LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY-WINNING
COMEDIAN WHO CREATED "THE OFFICE" AND "EXTRAS."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, RICKY GERVAIS!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HELLO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, WOW.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> MY PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.
( LAUGHS )
>> OH, THAT WAS REAL.
THAT WASN'T SARCASM, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.
>> I'M WEARING BLACK.
IT HELPS.
IT'S SLIMMING.
>> Stephen: IS IT REALLY?
>> AND TRACK SUIT.
YOU'RE SAYING, "HE IS WEARING A TRACK SUIT.
HE MUST BE FIT."
I PUT ON WEIGHT.
I PUT ON, I DON'T KNOW, 10 POUNDS OVER THE LAST YEAR.
I'M LOSING THE BATTLE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WELL, I-- >> I DON'T CARE.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I THINK
YOU DO LOOK GOOD, ESPECIALLY COMPARED TO THIS PHOTO YOU PUT
UP THREE DAYS-- THREE DAYS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A PHOTO YOU PUT UP.
YOU PUT THIS PHOTO UP THREE DAYS AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY-- WHY WOULD DO YOU THIS TO
YOURSELF?
WHY PUT THIS PHOTO UP?
>> I PUT THAT UP AND I SAID, "I PUT ON FIVE POUNDS OVER
CHRISTMAS.
PLEASE FAT-SHAME ME."
AND THEY DID.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE WERE HELPFULLY CRUEL.
>> THEY WERE SAYING THINGS LIKE, "HOW DO YOU GET RICKY GERVAIS
INTO A SHOWER?
GREASE THE SIDES AND THROW IN A COOKIE."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SO IT-- SOMEONE SAID, "IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TO YOURSELF."
( LAUGHTER ) SOMEONE WAS --
>> Stephen: THAT'S DEEP.
>> SOMEONE WAS REALLY POSITIVE.
THEY SAID, "LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, YOU'RE HARDER TO KIDNAP.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S GREAT.
REALLY-- THEY STRUGGLE, "MY BACK'S GONE.
LEAVE IT, FORGET IT."
>> Stephen: DONALD TRUMP'S PHYSICIAN JUST SAID HE'S IN
EXCELLENT HEALTH, 6'3", 239 POUNDS.
>> I'M GOING TO THAT DOCTOR.
>> Stephen: WHO MIGHT THE DOCTOR SAY ABOUT YOU?
>> I HAVE A PHYSICAL EVERY YEAR AND IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
I MEAN, I HAVE EVERYTHING NOW.
I'M IN MY 50s I HAD THE... AND THE FINGER EVERYTHING AND,
RIGHT.
YEAH.
AND THEY SAY, "WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SLIGHTLY-- A LITTLE BIT
OVERWEIGHT."
AND THEY'RE DOING IT NICELY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND THEY G, SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?"
AND I SAY, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT
IT?
YOU'RE THE DOCTOR."
IF I TAKE MY CAR TO THE MECHANICAC AND HE GOES, "IT'S
BROKEN.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO."
YOU'RE GOING TO FIX IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IF DONALD TRUMP IS HEALTHY, I'M HEALTHY.
HE'S LIKE MY CANARY IN THE MINE.
THERE WAS A STORY IN ENGLAND ABOUT A GUY WHO WENT TO THE
DOCTOR BECAUSE HE WAS OUT OF BREATH.
AND IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS SO CONSTIPATED THAT IT WAS PUSHING
HIS LUNGS UP, RIGHT.
SO I'M-- IF I DID THAT, I'D SAY, "I'M NOT GOING TO GO TO THE
TOILET NOW."
I'D SAY, "YOU'RE THE DOCTOR, GET IN THERE WITH A SPOON.
GET IT OUT.
SORT ME OUT.
I'M NOT GONNA--" AT THAT POINT, I THINK I'D HAVE A CESAREAN.
I WOULDN'T-- I WOULDN'T-- I WOULDN'T GO THROUGH THE PAIN.
SO, YEAH -- >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN FIT,
THOUGH.
HAVEN'T WE HAD "FIT RICKY?" >> I'VE BEEN FIT.
>> Stephen: IN YOUR FAMOUS PROFESSIONAL CAREER, YOU'VE HAD
WAVES OF FITNESS.
>> I WAS FIT FOR THE FIRST 28 YEARS, I'D SAY.
AND THEN I GOT-- I THINK I GOT FATTER AND FATTER OVER 20 YEARS,
RIGHT.
AND I REACHED MY SORT OF PEAK OF SORT OF UNWELLNESS AND
BLOBBINESS ABOUT 48.
I WAS LYING AT HOME ON THE FLOOR, RIGHT, AND I WAS SAYING
TO JANE, "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK."
AND I FELT SORT-- HOT AND CLAMMY BECAUSE I'D EATEN 11 SAUSAGES,
RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WASN'T HAVING A HEART
ATTACK, BUT JANE SAID, "YOU HAVE TO GET FIT."
