-Hey ladies, welcome back.
Mat Shaffer here, your empowerment connection
and relationship coach.
So excited to have you back on my YouTube channel,
because today we're going to be talking about online dating,
and two common mistakes that I've seen women make
over and over and over again
throughout my own singlehood as an online dater.
Also that I see my clients make, right
because part of what I do for the women that I work with
is I help them understand the male perspective
and what we think of, and what we perceive when we read your profile.
There's two common things I see
with women's profiles and with my clients
that I want to warn you about,
so that you can shift them into a way
that's going to help you foster this connection,
and create this impression on men in the online dating space.
All right, so that's what we're going to dig into today.
I'm excited to do it but before I go there, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button, hit the little bell
so that you can get notified when I'm posting new content.
I'm doing new stuff all the time.
I'm posting videos every two, three days,
it seems like so I'd love for you to know
when I'm posting stuff so that you can check-in.
Because I love your comments, I love your feedback,
and I'd love to know what you want to hear more about.
Let me know, let me know what you love
and what I can give you more of right on the mind of a man
and all that good stuff.
All right, but for today, we're talking about online dating.
In your profile, your profile has a couple of purposes.
That main body in your profile, no matter what dating site, it is.
It's to help communicate to a man and to a potential partner who you are.
What's unique about you?
What's your magic.
What do you bring to the table?
What value do you,
are you bringing to the table for a potential partnership,
or for potential mate?
That's one way.
It's also to communicate to potential partners,
what you want,
what you're expecting, what kind of relationship that you want.
That's another powerful tool.
That is another powerful purpose for your online dating profile,
those two things.
What I find a lot of women doing is, when they're doing their profile,
they're making a couple mistakes.
Ask yourself, if you're making either of these mistakes.
The first off is women that try to play it too casual
and too loose with the way that they show up in their profile.
All right, this goes to the expectations and the expectations
you want to create with men.
I had one client who had in her online dating profile,
you know what, let's just to have fun and see where it goes.
I'm not attached to going any certain way and dadada.
I know what she was trying to do.
She was trying to say that she was laid back,
and that she's relaxed, and that she's fun.
It's one thing to say I'm a fun person.
I enjoy having fun.
I enjoy being playful.
It's one thing to say that.
It's another thing to say, "Let's just have fun,"
because she was looking for a relationship.
When a man reads that profile, and he sees a woman writing her profile,
"Oh, I just want to have fun."
He's reading that as like,
"Oh, she just wants to fool around."
That's going to be setting his expectations to that space.
That she just wants something physical.
She just wants something casual,
so she was getting a lot of interest for men,
which, I know there's an overabundance of them online who are just looking
to hook up.
Once I read that back to her that her whole attempt
to show that she was laid back was resulting in men
looking at her like she was just there for a good time
if you know what I'm saying.
Then she realized
that she had maybe played it a little too loose
and sharpened up her language
to indicate that she loves having fun but she would love to find
a deep meaningful connection with a man and a relationship.
That's one mistake women make is that in their effort to be laid back,
they end up coming across a little too loose
and giving them the wrong idea.
That maybe they're not looking for a relationship
and instead they just want something casual.
Here's the other mistake
that I find women make a lot and this one is actually much more common,
is women go out there
and they write their profile as if it's like,
a wall, the wall of a castle.
Because they've experienced so much,
whatever trauma or so many men who have disappointed them
or they dealt with so many creepers online
that their entire profile is very aggressive.
It's too tight.
It's too much on the other side.
It's too defensive and it's too aggressive
about who they are and what they want
and what they're not going to stand for.
For example, another one of my clients who will who will remain nameless,
both of these incredible women will remain nameless.
I love them to death.
I bet you either of them, both of them wouldn't mind
if I share their names,
but I'm going to keep them anonymous.
Her profile was like,
"I know what I want and I know what I don't want,
and I'm not going to accept any man who's just looking for this."
This is clear and I could feel
when I read her profile, her frustration,
and her cynicism about men and relationships.
It was clear in the way that she wrote her profile
that she was annoyed.
That's the other thing that women do
is they actually write their profile with their walls up,
and their walls and their defensiveness, and their jadedness
about men in relationship is clear in their online profile.
That is not going to encourage or excite or invite a man to want to pursue you.
That's going to make a man,
a man is going to intuitively get the sense that you're jaded,
that you're not really ready to play and have fun.
If a man doesn't feel that sense of lightness,
and that sense of freedom
in your energy and your profile,
that playfulness,
he's not going to be drawn or enticed to want to move forward with you.
If you have your walls up,
you can't expect a man to come to you with his walls down.
You see what I'm saying?
Those are two common things that I see women do.
They're either going out there a little too loose,
trying to be a little too casual
in the way that they're showing up,
or they're going out there with all their wounds on full display,
and going out there with their walls up.
Neither of those are going to get you the connection that you want.
What you want is a midpoint.
What you want to do is create a midpoint between those two things.
You want to be playful, and light, and inviting
without coming across if you just want something casual.
You also want to have boundaries
and you want to communicate standards without coming across heavy.
Heavy or hurt, or distrustful or jaded.
What would it look like for you--
This is the work I do with my clients all day.
What would it look like for you
in your online dating profile to have playful, constructive boundaries
about what the relationship you would love to have?
Clearly communicate that
without coming across as heavy-handed,
or like you're on a deadline to be married by next
year and you're done with all these sketchy guys out there.
What would it look like for you to be playful,
but clear about who you are,
and what you want the relationship you want to have.
The fun you want to have out there in the world with your partner.
What would it look like for you?
Really ask yourself and then look at your profile
and then ask yourself is the profile that I've created for myself,
is it communicating that in an effective way
that someone who doesn't know you at all would look at your pictures
and look at your profile,
and know who you are, and the relationship you want to create?
All right, so I hope this resonated with you.
I hope that this is going to help you look at your profile
and maybe make it a little bit more enticing.
If it's on one side or the other side.
I'd love to hear any questions that you have on the subject.
Please let me know what more topics around online dating you'd love me
to speak into.
I would be delighted to do it.
If you haven't hit the subscribe button yet,
take a second and do that.
I will see you next time on my channel.
Talk to you later.
Bye-bye.