WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND ACTOR WHO IS ABOUT TO RELEASE
HER FIRST HOUR-LONG STANDUP SPECIAL ON NETFLIX.
PLEASE WELCOME CRISTELA ALONZO!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> HELLO.
HELLO.
>> Stephen: HELLO.
I LIKE THE LITTLE TROT YOU DID COMING OUT HERE.
>> I GET VERY NERVOUS.
I DON'T WEAR HEELS.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING WALKING IN THESE SHOES FOR, LIKE, OVER A
WEEK, AND I KEPT THINKING I WAS GOING TO FALL, AND I DIDN'T.
HELL YEAH.
#NAILED IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALWAYS THE BEGINNING OF A GREAT INTERVIEW
WITH THE GUEST MAKES IT TO A CHAIR.
IT'S ONE OF THE TOP SIGNS.
>> NOW WITH SOCIAL MEDIA, TOO, IF YOU FALL YOU BECOME FAMOUS
FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE ANYTHING I CAN GET.
I'M NOT PROUD.
YOU'RE A COMEDIAN AND YOU'RE AN ACTRESS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST LATINA TO HAVE HER OWN NETWORK SHOW
"CRISTELA."
YOU GROUP IN A SMALL BORDER TOWN.
>> OH, YES!
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET TO COMEDY FROM THERE?
WERE THERE CLUBS IN YOUR TOWN?
HOW DID YOU-- >> NO CLUBS WHATSOEVER.
I LOVED TV.
I WAS A LATCHKEY KID.
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
WOO, TIMES WERE TOUGH!
WOOO!
I WAS A LATCHKEY KID.
I WAS OBSESSED WITH TV.
TV WAS MY BEST FRIEND, AND I USED TO WATCH A LOT OF COMEDY, A
LOT OF STAND-UP.
AND MY MOM COULDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH, SO SHE DIDN'T KNOW A
LOT OF COMEDY HAD A LOT OF BAD WORDS IN IT, SO ALL SHE SAW WERE
ME LAUGHING, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME."
>> Stephen: WAIT, SHE WOULDN'T SAY-- WOULD SHE SAY, "TELL ME
THAT JOKE?" >> OH, NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
SHE JUST LOVED I WAS LAUGHING SO MUCH.
HERE'S THE THING.
MY MOM LOVED "SATURDAY NIGHT LIFE."
OUR BIG THING AND WE WERE KIDS WE WOULD WATCH "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIFE" EVERY SATURDAY AFTER SHE GOT OUT OF WORK.
SHE KNEW EDDIE MURPHY WAS CELINE.
>> Stephen: EDDIE MURPHY WAS CLEAN.
>> ON S.N.L.
AND SHE SAID, "THAT'S THE GUY FROM S.N.L., YOU CAN WATCH IT.
AND I'M LIKE OKAY.
AND HE STARTS TALKING, AND I'M LIKE, "OH, DAMN, I CAN WATCH
THIS."
IT WAS AMAZING.
I LOVED IT AND I FELL IN LOVE.
COMEDY HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY THING.
>> Stephen: DID SHE WANT YOU TO BE A COMEDIAN?
>> NO, GOD NO.
SHEMENTED ME TO CUT HAIR.
MY MOM WAS A DEVOUT CATHOLIC, AND SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT
PRACTICAL, BE PRACTICAL.
SHE ALWAYS SAID, "99 A RECESSION, PEOPLE'S HAIR GROWS.
YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A JOB."
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
BUT IF YOU FALL INTO A DEPRESSION, THEN YOU NEED A
COMEDIAN.
>> WE'RE LATINO.
WE DON'T BELIEVE IN DEPRESSION.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T?
>> ISN'T THAT WEIRD.
I THINK GROWING UP CATHOLIC-- BECAUSE I HEARD YOU ARE, TOO--
WE ALWAYS CEEND OF HAD TO SUCK IT UP.
WE DIDN'T REALLY -- >> Stephen: SURE, MY MOM WOULD
SAY, "OFFER IT UP.
