So what's the movie about, you ask? A Chinese painting has been cut in half and
is the target of two rival groups of thieves: the Japanese Smuggling Group and the
British Smuggling Group. That's actually what they're called in the movie.
Such subtlety and and creativity...
Because out of all the nations they could've chosen, they manage
somehow, by coincidence I guess,
to come up with the two nations that have, I would say, the most interesting
histories with China. Oh wait...
unless there's a... mandatory... subtext going on here.
Well, in case you still haven't gotten it, one of the British smugglers is shown
smoking something in a water pipe
and whatever it is that he's smoking has a very soothing...
you could almost say...
narcotic effect.
Okay, we get it!
Put down the Didactic Hammer
...and Sickle.
So in this...
movie... an insurance agent...
who... turns out to be one helluva hand-to-hand combat expert
and a secret agent...
who seems to be married to her...
"It makes breakfast, or else it has to make FLIRTING SCHOLAR 3..."
Even though he...
He doesn't seem to even bother hiding the fact that he's some kind of
serial philanderer...
kind of... more about that later. Well, these two heroes are tasked with
uh... recovering one half of the painting and protecting the other half. I... I think.
You see,
it's hard to tell exactly, but I guess if we look at the person
who wrote and directed the film
it kinda makes a bit of sense. Jay Sun was previously the producer
for FIT LOVER
a film so awful
that its climax
is two cars having sex.
No, really, I'm not joking. Look.
See? I told you.
In SWITCH, there's a scene in which Andy Lau and Lin Chi Ling...
don't have sex.
It kind of sounds like they are...
and it vaguely sort of looks like they are... but
it turns out that
Andy Lau was just doing pushups because he needs to stay in shape
for his next watch commerical, or
tea commercial, or... whatever.
And while he's doing his pushups, this woman is sitting...
on a bathtub...
in her clothes...
by herself.
The only reason she's there is because she bears a remarkable resemblance
to Andy Lau's dead ex-girlfriend.
And in fact, actually she is his ex-girlfriend, but she's not dead, she's just changed
out of the sh*tty ten dollar wig that she had on that fooled him the first time
because he's so
smart, and such a great secret agent and apparently such a lousy husband-slash-
boyfriend... whatever. So...
...it's kinda hard to tell you the story because I honestly dont know
what the hell it is. But what I do know is
the reason that there was, of course, no sex between those two people is
because
the film was made in, and
for
China, so there's no
touchy... feely... kissy... pokey. But...
When you watch SWITCH... if you do...
you can tell all the different Hollywood movies that are being recycled.
It's mostly just an exercise in cheap Chinese
'knock-offery'... imitations of things that we've all seen done before in a lot of
other movies and seen them done a lot better.
But it's just done in such a cheap,
awful way that it ends up looking like some kind of made-for-cable mockbuster.
In the opening action scene of the film
someone zip-lines down to a building... from a jet!
the CGI that they used to make one of the actresses bald is absolutely
laughable, but so is my translation:
地毯和窗帘的和谐？
This movie is just...
it's insultingly bad, it's implicitly jingoistic, and it's
indefensibly awful.
In a museum in Taipei, two Mainland cops show up
in uniform.
BECAUSE TAIWAN IS A PROVINCE OF CHINA!!!
Really? I've got an idea. Why don't you take this thing...
And go f@#$ yourself. The Japanese villains...
of course that's redundant in Chinese...
are portrayed as hyper-sexualized, violent, pedophilic, psychotic,
and unbalanced. And they also have a lousy taste in hairstyles and clothes.
But I guess the filmmakers feel that that's how the Japanese people really
are, so it makes it okay for them to be shown that way.
As usual my biggest problem is the writer and director
which in this case is one person.
He gave an interview recently, and he made some very
interesting statements.
"When I wrote the script of SWITCH two years ago,
I didn't intend to direct it... I just couldn't find anybody else that was suitable."
Suitable in this case means mongoloid enough to willingly throw away
all their self-respect, credibility,
and uh... professional future.
"I was really touched by Andy Lau's support...
He fell in love with the movie." Well, Andy Lau recently apologized for even
being in this movie, so that essentially leaves you with a mouthful of sh*t, doesn't it?
"I also want to try hard to test the overseas market for the film."
It's about the same as the market for Chinese milk powder.
"I think our movie is easy for any people
to understand story-wise."
Well, if 'people' doesn't include two PhD holders who were completely baffled
by the narrative clusterf@#$ that you call a movie, then you're right.
"And Western audiences want to watch something
new from China." Yeah, actually they do.
But this film is just more typical Chinese frothing, as evidenced by its
wholly unsubtle demonizing of Japan and Britain, and it's really just more of the
same jingoistic crap.
The West does want something new from China
but SWITCH sure as hell isn't it. Andy Lau should apologize.
This movie stinks worse than an elephant's balls in August.
But don't take my word for it,
or the word of a metric
f@#$-ton of Chinese netizens who savaged this movie like a gang of sailors on
twelve-hour shore leave. This is one of those instances where I really want you
to see it, and that way I won't have suffered alone. I want you to see the movie,
but I don't want you to download it!
Down there, eventually,
there'll be links where you can buy it. Buy a DVD, don't buy a BluRay. Please, this
movie's not worth that!
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Have a lovely day.