I went to Nigeria and all I have to show for it
is this clip of me flexing 30,000 Naira on the balcony of our apartment
Hey Youtube world, it's me Evelyn.
In February I went to Lagos, Nigeria for the 3rd time.
The fact that I'm working, busy, and very sleep deprived
has never stopped a dude from saying whatever he wanted to me.
Admittedly the concept of flirting, the concept of joking, hell the concept of personal space
is different from country to country,
even region to region within a country. I know.
It's something you can only learn from experience.
And I've had a handful of experiences in Nigeria.
Everything from an immigrant official holding my passport hostage until I gave him my phone number.
A guy who actually made me his girlfriend, like he didn't ask.
I don't remember ever being asked.
And remembering that wedding rings aren't a thing everywhere.
But there's this one instance that I will never forget
because it's so bizarre, it was so uncalled for,
[kenyan accent] it was so disgusting,
that I just have to share it, okay?
Okay, so I go to Nigeria every year for Social Media Week Lagos.
So all week long we're running around trying to get this international conference to happen.
We're sleep deprived and frustrated.
For me, I'm trying to figure out where can I run away and sleep,
where can I run away and cry a little bit.
It's just a hectic experience.
And after the conference is over every day, there's a happy hour outside.
Look at the beach, enjoy some beverages.
So one day after the conference, I was doing just that.
Actually, here's a clip of the beach. I was relaxing and minding my own business,
taking a video clip of the beach.
Look at how peaceful that is! But do I sound peaceful in my voice?!
NO.
Why? Because somebody came and talked to me.
[whoosh]
You know when you see somebody in your peripheral vision and y'all catch eyes,
and you're like [lip smack] I didn't mean to catch eyes, man.
He said "Hi, I'm so-and-so".
I said whatever, hi, I'm Evelyn.
Of course this is a conference, so he gives me the spiel about what he does.
He works with kids, nonprofit this, help the youth that.
Okay.
Then he asks the question that every dude asks, and it's so creepy:
"Hey, where are you staying?"
Luckily for me, I have no idea where I'm staying because I have no concept of geography where I am.
Is that the safest thing to do when you travel? No.
But in these instances, I can truly and honestly say no, I don't know where I stay. And?
[lip smack]
So he said "oh, okay, well you know, I stay across the street,
so you wanna [head nod]?"
[kenyan accent] Do I want to what??
So out of the blue, that I just ignored him. I was like,
"Hah! Anyway, uhm, so yeah you work with children, you said?"
"Nonprofit helping the youth. Did you say you work in a church? What?"
Then he wanted to exchange phone numbers.
Luckily for me I have no phone number.
Now is that the safest thing to do when you travel? Not have contact information?
NO.
But in this instance, YES.
It's important to know that I'm not really even making eye contact with this guy
the entire time he's talking to me.
I'm focused on the Atlantic Ocean, which is what I came here to see.
But what he says next still baffles me to this day.
"How many letters are there in Social Media Week?"
Then he proceeded to count.
[whispering] "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
Apparently there are 16 letters in Social Media Week. So what?
"Those 16 letters are the 16 children you will have for me."
...
Huh.
[nigerian accent] Is that so?
Then he gives a little chuckle, "hahahaha"
I'm not laughing.
Then he says, because through our conversation he's learned that I'm Kenyan,
He says, "I hear Kenyan women can do that."
...
Whaaaaaaat?
Then he continues as if I haven't gotten the point already.
"I hear Kenyan women are strong,
so you'll have 16 kids for me, it shouldn't be a problem right?"
...
Actually, I think I snap chatted my face after that encounter.
[ambient chatter]
I'm still [kenyan accent] just bewildered. So confused.
I really wanna know has that ever worked for him?
Interestingly enough, my problem is not necessarily that he said I would have his babies.
16 of them though?!
16, pew pew pew pew, back to back to ba-
Until I'm 50!
[vomit noises]
To be honest, I don't even know how that conversation ended.
Talking 'bout "okay we'll keep in touch".
[nigerian accent] Was that supposed to be romantic? Oh my god.
Anyway, in the comments below tell me the weirdest pickup lines you ever heard.
It's rough out here, girl.
See you on the Internet somewhere.
BYE!