Welcome to the first
of what I assume will be many Doncathlons.
The first event tonight, the Hillary deflection,
where participants do all they can
to divert attention from Don, Jr.
back to last year's Democratic nominee.
And nobody performed this feat of distraction
better than The Five's Jesse Watters.
Do you know what else is a little more sketchy
-than I think than this? -TV REPORTER: What?
Hillary accepting and soliciting million dollar checks
from Saudi tycoons.
And Bill Clinton being paid a half a million dollars
by the Kremlin bank at the same time
Hillary's State Department is allowing uranium deposits
to be pushed over to the Russians.
Or how about John Podesta?
There's a lot of risky things.
What-what about the DNC server?
You're right.
Why are we worried about the president of the United States
when we could be talking about
an unemployed grandma of the forest?
Yeah.
So many questions. Yeah.
And who was the lady she was meeting in that forest? Yeah.
And who's that little man on her back? Yeah.
Are those the Russian babies?
Are they? Are they?
I mean, Jesse Watters-- he crushed that event.
But many people-- many people-- prefer the next one.
The giant leap.
And the winner was someone who could come up with
the most unlikely conspiracy theory.
And, so, obviously, the gold medal
went to none other than Sean Hannity.
The meeting between Donald Trump Jr.
and a Russian lawyer that's sending the media
into a feeding frenzy yet again--
could it have been set up by Democratic operatives?
You won't catch this on the other news channels.
Yeah, yeah, you...
you're right. You won't.
Because it's dumb as (bleep).
(cheering, applause)
Really? Really?
The Democrats set up this meeting?
Tricked Don Jr. into colluding with the Russians
and then never used it? That was the plan?
It worked!
We got Don Jr. with the Russians.
Should we leak it now?
No, no, hold, hold.
Hillary's lead is down two points.
Should we leak it now?
Hold, hold.
We just lost the election.
Hold, hold.
The time will come.
Let's move on to the next event
in the Doncathlon-- semantic judo.
Now, this is one of the newest disciplines.
And you use the weight of the truth against itself.
The champion here is Mr. Gregg Jarrett.
Others have said, "Well, this is evidence of collusion."
Point to me a statute... (chuckles)
that makes it a crime
to collude with a foreign government
in American political campaigns.
Doesn't exist. You won't find it there.
Now, maybe there should be a crime
and maybe Congress, someday, will pass a law
and the president will sign it.
But, so far, it's not a crime.
(cheering, applause)
Brilliant.
Possibly incorrect but brilliant.
Don Jr. might or might not have committed a crime,
but we can all admit
he definitely did something wrong.
There are lots of things that you can do that are not illegal
but are still completely wrong and immoral.
Like taking an elevator to the second floor.
Or pretending you need a wheelchair
so you don't have to wait in line at Disneyland.
Or pretending to be a South African comedian
when you're just a tan guy from Kentucky.
(Kentucky accent): Now, don't look into that last one.
So...
all of these were worthy participants.
But last night there was one competitor--
one competitor people tuned into Fox News to see,
and it was the slick-haired man sperm of Donald J. Trump.
TRUMP JR.: Honestly, my takeaway, when all of this
was going on, is that someone has information on our opponent.
You know, things are going a million miles an hour.
I wanted to hear him out and play it out
and see what happens, but, you know, people are trying
to reach out to you all the time with this.
Someone sent me an e-mail.
I can't help what someone sends me. You know?
I read it, I responded accordingly.
I wouldn't have even remembered it
until you start scouring through the stuff.
It wa-- it was literally just a wasted 20 minutes,
which was a shame.
(laughs)
I love that he's totally confessing,
but with the tone of someone who thinks he's giving an alibi.
You know?
"Look, I went into the bank, all right?
"I shot everyone, and I took the money. Okay?
"Yeah. So, unless you have something on me,
"I guess I'm free to go. Right?
"Yeah. I did it.
Okay? I did it. Yeah."
Yet... you know, as impressive as those moves were,
they were only leading up to the most important part
of any routine: the dismount.
What about the timeline of this?
This is pre, for example, WikiLeaks
-and the DNC e-mails. -Well, honestly...
This is pre, like, Russia fever.
This is pre Russia mania, you know?
This is 13 months ago. Before, I think, the rest of the world
was, uh, talking about that,
trying to build up this narrative about Russia.
Yeah. No one was talking about collusion
before we did it. Yeah.
That's kind of how that works.
You see, first you do the thing,
and then the people start to talk about it.
It's like someone saying, "Why are you blaming me?
"When I (bleep)ed that monkey, no one was even talking
"about AIDS! Come on!
"Come on, that wasn't even a thing.
"Why are you blaming me, huh?
"The monkey made a move, and I replied in the normal manner.
"Yeah. The monkey made a move- it had the red butt, yeah--
"and the monkey was like, 'What do you think?'
And I was like, 'I love it.'"
(cheering and applause)
"I didn't do anything wrong.
What do you want?"
Now, now, you know what, all of these people,
all of these people may be champions in their own right,
but the truth is the Doncathlon is a team sport.
And while these outstanding athletes may have stolen
the spotlight, you realize that everyone
at this news-adjacent smoke machine belongs on that podium.
I said yesterday, it's an insult to nothingburgers.
Now I'll double down on that.
If your charge is collusion, you've come to the wrong spot.
-There's nothing's there. -It didn't happen.
-Nothing took place. -This is the kind of thing
that-that, uh, happens all the time in politics.
I blame Paul Manafort for all of this.
My question back to the Obama team is, if she's a spy,
what the heck is she doing in the country?
Goldstone-- whatever his name... He looks like some sort
of sketchy, like, '90s boy band manager with that outfit.
He's very suspicious.
You know, during the campaign season,
you get a lot of phone calls.
"Hey, I got some dirt on your opponent."
It happens every day.
There's no evidence of collusion here.
There's lots of evidence of delusion.
You know what, I think there's evidence of both.