OFFER IT UP.
OFFER IT UP."
WHATEVER YOU WERE SUFFERING, SHE'D SAY, "OFFER IT UP" AND
WHEN YOU GOT TO HEAVEN THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER JEWEL IN YOUR
CROWN SHE SAID.
>> MY MOM WOULD BE MORE LIKE, "DON'T BOTHER HIM.
DON'T BOTHER HIM.
HE'S BUSY.
DON'T BOTHER HIM."
>> Stephen: NO, THE CROWN WAS OUR BIG REWARD.
AND WE USED TO SAY MY DROWN CROUN IS GOING TO BE SO HEAVY I
WON'T BE ABLE TO WALK AROUND.
>> YOU WILL HAVE A CROWN IN HEAVEN?
MY MOTHER WAS LIKE IN HEAVEN YOU WILL HAVE ELECTRICITY AND
RUNNING WATER.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU RECENTLY DABBLED IN FIGHTING
CRIME.
>> I DID!
OKAY, MY CAR -- >> Stephen: WAS THIS ON "LAW &
ORDER: SVU."
>> Stephen: >> I'M LATINA.
I CAN'TOB "LAW & ORDER."
OKAY, REAL TALK.
THIS WEEK, MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO.
I'VE NEVER HAD MY CAR BROKEN INTO.
IN LOS ANGELES.
I WOULDN'T DRIVE IN NEW YORK.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I WAS IN MY FRIEND'S
APARTMENT FOR 15 MINUTES,Y COME DOWN, THIS GARDNER COMES UP TO
ME IN SPANISH AND SAYS, "THIS GUY BROKE YOUR WINDOW.
HE'S RIGHT THERE."
THE GUY WAS ACROSS THE STREET.
>> Stephen: HE HADN'T RUN AWAY?
>> NO, IT HAD JUST HAPPENED.
HE WAS WALKING AWAY.
I HAD A MAIB UP BAG FROM LIKE SEPHORA, AND I SAW THE BLACK AND
WHITE BAG.
HE WAS WALKING AWAY WITH IT.
AND I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, THAT'S MY BAG."
I LOOKED AT THE GARDNER, "GRACIAS," I CROSSED THE STREET
AND CHASED AFTER THE DUDE.
I CHASED AFTER THE GUY WITH MY MAKEUP BUT I DON'T DO IT RIGHT
AWAY BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE WHERE HE TURNS SO I KNOW WHERE HE
LIVES.
>> Stephen: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
>> TUESDAY,.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T CHASE HIM IN THOSE HEELS?
>> OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU SERIOUS.
I ALMOST WENT BAREFOOT JUST TO GET MORE SPEED.
I WENT AFTER THE GUY, AND I SAID, "HEY, YOU GONNA GIVE ME
BACK MY STUFF OR DO I HAVE TO GET MY STUFF BACK FROM YOU,
BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF NOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND YOU KNOW, PEOPLE TELL ME, ,"
YOU'RE REALLY STUPID FOR DOING THAT," BUT I'M SO CATHOLIC, I'M
LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I TRUST GOD.
IF IT'S MY TIME TO GO, IT'S MY TIME TO GO, BUT I'M GONNA GO
WITH MY MAKEUP."
>> Stephen: LIKE YOUR MOM WOULD WANT.
>WANT.
>> "DON'T BROCKTONER HIM.
"I'M GOING TO DO IT MYSELF.
I GOT MY BAG BACK.
I WENT BACK TO MY FRIEND'S APARTMENT AND I SAID, "HEY, MY
CAR GOT BROKEN INTO."
AND HE SAID, "NO WAY."
AND I SAID, "I GOT MY STUFF BACK."
AND I LOOKED IN MY BAG AND SAID THANK GOD, I HAD LIPSTICK THAT
WAS SOLD OUT EVERYWHERE.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO MEET YOU, CRISTELA.
HER SPECIAL, "LOWER CLASSY," PREMIERES JANUARY
24TH ON NETFLIX. CRISTELA ALONZO, EVERYBODY!