SO I SORT OF GOT FIT BUT IT'S CREEPING BACK ON.
I DID IT BY WORKING OUT.
I WORKED OUT AN HOUR AND A HALF EVERY DAY LIKE ROCKY SO I COULD
GO HOME AND EAT PIZZA AND DRINK BEER EVERY NIGHT.
AND I STILL DO THAT AND I'M GOING TO GET FATTER AND FATTER
AND I'M GOING TO DIE.
>> Stephen: SO IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
>> YEAH, EVERYONE DOES DIE.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE DOES DIE, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> THIS HAS BROUGHT THE TONE DOWN A BIT.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
A LITTLE BIT.
YOU MADE QUITE A SPLASH OVER THE YEARS HOSTING THE GOLDEN GLOBES.
HOW MANY TIMESES?
>> FOUR.
>> Stephen: FOUR TIMES, AGO.
THIS YEAR WAS KIND OF--
THEY'RE APPLAUDING THE NUMBER FOUR.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THIS YEAR WAS A VERY PROMINENT YEAR FOR THE
GOLDEN GLOBES.
I THINK SETH DID A REALLY LOVELY JOB.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE WHEN THEY WERE WRITING
ABOUT IT GIVEN THE #METOO, OR THE "TIME'S UP" MOVEMENT, THANK
GOD RICKY GERVAIS DIDN'T HOST IT THIS YEAR.
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO IRREVERENT.
OR, "I WISH HE HAD BECAUSE WE WOULD HAVE SEEN MORE
IRREVERENCE."
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
>> I WAS JEALOUS OF SETH.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AMAZING.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF MY CAREER.
>> Stephen: BUT WE ALL DIE.
>> RIGHT, IT DOESN'T MATTER, I'M GOING TO DIE SOON.
HONESTLY, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I THINK THAT'S WHY I'VE DONE THE BEST STAND-UP EVER BECAUSE I'M
SO CLOSE TO DEATH THAT I THINK WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN
TO ME?
I MEAN, SOMEONE BEING OFFENDED NOW IS NOTHING.
"SO WHAT?
I'M GOING TO DIE."
>> Stephen: WERE THERE THINGS YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT-- IT'S
A VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT.
>> THE MORE SENSITIVE, THE BETTER.
THAT'S THE FUN FOR ME, TALKING ABOUT IRREVERENT AND SENSITIVE
AND TABOO SUBJECTS.
THERE'S NO SUBJECT YOU SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT.
IT DEPENDS ON THE ALL JOKE AND TARGET.
AND PEOPLE GET OFFENDED WHEN THEY MISTAKE THE SUBJECT OF JOKE
AND THE ALL TARGET AND THEY'RE NOT NECESSARILY THE SAME.
SOME PEOPLE ARE OFFENDED FINE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OFFENDED DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE RIGHT.
SOME PEOPLE ARE OFFENDED BY EQUALITY.
YOUR PRESIDENT, HE'S OFFENDED BY EQUALITY.
IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THE-- THIS-- I HAVE TO ASK, YOU'RE WEARING ALL
BLACK.
THAT'S VERY WOKE OF YOU.
IS THAT-- IS THAT IN SOLIDARITY WITH ANYONE?
>> NO, BECAUSE IT'S SLIMMING.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO MOVE YOUR MIC DOWN SLIGHTLY, IF YOU
DON'T MIND, IT'S CAUGHT IN YOUR--
>> ABUSE.
THIS IS ABUSE.
>> Stephen: IT'S CAUGHT IN YOUR NEC.
>> OH, THAT ONE AGAIN.
YEAH, YEAH.
BUT DID I REALLY NEED THE ONE ON MY TESTICLES YOU PUT ON EARLIER.
YOU SAID IT'S GOING GOODFOR PICK UP THE BASS.
IS THAT TRUE?
IS THAT A REAL THING.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> REALLY.
>> Stephen: THE SUBWOULD HAVER IS WHAT WE CALL IT.
>> WHICH IS WHAT I CALL YOU NOW.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU CARE TO WOOF ME SUB?
>> NONE OF THIS WILL GO OUT.
>> Stephen: YOU CREATED A GAME SHOW.
IT'S CALLED "CHILD SUPPORT."
WHY AND WHAT AND IF YOU HAVE TIME WHERE?
>> IT'S LIKE A CLASSIC GAME SHOW WITH A TWIST.
"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE."
MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC ANSWER QUESTIONS FOR THE MONEY AND THE
MONEY GETS BIGGER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE HOST?
>> I'M NOT THE HOST.
THAT'S TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY PMEN.FRED SAVAGE IS THE HOST.
IF THEY GET A QUESTION WRONG, IT GOES TO ME IN A ROOM WITH SIX,
SEVEN- AND EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS.
I ASK THEM QUESTIONS, AND IF ONE GETS THE QUESTION RIGHT, THE
ADULT IS SAVED.
