-I love when you come on the show. Thank you so much.
You know I'm a giant fan of yours.
-You're such a nice guy. -Really?
-Isn't he a nice guy? -No, but I do love you.
You know that. -I love you too, man.
I love you with all my heart. I love you more.
Give me a kiss. -Give me a kiss, man.
-No! -No, don't do that.
Sorry, we took it too far. -Little too far on that one.
Good seeing you, though. We had some fun.
-No, we're not done with the interview. We just started.
-Oh, we're not done? Okay. -We just started.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-I do want to give a couple quick plugs.
You're gonna be doing stand-up at Caroline's Comedy Club.
-When is that gonna be? -That is this weekend.
-Okay. -So the weekend --
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I'm assuming.
Are you doing Sunday, as well? -No.
-Okay, so half the weekend.
-Let me recap that for you correctly.
It's gonna be Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
-Ftt! That's it.
So, if you go to Caroline's this weekend,
which, by weekend, I mean Thursday.
-Thursday.
-You'll be there Thursday. -I'll be there.
-Starting the weekend early.
Thursday's the new Friday.
Friday's the new Saturday.
And Saturday is the Lord's day.
And that's when we will not see you on Sunday.
We'll see you Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
-You're such a nice guy. -"Man with a Plan,"
Matt LeBlanc.
Love that dude. -LeBlanc.
-Matt le Bleu. -Ma-la-bluh.
-Mal-a-blue. -Ma-le-bla.
-Mal-a-blue. -Malibu, California.
-Malibu, California.
[ Laughter ]
Just got picked up for a second season.
-Is that right? Okay. So, Caroline's this weekend.
Second season, "Man with a Plan."
-Yeah, but "Man with a Plan" is on Mondays.
You know, so you've got Tuesday and Wednesday
to do whatever you want.
Then Thursday, go see Kevin.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you gear up for Monday.
-You've got my schedule down.
-You're such a nice guy, man.
-You know, you're a nice guy.
You're a nicer guy than me.
I'm a nice guy, but you're nicer.
-Yeah, I try, man. -Yeah.
-You set the bar, though. -That is true.
-Did you pass the bar?
-I pass the bar every night. -You do? Oh.
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes I stop in there. -You do?
-But most of the time, I pass it.
-Yeah. Yeah. You don't go to the bar.
Not a big drinker.
But are you excited about the holidays coming up?
Christmas? -Yeah, Christmas holiday.
Yeah. That's going to be a good one.
A friend of mine -- you got a minute?
-Yeah. -A friend of mine says --
he says, "Christmas will be here before you know it."
I said, "No, I have a calendar. I'm keeping track of the days.
I know exactly what's going on."
-I know what's going on.
-You know people say that.
Like we're not paying attention.
-Christmas will be here before you know it.
-Or they say, "You'll be home before you know it."
Really? [ Laughter ]
You shouldn't be driving
if you're going to be home before you know it.
All right? I mean, what do you get home,
"Geez, where the hell am I?
Okay, now I know where I am." -Yeah. I'm home. Yeah.
I was home before I knew it.
-it seems that way that people don't think you get it.
Even when you're, like, texting somebody.
People text you. They'll put an emoji after,
"Hey, had a good day today." Then they'll put a happy face.
You know, like, recapping what I just said.
In case you didn't understand English,
I'm going to put that little happy face there.
We don't say that in regular life when we're talking
to people in conversation.
"You know, I had a good time at your place last night."
[ Laughter ]
"You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying."
[ Laughter ]
"But your brother was crazy."
[ Laughter ]
It's funny, you know, everybody's in a hurry.
Nobody wants to spend time and have a conversation.
It's like when somebody says, "Long story short,"
they always leave out the most important things.
Like, you know, my cousin was coming --
he came down from Seattle this past week.
He was staying on our couch. Anyway, long story short,
we carried his body out to the boat on Friday.
[ Laughter ] "What? What happened?"
Back up a little bit. Back up.
-You carried his body out to the boat.
-You're such a nice guy. You're a nice guy.
[ Laughter ]
-I love that bit.
-No, that's not a bit. -No, it's real.
-That's real. That is real. -I'm sorry.
You got to watch "Dateline" coming up.
It's an episode of "Dateline."
-Help me again with your last name.
-Fallon. -Fallon. Fallon.
-[ Irish accent ] It's Irish.
Nealon's Irish.
-[ Irish accent ] It's Irish, lad.
-Kevin, lad.
-[ Normal voice ] I'm from a little town
in Ireland called, believe it or not,
Feakle. [ Laughter ]
I swear to God. It's called Feakle.
[ Laughter ]
But it's spelled differently than the one you're thinking of.
But it smells the same.
-[ Normal voice ] No, no. How do you know?
You don't know. Have you been there?
-Yeah. -Have you been there?
-Yeah, I've been there. -No, no, no.
-I swear to it. -Do you know, really,
that you're -- are you 100% Irish?
-I am 89.999% Irish.
I had my DNA done. -For real?
Did you do that? -23andMe, it's called.
-Like an Ancestry thing?
-I thought it was a dating site at first.
[ Laughter ] I did.
-Kevin, no. -I didn't know.
-Kevin, no. It's not a dating site.
-No, it's not. -23andMe.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God. -You're a nice guy.
-Oh, my God. -But they send you
this little kit. It's $90,
and it comes with a little test tube,
you put your saliva in there and you seal it up
and you send it back, and they tell you
your whole lineage and your DNA. -I've heard about this.
-Yeah, so I sent away for it. I'm walking out to the mailbox
to get it and I noticed
that somebody had spit on my car windshield.
I was furious. You know how I get.
I thought, "Who would spit on my car windshield?"
And then I realized for $90,
I could find out who spit on my car windshield.
[ Laughter ]
-Did you do it? -So I did it.
-You did it?! -So I scooped it up,
put it into that little test tube.
I seal it up, I sent it in. They sent me back
the information I was looking for.
Turns out it was bird crap. -Yeah.
-Somebody had spit bird crap on my windshield.
[ Laughter ]
-They spit bird crap.
-They spit bird crap. -Unbelievable.
-This company's so good,
they told you exactly where that bird crap came from.
It originated, Jimmy, from a seagull
from Northern California that migrated south.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my goodness.
I'm glad you got to the bottom of it.
Kevin Nealon, everybody!