Alright, now I know most people have gone through something like this before.
You lock yourself out of your house, because you're not paying attention.
Now you gotta squeeze your fat butt through the window like an idiot.
So I figured I'd tell the story about
when I locked myself out of the duplex, that I used to live in.
So I wake up one morning, I've got the whole house to myself.
My roommate Brewer is already at work, slinging cigarettes at the Circle K.
But I noticed, that his dog is in my room, and she's looking at me, like,
"Hey, asshole! It's 11 o'clock in the morning!"
"Are you gonna take me outside?"
"Or do I got to shit on the living room floor, like some kind of Olsen Twin?"
So I take Brewer's dog out to backyard.
I'm still in my boxers and shit, half-awake.
Brewer's dog is out there, taking a dump.
"Well, I can't go when you're watching me, you big pervert!"
So we go to head back inside, but I realise that we can't.
Because I've shut the back door, and the back door locks automatically.
"Oh, boy! I think I just fucked myself!"
Brewer's dog is looking at me like, "Oh, you stupid asshole!"
"You locked us out of the house?!"
"It's fucking November out here, we're gonna die!"
So I go to the front door and start ringing the doorbell.
I'm hoping that the neighbour downstairs is home and he can let us in.
There's people walking down the street and shit.
"Oh, what's that naked guy doing to that dog?!"
"I don't know, what a pervert!"
So now I'm starting to panic a little bit.
I hurry up and run to the side door of the house.
And to my surprise, it actually opens.
But it only opens, like, three inches, because there's a goddamn chain lock on the door.
"God damn, stupid chain locks! We're gonna die out here, dog!"
"We're gonna die, and it's gonna be all my fault!"
So I take my naked ass over to the garage and try to come up with a game plan.
I find this rusty-ass axe in there, looking like it's from the Great Depression.
So now I'm outside, chopping away at this goddamn chain lock.
Looking like some kind of pantless serial killer and shit.
"Holy smokes! Should we call the police?"
"Uhm, no, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see this."
"I don't fuck around with people, that don't wear pants."
I get, like, six swings in.
And instead of breaking the chain lock, I break the goddamn axe!
So now, like I mentioned before, I gotta try to fit my fat butt through the window.
But we live on the second story.
How the hell am I gonna get through a window that high?
What am gonna, fucking, pole vault my ass up there?
So I go back to the garage.
And this time I grab a 30-foot extension ladder.
Now, I was 19 years old at the time.
What the hell do I know about ladders?
Apparently, you're supposed to have a ladder at a 75 degree angle from the house.
But I didn't do that.
Instead, I set it up like an asshole, spread it out all willy-nilly.
Well, imagine my surprise, when I got two-thirds the way up,
and the whole ladder slides out from underneath me.
Like some kind of goddamn Home Alone booby trap.
I fall on the ground, land on my ankle sideways.
Brewer's dog is just staring at me.
"Oh my God! We're gonna die out here in the elements!
"Thanks to you, you big idiot!"
All right, to hell the ladder, since I damn near broke my ankle.
What if I'd go through one of the neighbour's windows instead?
And then go upstairs?
"That's breaking and entering, you idiot! You wanna go to jail?"
"I mean, this is my house too, technically."
"I'd just be breaking into the wrong half of the house."
So I open up the window to my neighbour's bedroom, and I hop inside.
Now, it's a really weird feeling, breaking into somebody else's house.
I gotta say, I was quite uncomfortable doing it.
"Okay, this is no big deal."
"It's just a class 5 felony after all."
I start walking towards the door,
when all of a sudden, I hear another door opening.
And it's my fucking neighbour walking into his house!
Or his half of the house, rather!
And here I am in my goddamn skivvies in the middle of his bedroom!
He's gonna come in here, thinking I'm rifling through all his shit!
I'm gonna get arrested.
I'm probably gonna be on the news and shit.
"Thank you for joining us at 13 O'clock News!"
"This just in, we have a local pervert, that was caught red-handed, breaking into houses!"
"We have Dan Peterson on the scene! Dan, what do you have for us?"
"Well, Tom, it appears this weirdo got all naked,"
"And then broke into the wrong half of his house."
"Wow, what a pervert, Dan! What the f*ck is the matter with that guy?!"
"I don't know, Tom. But we also think that he sexually assaulted his dog as well."
"Back to you."
So I freak out, start to head back for the window.
My ankle is all screwed up, I'm hobbling along like Nancy Kerrigan and shit.
I throw myself out of the window, like the building is on fire.
Hurry up to shut the window.
"Okay, we're gonna pretend that didn't happen!"
"I hurry up and go to the front of the house and ring the doorbell again."
"Oh, hey there, neighbor!"
"You're probably wondering, why I'm out here in my underwear with this dog."
"I assure you, it's nothing sexual."
"Now, can you please let us in the house?"
"Before I have to commit another felony."
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