Being in a relationship for three years you learn something.
There are certain rules.
Especially if you are dating an Indian girl.
Indian girls have a lot of restrictions. Unfortunately!
It’s like a...
I feel every Indian girl
has to lie to her parents to date a guy.
Like in a covert Russian spy mission.
She is always on the lookout.
Is that my mom?
Is that my dad? No.
Is that my uncle? Shit!
My uncle. Fuck!
Moustache.
So, what I learnt from this is
when her mom calls
you never disturb that call.
Do not disturb
'the girl and her mother' call.
There are certain signs to know her mom is calling.
If her phone’s ringing and she is like...
That’s not her mom.
If her phone’s ringing like...
One second.
And they go into this protective environment.
Which has an invisible force field.
And like an idiot I asked her,
‘Who are you talking to? Your mom?’
And she said, ‘No! Go away’
You fool!
You have any idea what would happen if she knew?
Yeah, mommy, I am praying.
We’re chilling. Actually, we are studying.
Yeah, mom. Yeah.
Never mess with her...
I have seen girlfriends turn into hulks.
They've punched me in the face.
It’s very scary.
Second rule: Never... This is such a stupid thing, guys.
Never try to make your girlfriend jealous.
Just look at the scenario.
Just look at the scenario in this club right now.
Single guys.
Single girls. Few!
A single girl in India
with a population of a billion…
99% are single guys.
Do you know the amount of attention she is getting?
It is a privilege that she is...
For a few months, I will give you my full attention.
And you think,
‘Oh! This one girl hit on me. Let me show off. Come on.’
It is the most dumbest thing you can ever do.
Also, we guys are very simple.
We get happy with simple shit.
One girl flirts with me and I’m like ‘Fuck,
can’t wait to tell my girlfriend.’
She is going to value me more now.
Hey, guess what happened today? What?
A girl was flirting with me.
You jealous?
How cute.
She gave you attention?
Let me tell you about the guys
who hit on me while I went to the bus-stop five minutes back.
Page one.
Don’t try to make her jealous. Just, don’t.
Rule #3.
This is a very weird thing but it shows character.
You have to drop your girlfriend to the auto rickshaw.
Make sense post when it gets dark. Makes sense.
But, if it is before 5 pm it doesn’t make sense to me.
Because guys are horrible at catching auto rickshaws.
Women are awesome because guys believe in physics.
Women don’t.
They don’t.
I have seen auto rickshaws hit motorbikes and hit guys crossing the road.
My girlfriend stops an auto.
Auto!
Just stops here.
Just stops.
The problem with guys is that we have this problem - we also use logic.
When we try and stop an auto,
we say no, that is going in the opposite direction.
We can’t stop that auto.
Mad or what?
He looks tired. No need.
And the worst part about
catching autos is that I hate doing this because
you have to judge the auto.
If it’s dark, 7 pm, 8 pm, 9pm
and you have to drop your girlfriend.
You have to judge the auto driver. The first auto driver.
He looks like a murderer.
He looks like a rapist.
No need. Bye bye.
He looks very weak. Malnutritioned. Come here, sir. Come here.
He won’t do anything!
It’s sad. You have to do that.
And the most amazing thing guys think they do…
Hey baby,
once you reach home,
send me a text.
What good that does, I have no idea.
Because in case your auto explodes, I will get a sms.
It makes no sense.
So much... no, you have to send it otherwise...
Also, one thing, guys don’t know how to say sorry.
They don’t.
Who’s in a relationship? Give me...
How would you say sorry to your girlfriend?
Sorry.
Yes, exactly! That’s what I say.
See, that’s the problem.
You don’t just say, I’m sorry.
Have you noticed,
guys have this ego and they don’t apologise a lot.
But women apologise a lot. Have you noticed?
I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing.
But it’s very clever.
What they do, they have bank where they collect a lot of sorrys.
But, they say sorry for stupid shit that doesn’t matter.
Oh my God, I know you asked for apple but there’s a banana.
Is that okay?
I’m so sorry.
And you are like, that’s fine.
I’m just slightly hungry.
Okay. Ting.
Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m five minutes late.
Is that okay?
Yes. That’s fine.
You don’t have to apologise.
Okay. Ting.
And then you screw up.
Baby...
Wow! So many casualties.
I went through this.
She had this big jar.
Wow! I never got such a big applause for that.
Peace off, guys. Don’t worry.
It’s going to get better.
And then, we say, ‘I’m sorry’.
And she's like...
Just like that.
Sorry. No.
What you have to do is make it dramatic.
You have to say sorry
but just like being... like Channing Tatum types.
Just like.
Bad acting but...
You screw up.
You go up to her and be like...
Just talk about normal stuff.
This morning I took the bus.
It was pretty crowded.
The weather’s been kind of... yeah,
it’s been kind of cold.
By the way what happened yesterday, I just want to say that
I’ll never talk to you that way again.
And... stop mid sentence.
And walk away.
And then, stop.
Hopefully, if it’s raining, it will be great.
I just want to say, ‘I’m sorry.’
And get your small cute cousin... Just pay Rs.150/-
and make the cousin come up to your girlfriend and say
‘Who was he?’
He was my love.
That’s the way. That’s the way we say sorry.
A lot of effort, I know. But it works.