Hi there, nice to meet you.
Well I'm just going to go ahead and address the elephant in the room right away.
Yes, I do own two of my own businesses.
Yes, everything that I touch DOES turn to gold,
so your son probably couldn't do much better than me.
Anyway, what are we drinking?
*way too excited* Hi, nice to meet you!
This is such a lovely home and WOW,
Carol! Your dress is just stunning!
Moustached Father: So what do you like about my son?
Well he's
kind and friendly.
*appreciative nod*
He owns a pet husky and he
plays the harp.
*brow furrows in confusion*
He has a dream of moving to Paris
and starting his own little paint studio.
*"this isn't where I parked my car"*
I'll work during the day at a little cafe next door and
we'll spend our evenings drinking wine on the rooftops.
On Sundays he
volunteers at the local children's hospital.
No he doesn't.
*longing stare as she forms expectations that this man will never meet*
In my head he does.
*Moustached Father is distressed*
Yeah and Ben loves it when I do my one-man show rendition of the hit musical Hamilton.
Have you seen Hamilton?
Oh.
Well I mean-
I guess I could just do it for you-
should I just do it for you now?
Ben, honey,
Do you have my backing track CD here?
Ohhh.
*passive aggressive* I thought we agreed that we were always going to keep that in the car.
And so it's really quite ironic that the general population believes that they have any say
in what the government says or does, especially when you consider the fact that the voting system is,
to be frank-
What?
*is annoyed at interruption*
Oh please, like you didn't know I was going to do this when you brought me to your parents'.
So,
that's a lovely picture that you've got there. Is that Jacob with his grandmother?
Serene Mother: Oh, no. That's ah,
that's Jacob with me.
Oh. ... Well. ...
Nice whiskers!
*panic ensues*
Sorry, what?
I said I think I'm getting blisters.
Nope, that's not better.
*can't handle silence* So... how...
is... that piano?
Meaning...
How did you come across that piano?
Do you play the piano?
Oh well,
not so much now that I'm older.
Y'know...
*putting foot in it* they say that Beethoven is still making music even though he's dead.
He's deCOMPOSING.
*waiting for punchline*
*dejected, the ENFP gives up*
Mr. Fletcher, Sir.
Lovely to meet you.
Moustached Father: You can call me Tom.
Don't be silly.
I believe in giving respect where respect is due.
Anyway, I brought my resume so that you-
This pie is lovely.
I said this pie is lovely.
I'm Sally.
I've been here the whole time?
I'm dating your son?
You were literally just showing me your wedding album five minutes ago.
Well that pie was lovely, wasn't it?
May I take some of these plates?
Oh no really, I insist.
And can I make a cup of tea for anyone?
Oh you...
you don't have tea in the house...
*judgement*
Well that's okay.
What kind of monster doesn't have tea in the house?
*way too keen* Hey gal pal, what's the happy haps?
Oblivious But Cute Mother: I'm sorry, the what?
The happy haps.
What's goin' on?
Ummm...
Oh I'm sorry, my bad. *clears throat*
How art thou on this fine afternoon?
*cutely* Going well, thank you.
It's nice to meet you.
Your home is pleasant and
I've very much enjoyed dating your son.
*judgemental inner monologue* One of her eyebrow hairs is slightly out of place and
if she doesn't fix it this is going to be an extremely painful evening.
Hi, nice to meet you.
*a much-too-comfortable sigh*
No.
Not yet.
It's been a rough day, Carol.
Or should I say...
... mother.
Moustached Father: So Sarah,
what do you do?
What do I do?
Well, I try to be a good person,
I ah, practice self-reflection,
I consume knowledge and I
think freely.
*Moustached Father is impressed*
Good for you.
Can I get you a drink?
Yes. A beer please.
*Moustached Father nods in approval*
What's that?
No I'm not going to be inauthentic just to impress your father.
You knew this about me when you started dating me.
Father With Defined Jawline: Nice to meet you.
You too.
*awkward silence*
*Jawline Father makes small talk*
*girl gives disappointing answer*
*awkward silence*
So what do you like about my son?
Ummm...
*gives another disappointing answer*
Ahhh, yes. I'm finally seeing the relationship dynamic play out between these two
and it absolutely makes sense of the attachment issues that I've noticed in Jonathan.
Okay.
Don't mess this up.
First impressions are everything.
Apparently.
*Serene Mother approaches* Hello, Jessica.
Nice to meet you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to make a faux pas in this social situation.
*thinking* Nice to meet you too.
Oh my goodness.
Did you just mix up what you were meant to say in your head with what you were meant to say out loud?
How the heck are you going to recover from this situation?
Quick,
compliment them on something to do with their home.
There are flowers on the table.
They are blue.
Blue is a colour.
*Serene Mother is perplexed, but still serene*
Okay, all you've done there is just spout out a few facts.
I'm gonna need you to compliment something else
and this time include an emotive statement somewhere.
Anywhere.
I
LIKE
your curtains.
They seem like they
do a successful job of achieving their purpose of
blocking out sunlight while
simultaneously providing you with
ample privacy.
*Serene Mother gives polite nod*
Okay this isn't working for you.
Move onto the cooking.
Say it smells nice.
Everything tasted great tonight, Mrs. Fletcher.
*Serene Mother looks through glasses for closer look at this person*
Juuuuust turn around and go home.
You're not allowed to leave the house anymore.
We need more pause.
Yep.
Did you start laughing?
Crime.
Si...
Okay, no one cares this much
about Si details.
Let us know in the comments:
do you care about my hair not having a little tiny... what is it?
Fluff.