
>> But...
[thud with a subtle wood vibration]
Whoa!
[laughter] >> That thing is a beast!
>> I think that might be the most powerful
of the entire week.
That weight, it just
punishes.
[hefty thud with light foam clattering]
>> Right‽ >> [laughter] It just pulverized it.
>> Do you want to try it on this? >> Yeah.
>> Or are you worried about it shattering?
>> I don't know, let's give it a shot. >> All right.
[thwack]
>> Okay, better or worse than the eight ball?
>> Much better than the eight ball.
>> Really‽ >> Much better, yeah.
The thing is though...
[piano music lightly escalating] >>> BOTH: That thing shatters
>> BRIAN: that's bad news.
>> You could seriously hurt yourself.
>> So for this one we recommend, find a full set of plate armor.
>> Yeah. >> Grab a gauntlet.
>> I mean--
>> Put on safety goggles and then,
[bang]
>> Yeah, look at that. You could see that
sharp edge right there. [vocal affirmation from Jason]
>> BRIAN: And that precise point of impact
is going to make a big difference.
>> Now, one of the other methods
that they recommend is a little bit ludicrous,
but, let's say you're coming at me, and you're,
[shrill] "Ah!"
>> Yeah. [sustained] Ah!
[in disbelief] No, no they don't. >> In the mouth.
>> No, they don't.
>> That's what they said!
>> And then play the Benny Hill music and-
>> Put it in the mouth.
♪ [Brian scatting the Benny Hill music] So, yeah...
[screams] You put it in the mouth.
>> This is like a Monty Python sketch!
>> And then you upper cut him.
>> No. No, no.
In fact, I think-- >> I mean, that would suck, right?
>> You were doing really well on this one.
>> [laughter] That's what it says. >> No!
That's worse than the two by four tripping them.
This was light years ahead of the eight ball?
Now it's only barely ahead of the eight ball,
[laughter] just because of that terrible, terrible idea.
>> In the scale of how this ranks with all of them,
what do you think? >> Yeah, oh so it's got to be,
wallet, surprisingly effective but the least deadly,
but most protective, I think,
in that you'd be able to grab a knife.
Then the eight ball, surprisingly powerful
on the blunt impact.
This one, eh, count it as two to three eight balls,
and, just for the reach, man,
you're not going to beat a two by four.
Right? >> You can't. You really can't.
Like I'm out here, and your knife is not
going to bap, bap, bap, bap.
>> And another big drawback with this one.
How often do you see these anymore?
>> What would the modern day--
I guess you would grab somebody's vape pens.
[through laughter] >> Somebody's vape pen.
>> And smash them over the head with it.
>> If you see one of these, you should probably
get back into your time machine.
[laughter] >> Yes, exactly.
So, as always, if anybody has comments
if they think that we got it wrong in our rankings,
then hit us up in the comments.
We read all that stuff.
So, be nice. How about that?
>> Yeah.
-- CC BY BIZARRE MAGIC --
[quietly] >> He's going to [bleep] right over us.
>> Oh god, don't [bleep] on me please.
>> How amazing would that be?
[laughs nervously] >> That would be awesome and terrible at the same time
and then there's another one like way up there.
>> Thank you, patrons. >> Thanks.
Are you guys rolling?
You were rolling weren't you?
[laughter]