our next guest certainly needs no protecting he's a very funny gentleman and he's making his debut
with us tonight he can be seen at the improv comedy club in miami florida march 4th through
the 6th ladies and gentlemen here's the very funny bill burr oh bill all right thank you it's nice to
be here i'm excited kind of feeling like a loser though lately you know i'm 36 years old i'm not
married you know i'm at that age where everybody knows getting married let me ask you a question
why the hell do people keep getting married you know isn't anybody looking at the stats
i mean what's it like one out of two marriages go right down the drain now people if you were going
skydiving and they told you half the parachutes weren't gonna open you'd be like yo forget it
i'm not going i don't like those odds i got a 50 chance of splatting on the ground i'm not doing it
but there's something about getting married people just have to do it right they're just like
is this the line to lose half my stuff awesome this is gonna be great i can't wait to lose my
car my money oh look the line's moving one step closer to my own personal health no married guys
crack me up too anytime you ask a married guy what's it like being married they always tell
you it's great but they always have a look on their face like they have like an appendicitis
you're like dude what's it like being married like you know it's good it's good it's uh
no no no it's great you know it's uh you know it's a good time you know i think when you meet
that special someone you feel a connection and i can't feel my legs it's good you should do it
i think i argue too much though you know with the girls i date you know
i dated this girl uh recently she was like really into like women's issues
so we used to argue all the time right one time she's she's like all right bill answer
me this question why did why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job right as
a female right i'ma go i'll tell you why because in the unlikely event that we're both on a titanic
and it starts to sink for some screwed up reason you get to leave with the kids and i have to stay
no that's why that's why i get the dollar more an hour
think about it anytime there's a house fire it's always women and children first i got
to stand there with like the back of my shirt on fire going let's go people let's go let's go
so that's how i look at it no it's a dollar an hour surcharge
yeah that is something crazy happens either i can't leave or i got to like get in the way of
it to give you a head start you know like rabid dog run honey one mississippi two mississippi
you hear a bump in the night i gotta go check it out like yes he does have a knife
see what i'm saying where are all those feminists in those situations
you can't find them they are no feminist in a house fire that's a guarantee
seriously you could take the most hardcore feminist some girl right in your face like
you show me this they kind of again a little short little haircut the whole nine yards right
second those flames break out she's going to twist
those little hairs into pigtails ooh i'm just a girl i want to go play jump rope
yeah she'll leave you standing in a burning house like you're not flammable
but i'm not a jerk though people i'm not saying i think a woman should make a dollar less an
hour to do the exact same job all i'm saying is you're going to make what i make when the
boat sinks you better be standing right there next to me listen to that guy play the cello
you know then you get to corner office
so anyways i love women though man i'm just you know i'm playing around you know i just
find i'm not compatible with them you know no they have like too much energy for me i guess
i noticed you can't have a day off when you have a girlfriend you have an artist
it's almost like they see that open day they're like oh my god let's go fill it up with stuff
no then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another
horrible ideas like you want to make some sandwiches and go to the park
you want to go to the container store get some containers for your t-shirts
yeah they're tell you the worst one you ever get this one you want to go to brunch you want to
go to brunch on sunday and inside you're like no but you can't say that you got to keep them happy
right so what do you do you agree you're like yeah let's go to brunch what a great idea why would you
want to sleep in on a sunday when you can go pay 18 for eggs now you're thinking then we can sit
around and listen to your friends have moronic conversations about the eggs like is that pesto
is that pesto in your omelette oh it's asparagus it's asparagus i thought it was pastel just want
to flip the whole table over all right i'm out of time you guys a lot of fun thanks so much