Translator: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Mile Živković
Are we ready to have some fun with this?
(Audience) Yes!
Difficult people, that's a new idea,
but maybe we start with the basic.
If I were to ask you a basic question -
Who in here talks to yourself?
Excellent.
So, if you did not just raise your hand,
you're probably in your head going, "I don't know. Do I talk to myself?"
Work all that out. (Laughter)
The much more telling question with reference to difficult people is,
"Who in here has ever said: 'Oh, there they are! Difficult person!'"
(Laughter)
Oh -
You see, this is a significant issue,
and perhaps the training industry of which I've been a part for the last 25 years
has helped us do a dire disservice to this label of "difficult"
because, if you conducted an internet search under "difficult people training",
you'd find no less than 18 million entries
on how to deal with these difficult people!
Even as the author of the book "Make Difficult People Disappear",
I will tell you frankly that's not the two topics we're looking for.
(Laughter)
We'd rather the behavior go away,
but the challenge is we're not real sure what it means.
So, what does difficult mean anyway?
Well, does it mean we're rude, or attitude-riddled?
Anybody ever been rude?
(Laughter)
Glad we're all in this together.
Does it mean poor or confusing driving behavior?
Haven't we all cut somebody off?
Or we don't look in the rearview mirror as if to say, 'Sorry!"?
Sure!
The greater challenge is, it's not just one behavior or another,
it's not just one action or another;
it's a collection of things that we probably could call "different."
Because someone drives differently than we do, suddenly they're difficult.
Because someone says something differently than we would,
suddenly they're difficult.
But check this out:
there is no dealing- with-different-people training.
It's just not sexy.
(Laughter)
The question is: when did different become so difficult?
Why don't we look up "how to deal with differences"?
Why don't we go to the internet, the source of all wisdom,
and seek out "dealing with different people"?
No, it's easier to stay safe and to label them as different,
and keep our distance.
And here's how sometimes it works.
We go to the office.
We do things in a way other people don't understand.
We may have a boss that, frankly, doesn't get us.
That's OK. We may not get him, or her.
We don't get why they do what they do, we don't get what they say or do,
we don't understand their directions,
we don't understand how they function,
and so we stamp them: "Difficult."
Well, if you're the employee in this case, then the boss takes that information,
makes the assumption that, because you're difficult,
that means you'll never be a high performer,
which is a cousin to you now being labeled... a problem;
which then means the same boss is likely going to think
the appropriate next step is that he or she should invite you
to grow elsewhere.
(Laughter)
You start equating difficult and different,
you might find yourself in a new career.
But where does this all come from?
Where does it start that we begin thinking different and difficult go together?
For most of us, it's what we were taught when we were little.
Maybe you read the book, when you were a kid, entitled "Are You My Mother?"
And, in the best of intentions,
those mothers, and fathers, and loved ones,
what they did, instead, was share with us their labels
so that we would be protected from people who are different,
which might be risky and dangerous.
So, I think, instead, it's much more true and plausible
that we all read this version:
"Are You My Difficult Person?"
(Laughter)
And, if this is the book, if this is the book that we read,
here's how it shows up as an adult.
You might travel by airplane for professional or personal purposes,
and you go to the airport and you, even as a Delta frequent flyer,
decide you will not endure what's called the "porn scanner."
(Laughter)
So, you walk through the security line
in which they will then give you the privilege of a thorough pat-down,
probably a reasonably evil look
and the immediate label that you are a difficult passenger!
Does anybody say, "Oh, well, you just clearly have a different preference
on how you like to be screened in security."
No.
They call you difficult.
If you call customer service in this country or any other -
(Laughter)
You're a customer,
you've punched all seven or eight or ten numbers
to get through whatever department you're looking for.
You get to a live person.
And then, that person tells you it's at the wrong department,
and then, they transfer you to three more fabulous live people,
the final one of which asks you again to verify
all that information you punched in in the beginning.
(Laughter)
And they wonder why you're frustrated
and maybe even express your own method of stress-coping mechanisms.
(Laughter)
Does anybody say, "Oh, you just have a different way of expressing stress"?
No!
They call you a difficult customer.
(Laughter)
If you violate what your mama taught you and you go talk to some stranger,
last week, this one or in the recent election cycle,
and you start talking about your preference of certain political candidate,
or your view, or your likes, dislikes, beliefs or voting preference,
are you going to be called someone who merely has an opinion that's different?
(Laughter)
No!
You will likely receive tremendous amounts
of vitriol and aggressive conversion tactics.
(Laughter)
Now, I have to ask you: if it's really this simple,
is it because we express a different preference?
Is it because we express a different opinion?
Is it because we manage our stress differently
that we're then considered difficult?
I think it is that simple, and if that's the case,
then the real news flash is this:
we're all difficult people.
The problem I find with that is: when did that happen?
And the bigger issue I will tell you that's behind that
is, most of the time, the projection of protection behaviors
is because, in truth, we're afraid to be vulnerable.
We're afraid to have a conversation that's real and meaningful.
We're afraid to express a difference of opinion
because that might make us, yeah, different.
And, most of the time, we don't want to stand out.
We want to fit in.
So, isn't this, at some level, all we are afraid of?
And, in truth, let's face it:
yeah, vulnerability, it's kind of scary!
This is why we walk around talking about benign, unimportant things,
"How's the weather?"
(Laughter)
Or, if you are from the south, "How's your mama?"
(Laughter)
Vulnerability is scary!
Now, I must also tell you: I am not a Harvard researcher.
