So, I was just going through my daily emails from LIG members. And I found another topic
that you d be interested in. This is a topic about being assertive. Let me read the question
then I ll share with you my practical advice so you can be more assertive in your day to
day dealings at work.
Here s the email;
Deniz, I constantly feel that I am being ignored and I don t get the support I need from other
departments. I d like to be more assertive but I simply don t know how. My requests keep
getting ignored or rejected. This has not only affected my work at McKinsey negatively
as I can t get things done, but also impacted my psychology. I am afraid I am going to end
up becoming a push over if things go this way. So, I was wondering given your management
consulting background if you can maybe share with me a few tips that will allow me to become
more assertive at work?
Yes. I do have a couple suggestions for you.
But let s very quickly first cover the definition so we are on the same page. Being assertive
for me is getting what you want out of a conversation. Out of a communication exchange.
Now, I am sure you know the communication is visual, verbal, and vocal. Right? Visual
being your body language, verbal is the words you use, and vocal is how those words come
out.
Now, I don t want to spend much time on the visual part; the body language. I am sure
you heard this a million times. Don t slump, use hand gestures, chin up, etc. These are
simple stuff. It s just projecting confidence.
But what makes the biggest, the biggest difference comes from your verbal communication. And
you ll find out soon that it has nothing to do with having rich vocabulary, or using sophisticated
words, or intonations.
But before I get there. Let me share with you how conversations usually go when you
want something done.
Let s say you want a report delivered on Tuesday. You go to concerned employee and he refuses
you.
Usually, the conversation goes like this;
You go and say hey Deniz, do you mind submitting the report on Tuesday. I need to get the data
from that report because I have a presentation on Wednesday to the CEO. And CEO will actually
use it on his presentation to the board.
So, you think you laid out your argument very articulately, and you are expecting a positive
response. But the problem is you threw all your bullets in one shot. Meaning, you used
all the arguments you can potentially present in immediately at the beginning.
Now, what if the guy says that sorry I can t do it. I have another presentation and I
don t have time. What else is there for you to say? You ran out of bullets.
Seriously, what are you going to say? Please? Pretty please? The only thing you can do at
that stage is by trying to convince him that your bullets are bigger than his bullet. You
got nothing else left. You are going to lose that battle.
Right? I mean think about it. Your first bullet was that you d like to get it on Tuesday.
Second bullet was that it s important because you have a presentation to the CEO. And the
Third bullet was that it s extra important because CEO will use that data for the board
presentation. Unless you have power in the organization, like your role, authority, you
are going to lose that battle.
You are with me so far?
My way is different. My way works like a charm for me. I ve been using this for the past
15 years in my consulting career and it really works. I ve been using this for the past 15
years in my consulting career and it just works.
So, what I do differently is that I shoot my bullets one by one.
I go and say; hi Deniz, could you please give me the report by Tuesday?
Let s say the guy says no. So, he s going to shoot his bullet, right?> He s going to
say sorry I can t because I also have a presentation and I don t have time.
Then, you shoot your second bullet. Yeah, I understand but this is actually for the
CEO.
Most likely, he is going to yield after your second bullet and say ah I see. Yeah sure.
But let s say he didn t. And he said, yeah I wish I could but you know I really don t
have time. See, he is just repeating his bullet at this stage. But you got one more in the
stock. Then you shoot your 3rd bullet, and say; I understand but actually the CEO will
use this data for his presentation to the board presentation. See&
At that time, the most likely outcome is that he ll say ok. He still may not but again it
s all about increasing probabilities of the outcome you want. So, by this way, you ll
definitely double your chances of winning that little battle.
So, this is one simple trick that I always use. Try it next time. I am sure you ll get
great benefits.
Eventually, if you consistently pay attention to this, what is going to happen is that it
will become a habit. So, by the time it takes you to start walking towards the guy for your
request, your brain is going to get to work and start listing your bullets. And eventually
you ll get so advanced at this that you ll pick and choose which bullets to fire based
on his response. So, you ll have like 5 bullets ready to be fired all prepared by the time
you walk up to him.