IT'S FUN FOR ME.
THEY INSULT ME.
THEY DON'T RESPECT ME, WHICH I LIKE.
THAT'S GOOD.
IT'S A GOOD THING.
I WAS-- ONE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "ARE YOU MARRIED?
AND I SAID, "SORT OF.
I'VE BEEN WITH THE SAME GIRLFRIEND FOR OVER 30 YEARS."
AND SHE WENT, "WHY DON'T YOU PROPOSE TO HER, THEN?"
GIVING ME A HARD TIME.
AND THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, "WE CAN SEE YOUR BALD SPOT."
AND I JUST LAUGH.
IT'S JUST FUNNY.
IT'S PURE FUN.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN?
>> I DON'T, NO.
I DON'T KNOW, NO.
BUT THIS IS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, I CAN HAVE FUN WITH
THEM, GET THEM RILED UP, TEASE THEM, LAUGH, AND THEN I SAY,
"THEY'RE NOT MINE," AND GO TO THE PUB.
SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.
IT'S PERFECT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO TRY THAT.
I HAVE TO TRY, THAT YEAH.
SO WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE YOU HITTING THESE KIDS WITH?
ARE THEY REALLY TOUGH?
>> THEY GET TOUGHER.
BUT IT MIGHT BE A TOP QUESTION THE ADULT DOESN'T KNOW,
SOMETHING ABOUT DISNEY.
THEY'VE BEEN SAVED-- WITHOUT GIVING TOO MUCH AWAY-- BY
ASTRONOMY QUESTIONS.
SOME OF THEM ARE LITTLE GENIUSS.
BUT THEY'RE ALL SORT OF SWEET AND ALL DIFFERENT.
IT'S JUST FUNNY.
IT'S JUST FUN TOW WATCH THEM.
I COULD JUST SIT THERE ALL DAY BECAUSE THERE'S NO FILTER.
THEY'RE JUST SO HONEST.
THAT'S WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT.
I THINK HONESTY IS FUNNY.
>> Stephen: CHILDREN ARE UNFILTERED.
THEY'RE UNFILTERED, YEAH.
WE HAVE TALKED OFTEN WHEN YOU'RE ON HERE-- AND I LOVE IT WHEN
YOU'RE ON, WE TALKED SEVERAL TIMES, YOU TALK ABOUT GOD
SEVERAL TIMES.
IT'S BEEN NINE MONTHS SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON AND WE'RE
THAT MUCH CLOSER TO ME.
>> NOT JUST ME, THE WHOLE WORLD.
>> Stephen: THE WORLD.
AND PEOPLE OFTEN, AS THE SAYING GOES, FIND GOD AS THEY APPROACH
THEIR FINAL BOARDS.
AND NOW THAT YOU'RE OLDER, HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU AGAIN, HAVE
YOU GIVEN ANY MORE THOUGHT TO GOD AND WHETHER HE MIGHT BE
REAL?
>> UH, YEAH, I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YEAH, HE'S NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE WAS A STUDY-- THIS WAS A STUDY
ACTUALLY I JUST READ THE HEADLINE, BUT IT WAS JUST LAST
WEEK, BUT THERE WAS A STUDY IN ENGLAND THAT THEY TOOK A SURVEY
OF EIGHTHESTS AND THEY SAID, "WHEN YOU THINK DEATH IS
IMMINENT, ONE QUARTER OF THE RESPONDENTS WHO SAID THEY WERE
ATHEISTS SAID THEY PRAYED.
WOULD YOU PRAY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: LIKE IF YOU'RE IN HAWAII, LIKE HAWAII, WHEN THE
MISSILES ARE COMING.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OR YOU THINK THE MISSILES ARE COME AGO.
>> OH, THEY HAD A 38-MINUTE WARNING.
>> Stephen: A 38-MINUTE WARNING, A MILLION PEOPLE IN
HAWAII THOUGHT FOR 38 MINUTES, THE BOMB WAS COMING, WHAT WOULD
YOU DO WITH YOUR 38 MINUTES?
>> I'D WATCH THE FIRST HALF OF MY NETFLIX SPECIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) IT STREAMS ON THE 13th OF
MARCH.
SO -- >> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> I THINK SO.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO OUT WITH-- SOME PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "I'M
GOING TO HAVE SEX."
38 MINUTES WHAT, WOULD YOU DO WITH THE REST OF THE TIME?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I SUGGEST YOU WATCH MY SPECIAL.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
JUST HAVE IT CUED UP ALL THE TIME.
>> WHILE MASTURBATING.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: SO CLOSE, SO CLOSE
TO A HAPPY ENDING.
RICKY, IT WAS SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "CHILD SUPPORT" AIRS FRIDAYS ON
ABC.
PLUS THE NETFLIX THING, MARCH 13.
RICKY GERVAIS, EVERYBODY!