- The reality is, that step-families
face all the challenges of a traditional family,
along with some specific unique dynamics.
Some people think that because I'm married to a therapist,
everything's rainbows, and flowers, and unicorns.
The reality is, we face the same challenges
that everyone else does.
And we have to deal with those challenges
in our own unique way.
So this is, Being Married to a Therapist.
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Hi, I'm Alicia Decker, co-founder of Mended Light.
This channel is all about healing
so you can feel safe, whole, and worthy of love.
Please join us and remember to subscribe,
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When it comes to step-families,
I speak from a place of experience
as part of multiple step-families,
each one with their own challenges, and also blessings.
My parents divorced when my siblings and I were all adults,
each remarrying in the subsequent years.
I married my husband after previously being married,
and together we co-parent my oldest son
with my former spouse.
And my husband's mother passed away before we met.
And my father-in-law, being a widow, had remarried.
So we are blending families all over the place here.
The idea of the seven stages of step-family development
comes from the book "Stepmonster."
To dive in deep about everything that covers,
you can go check out that book.
We are going to talk about some of the solutions
that are gonna help us through these stages,
and learn to blend in a healthy and happy way.
Depending on the circumstances of blending a family,
there may be a process of mourning or grief.
Whether you experienced a death of a partner or a divorce,
make sure you're emotionally stable
before entering a new relationship.
Rebounding after divorce or death
makes for a shaky foundation.
Be okay to be on your own.
If you are desperate to be with someone,
or drowning in a sea of loneliness,
you will grab onto any slimy piece of driftwood
that comes floating by.
Be the partner to yourself
that you are looking for in someone else.
Besides your own mourning process,
be aware of the needs of other members of the family.
Don't rush the healing process,
or hurry family members to act like everything's okay.
Pushing them to embrace a new lifestyle
and new family members,
may lead them to do just the opposite.
Allow as much time as necessary
for the transition to happen naturally.
Of course, disrespectful behavior
does not ever need to be tolerated.
Don't expect step-siblings,
or the kids and step-parents,
to automatically love each other or be very close.
They need stability.
Don't worry if they love you back,
or even if you feel love for them yet.
Show love by being supportive
and by strengthening relationships.
Recognize that as you start to blend two families,
each family has their own tradition, culture,
and way of doing things.
There will need to be a place of compromise
and understanding to come together,
and to decide what things look like as a blended family.
There will also be a need to keep previous family traditions
and just let it be the original family's tradition.
Growing up, my family had the tradition
of having shrimp tacos for our traditional Christmas dinner.
The reason why, is we love to go
to my uncle's beach house in Mexico for Thanksgiving,
and of course, eat all the shrimp tacos we could handle
while we were there.
So naturally in December, we would be missing Mexico
and decided shrimp tacos would be a great Christmas dinner.
This is a tradition my siblings and I still do,
and my parents' spouses join in on and enjoy
instead of a traditional Christmas dinner.
On the other hand, there will be traditions
that may just be the family of origin.
My husband, his siblings, and my father-in-law
celebrate their mom's birthday each year
by visiting her grave, celebrating her life,
and talking about their favorite memories of her.
This is a special time for just the Decker originals
to get together and to bond.
There is a way to support the original family
and their unique needs,
but also create fun new traditions with the blended family.
Step-families can be just as loving and healthy
as any other family.
It's healthy for each family
to retain some of their traditions,
and to spend time with just each other once in a while.
Let the kids decide whether or not to use step-labels.
If there are children still living at home,
let the child decide how the new parent in their life
will be addressed.
There are a few things
a child will have direct control over
when it comes to divorce or remarriage,
but this is something that can be completely their decision.
Let the child decide to use the title
mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, or a first name.
The focus is to best support the children.
Let me share what this has looked like in my own life.
My oldest son, Tyler, was three when I remarried.
His dad, my former husband,
has always been a very active part of his life.
When I married my now husband, Jonathan,
he often goes by Johno.
My three-year-old chose to call him Johno.
Not because he didn't like his stepdad,
or because there was a rift,
he was and still is a very logical and literal child.
He had a dad, why would he call two people dad?
While I was pregnant with my first child with Jonathan,
we had another conversation with Tyler
where Jonathan told Tyler that he loved him very much
and he cared about him,
just as much as he would his own biological children,
but that there was going to be a new baby in the home soon,
and that baby was going to grow up and call him dad.
And Jonathan told Tyler he wanted to be sure
that Tyler knew that he loved and cared about him.
And if Tyler ever wanted to call him dad, that was okay.
Tyler, who is now at the ripe old age of four,
had something very profound to say.
He said, "I just want my dad to be my dad,
"and I want my Johno to be my Johno."
In other words, he wants the adults in his life
to love and care about him,
but he doesn't want to call anyone else his dad.
He knew what being supported in this circumstance
looked like for him,
and it was okay for him to express it
and for us to meet his needs that way.
Conversely, I have a brother who married his wife
and she had two children from a previous marriage.
They did not have a supportive father
that was actively engaged in their life.
I think before they even got married,
the kids started calling him dad.
My brother was later able to legally adopt them
and everything was official.
But what they needed was a loving engaged father
who would support them emotionally and financially.
In this dynamic of blending a family,
it is about how to best meet the child's needs
to be heard, supported, and understood.
What about rules and expectations?
You guys are going to have to define
new house rules together, preferably in a family meeting.
Rules from the first marriage family
are often revised or dropped from the remarried family,
which leads to confusion and feelings of instability.
Decide together what rules to keep, drop,
and changes that need to be made
to help unify the blended families.
When it comes to enforcing rules,
the biological parent should be the primary disciplinarian,
at least in the beginning.
The step-parent often has their work cut out for them
trying to gain the acceptance of the children.
Expecting him or her
to be their primary enforcer of consequences,
will increase the children's resentment.
The biological parent must step up to the plate
and the children should be made to understand
that the step-parent has the authority
because they've been deputized by mom or dad.
In biological mother-stepfather families,
this tends to be less of a concern
as children are often used to their mother
doing more of the parenting.
And biological father-stepmother families,
the father often expects, sometimes subconsciously,
that the stepmother will step up
to be more of a disciplinarian.
The kids may resent her and see her as an evil stepmother.
Biological parents need to take the lead with discipline.
Whether you are part of a step-family from death or divorce,
each one has its own unique needs.
Every person and circumstance is different.
And while it's impossible to cover everything,
we went over all the general principles
we have found helpful in our life
and in the lives of our clients.
If you found this video helpful, will you do me a favor?
Share it with someone who could use the support
to create their own successful step-family.
Remember to like, subscribe, and click the bell.
What are some challenges
that you've experienced in your step-family?
Or what are some of the blessings and strengths
that you have seen from blending your families?
Please share below, and remember to keep shining,
we need your light.
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