Ok. This was one technique that you can use.
Now, it just so happens that sometimes you don t have enough bullets, right? You don
t have a CEO using that report, or that the CEO will use that data for his presentation
to the board. You just want it on Tuesday and that s it no bullets nothing.
If you find yourself in that situation, then I suggest you follow this.
Let s say you fired your first bullet, the guy said no he s busy. Then you repeat again,
I really appreciate if you can do this by Tuesday. You ll realize that out of 10 conversations,
you ll convert at least 2 of them just by repeating your request. If you have kids then
you know what I am talking about. You don t have to insist 100 times but repeat at least
once more. There is a high likelihood that they may just yield simply because you insisted.
I mean do you know why kids do this? Because it works. Kids are not as mannered as you,
they have limited social skills, they are driven by simple logic like If This Then That.
I insist, I get what I want. The only problem with kids is that it s just they take it too
extremes. Simply because they don t care about bad manners.
So, repeat your request at least one more.
Let s say even if they don t yield, there is a chance that they ll look for a common
medium. For example, he may end up saying, ok I can do it on Tuesday but only in the
afternoon, is it fine? See, great!
If they still say no after you insisted politely, and that they presented no alternatives, no
common mediums, then you present them. You say, how about Tuesday afternoon.
Let me put this in numbers. So, let s say you have 100 wins. Win meaning you getting
what you want out of that conversation.
So, out of that 100 wins, 70 of them will come from just being strategic with your bullets,
and firing them one by one instead of firing them all at the same time.
20 of them will come from standing your ground firmly and repeating your request.
And 10 of them will come from finding common grounds or compromises, like Tuesday afternoon
instead of morning.
Cool?
So, this was a technique you can use. You ll be amazed by the results. You ll see.
But I also need to address the foundation here. The foundation is that whether you are
highly agreeable or not. And as humans, we all have different levels of agreeableness.
You know it s like on one end, you have aggressively stubborn people who are very difficult to
get along with, and the other end of the spectrum we have total push overs. Obviously, neither
extreme is good for you. You ideally want to be on the right side of this axis.
Being highly agreeable is your number 1 enemy when it comes to being assertive.
Let me explain.
If your ultimate goal is to arrive at an agreement, then you will give up too soon just to find
a way to agree. You cannot be assertive and seek agreement all the time. It s just not
possible.
For example, let s continue with the same example. You want that report on Tuesday.
The guys says he s busy. If you are a highly agreeable person, then you will want to say,
ok when can you give it to me?
You lost the game just right there. Game over. Now he sets the schedule. You didn t get what
you wanted.
Now, being highly agreeable, it s fine if you are a part of a big team. Or that your
job doesn t require much shaking things you know. You get into lesser arguments, you avoid
uncomfortable confrontations, aggression, usually you end up having better relationships
with your colleagues as well, but it s very unlikely you ll achieve success in your life.
And if you are in leadership capacity, or working in operations management, project
management, or god forbid in management consulting, you ll fail at your job miserably. Like in
this case for example, the question comes from a McKinsey consultant. It s very difficult
for us consultants. Because, in consulting we don t have authority. Fine the CEO hired
us to solve a particular problem, but that doesn t necessarily mean that we have the
full support from the team. Right? We have no authority. We have no power. We are consultants.
I mean what are you going to do, go complain to the CEO that his team is not supporting
you. I mean your job is done. You do that you ll find yourself fired from the project.
Not by the client, but by the partner in charge of that account. You are going to be kicked
out. So, it s a very difficult job. You ll have to get what you need
without any power.
So, pay attention to it. Tone down your agreeableness and pay attention to the techniques we discussed
and you ll be fine. Just continue practicing in every one of your interactions. Fire your
bullets strategically, and one by one, and eventually you ll see some big changes.
This topic is done.
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