- Caitlyn, this really isn't necessary.
- I insist, babe.
- This is a little weird.
- I barely get to see you anymore.
Ever since you started dating that Blue California--
- Who?
- You've been so busy, I miss our quality time.
- Okay, but bedtime stories?
- Absolutely, babe.
There's no better way to bond.
- We could've watched a movie or play some--
- Fairytales, let's do it!
- I don't know why she wants to read me a bedtime
story but--
- [Interviewer] Wait, can you state your name for the
camera?
- What do you mean? I'm Rob.
- [Interviewer] Bob, what's your relation to the sisters?
- It's Rob, everyone knows who I am.
- [Interviewer] Are you a family friend?
- (Beep) You.
- Okay so I'm doing this from memory so bare with me.
Our first story will be--
- You're doing more than one?
- The tale of the three little pigs.
- I can't believe mom is kicking us out.
- Oh my God, I know, she's such a hog.
- Now we have to, like, build our own houses.
- Ew.
- I'm going to build my house with brick.
- Kim, are you serious?
- What?
- That's stupid.
- The wolf is going to turn you into ground beef.
- We're pigs.
- I don't know why my sisters are getting on my case
about my house.
I think brick is the best option.
Well, what are you guys building your houses with?
- Straw.
- Sticks.
- Your houses are going to get destroyed by the wolf.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Yeah, the wolf isn't coming anywhere near our houses.
- Fine, don't come running to my brick house when it
kills you.
- Not only is Kim's house going to take forever to build,
she's making a huge mistake.
- There's literally no way the wolf is getting into
my house.
- Little pig, little pig, let me come in.
- No, not by the cheeks of my big, big ass.
- Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your
house down, babe.
- Wait, what about my sisters?
- What about them?
- Did you eat them?
- No, I couldn't get near their houses.
- What the (beep)?
Their houses are literally horrible.
- I'm allergic to straw and sticks.
- Well, whatever, this house is made of bricks
so you can't blow it down.
- Sure I can, babe.
- What's going on?
- Take her down, boys.
- And the wolf had a nice ham sandwich.
- I don't think that's how the original story goes.
- The next story I'm going to tell you is a classic,
babe, the little red riding hood.
- Little red riding hood, your grandmother is very sick.
- So? I barely know her.
- Now, little red, that's no way to talk about family.
- You called her a greedy bitch the other night.
- Well, that's because she is, dear.
- Exactly.
- But I want you to be a good little girl and go visit her.
She's quite ill.
- Okay, but do I have to wear red?
- Yes. - Why?
- Because that's your name.
- No it's not, it's just what you call me because
the stupid hood.
- I'm not changing your name, stop asking me to change
your name, I've already told the whole village.
- But she lives out in the woods, it's like, dangerous.
- That's not my problem.
- So I was on my way to my grandmother's house when
all of a sudden the big bad wolf came out of nowhere.
- Hello, little red riding hood.
- Hey.
- So, what are you doing out here in the woods?
- I'm going to see my grandmother, bring her some tequila.
- Oh? Where does your grandmother live?
- Down this path, around the big oak tree,
and next to the nut bushes.
- I see.
Bye!
- Hmm.
- After my conversation with little red riding hood,
I rushed to her grandmother's house and ate her.
- Grandma, you look like (beep).
- Menopause hasn't been kind to me.
- I brought you some tequila.
- I love tequila!
That's exactly what I need.
- Are you the big bad wolf?
- No, no I'm--
- I know it's you.
- How?
- Because you look like a (beep) wolf.
- Oh.
- Don't worry, little red riding hood,
I'll save you.
(dramatic music)
Oh (beep).
- And they lived happily ever after.
- But she died!
- This next one is a personal favorite, Hansel and Gretel.
- Oh my God, I can't believe our step-mother left us
out in the middle of nowhere.
- Oh my God, I know.
At least I told you to leave a trail of breadcrumbs
so we wouldn't get lost.
- Oh, I ate it.
- What?
- I ate the loaf of bread.
- Why would you do that?
- I don't know why she's attacking me.
She handed me bread and said, "Here, this is for our
"safety."
Of course I ate it.
- Gretel, you dumb bitch, now we're going to die.
- Look, all we need I food, water, and fire.
- Where are we going to get that?
- There's a candy house right there.
- Oh my God, yes, let's eat it.
- Ew, no!
There's bird shit on it.
- Then what else are we going to eat?
- I don't know, but that old lady looks weird.
- Hello, is that children I hear?
- Yeah. - I'm 12.
- Wait, you can't see us?
- No, but you two sound delicious.
- What the hell? We're not food.
- Everyone says I'm delicious.
- I'm having some trouble, children.
Can you come see if my oven is hot by crawling
inside of it?
- Why the (beep) would we do that?
- Don't you want to help the elder--
- No.
- Please?
- I'm out. - Yeah.
- You're not going anywhere.
(evil cackling)
- They were both killed immediately.
- I thought they were supposed to trick her and escape.
- There's a lesson to be learned here, babe.
- Don't talk to strangers?
- No, don't eat bread.
Our last story is a tale as old as time.
- Oh, I love beauty and the beast.
- Cinderella.
- I can't wait to go to the ball.
- Yeah, it's going to be so much fun.
- Um, step sisters?
- Don't be (beep) rude, we're in the middle of a
conversation.
- Why would you just interrupt us like that?
- I'm sorry.
- Go dump my (beep) in the streets or something,
you're annoying me.
- But I have a question.
- The answer is no.
- But you haven't heard it yet.
- Oh my God, mom!
- Yes, dear?
- Cinderella won't shut up.
- Cinderella, why are you bothering the daughters
I actually care about?
- I just wanted to know if I could go to the ball, too?
- No.
- But the invitation said everyone in the household
was invited.
- It said everyone but Cinderella.
- That's not--
- You don't even have a gown.
- Maybe you guys can help me make o--
- No.
- Fine, then my mice will help me.
- I killed them with rat poison.
You're not going to the ball.
Now go to your room.
- Bitch.
- Are you my fairy godmother?
- I am.
- You're going to help me go to the ball?
- That's right, close your eyes.
Bippity, boppity, boo, babe.
Open your eyes.
- I'm still wearing my maid's dress.
- That's because you're perfect just the way you are.
- I can't go to the ball looking like a peasant.
They wouldn't even let me past the gates like this.
- Don't go there.
- Can I at least have a fancy carriage to travel in?
- The exercise will be good for you.
See you there, babe.
We did it, did it, did it, did it, did it.
- Okay.
- Did it.
- It echoes, I get it.
- Did it, did it.
- Please stop.
(upbeat music)
- Hey sweetie?
- What, Root?
- I've been thinking about the crazy stuff you went through
and I wrote a monologue about it.
- Now's not a good time.
- I don't remember--