I am simply an MBA who owns a training business
and has the privilege of serving in the capacity of executive coach,
using an emotional intelligence assessment.
With that come the experience and realization,
through thousands of clients,
that you've got a lot of people covering up their vulnerability,
but "a lot" is rather an unspecific number.
So, let's put some specifics behind it.
Out of 3,000 assessments in our office,
only 4% said, "No, I am not covering up any of my vulnerability or authenticity.
I am real and genuine and I don't cover up anything."
Because we're encouraged to cover stuff up in this country.
When someone says, "How are you?," we do not say, "Life sucks!"
(Laughter)
We say, "Im great!"
(Laughter)
Now, what that means is, out of 3,000 people, only 4% are saying,
"Yeah, I would tell you things are not so hot."
So, only a 120 out of 3,000 are being honest?
That scares me,
and that's not just personally, that's not just professionally.
Folks, that's globally.
So, let's dig deeper.
Out of 120 people, what are they doing
that others aren't?
What are the ones that are covering up stuff doing to express their fear?
Think back to when you were afraid.
What did you do when you felt fear?
Chances are... one of these things.
Maybe, to some degree, less or more, you softened it, you hid it,
you couched it in a way that one might consider professional,
or maybe you just said, "Oh my Gosh, I'm frightened!,"
and you started barking orders and being a bully,
or maybe you even cried a little.
These look a lot like difficult people behaviors to me.
And maybe I'd tell them myself as the safest example.
You heard her mention in the introduction
I have at times been called a difficult person.
One does not write a book called "Make Difficult People Disappear"
if one has no credibility.
(Laughter)
Yet, what I can tell you, for the very first time from stage,
is that I also walk around with a pretty deep-seated vulnerable fear,
because of the way I grew up,
that, at any given time, in any given group of people,
in any given situation,
I might not be special enough to fit in
and, given I was the child sitting outside the window,
looking in on the family on most occasions,
my very presence is felt like an inconvenience.
So, what do I do as a result?
Ooh, I can be condescending, I can be rude, I can be short,
I'm going to attack you before I get the impression or give you the chance
to attack me or tell me I don't fit in.
That way, when you're being critical of my behavior,
you're not being critical of me;
you're being critical of who I'm pretending to be.
But maybe it is just me.
Maybe all of you fall into that 4% category.
Maybe you don't walk around faking your vulnerability.
Perhaps I should check on a couple of things.
Has anyone in here ever faked anything?
(Laughter)
The laughter suggests perhaps we're not only talking about behaviors.
(Laughter)
So, let's dig deeper.
There's a chance you've also been called a difficult person,
but I want to test this theory.
Maybe, if we look at out of these behaviors,
you may have heard these things -
with a nod to Jeff Foxworthy for his style example:
if you've ever heard, "Oh, bless your heart,"
(Laughter)
you might be a difficult person.
(Laughter)
Not a term of endearment.
Or, on the other hand, if you've ever entered a hallway or entered an office
in which you know all the other people there,
and suddenly you hear a theme music in the background -
flying monkey music as you enter
(Laughter)
likely means you're a difficult person.
(Laughter)
Or if you heard from my neighbor the other day -
As I was out for an afternoon run,
he walking down the street, holding a towel -
an unexplainable moment, I must admit -
I watched him then walk up, use the towel to pick up a turtle
and save it from its perhaps dangerous destiny.
Yes, "Awww." (Laughter)
And as I jogged by, I said, "Hey, thanks for your efforts",
I hear his words, and I kid you not, "I'd rather save him than most people."
(Laughter)
If that's what you're hearing - or maybe one of us is this man's difficult person -
but this is a pretty significant problem,
and if we don't fix this quickly,
it's risky what we're teaching our future generations and our children
about embracing differences,
and about building connections and building relationships,
because I suspect, if I asked each of you this question,
"Would you rather be vulnerable or risk a potentially painful connection?
Would you rather be difficult or protect yourself from that risky connection?",
your answer would be, "Oh, difficult."
In a heartbeat.
Different and difficult,
yes, they can belong in the same conversation,
but they are not part of an equal equation.
And people are talking about this everywhere: TED Talks, books.
You've got topics being described and dug into about being vulnerable,
but talking about it is one thing;
what are we doing differently?
Maybe, when you go to work next,
you start focusing on how that coworker
isn't really your biggest pain in the neck and difficult,
or that boss,
and you start to see differences and ask about them.
It's like we changed the eye chart,
"I don't see difficult people. I see different ones."
Maybe you look at the bully -
now, this could be a lesson to teach your kids, little or big -
maybe you look at the bully that you are aghast
is losing her mind in this manner
and, while you admire her hair,
(Laughter)
you ask yourself,
"What's really there? What's the fear behind this behavior?"
Maybe you look at those who we call "stuck in analysis paralysis,"
that can't make a decision or they're wishy-washy,
and you say, "Gosh, I wonder what they're afraid of,
if they don't actually make the right decision."
And maybe you for yourself start an examination
of just how often do you divide the population
by coming up with this list of "shoulds,"
the way we think others should behave,
and, therefore, the ensuing number of assumptions we make
about whatever way they chose to behave,
followed by a whole slew of labels about what that means.
Maybe, instead of that,
we set all those aside for just a brief moment,
we wash those away and we find what I would call the sweet spot,
where we can actually practice vulnerable authenticity,
because, until we can do that, we're living in a world
with continued, greater, more difficult, more dangerous difficulty.
And, if that's the world in which we choose to live,
the much bigger issue, the much larger question, is:
what are we missing?
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheers)