- How long should you wait before he commits, right?
You're dating.
How long should you wait and stick around
to see if he commits before you're just like, peace.
I'm out of here.
Mended Light.
(lively music)
I like this question, but I'm gonna tell you right out
of the gate, it's gonna be different for different people.
It's not exactly the question I'd be asking
in this situation.
The question I'd be asking in this situation
is what's keeping him from committing,
and is he gonna get over that
in the amount of time that you are willing to wait?
'Cause it's different for different people.
Some people would like a committed relationship now.
They would like to date somebody
and figure out fairly quickly
because I wanna be with somebody
and I want it to be committed s
and I want it to be exclusive.
So let's figure that out.
And those people would be best off dating someone
who is like-minded.
Others are happy to keep it casual
for a while or even a good long while
but the end goal is still a committed relationship.
That's why I can't answer how long you should wait
with any sort of, it should be two months,
it should be four months.
It's really up to you and what you're looking for.
But this question was asked
by somebody who's looking for a committed relationship.
How long should you wait?
Wait around to see if he commits.
What does commitment look like?
Marriage, engagement or exclusivity, right?
Not dating other people.
If it's not dating other people,
then you're early in your relationship ostensibly.
And the question to ask your partner
is are you looking to be in a committed relationship?
'Cause if they say no, just categorically,
I don't want a serious relationship
and you do want a serious relationship,
maybe go ahead and be done
'cause that's a pretty big values gap.
I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong.
What I am saying is you want different things
and your hope is that he wants to keep it casual.
You're gonna keep it casual long enough
that he's gonna see that he wants you
and he chooses you and he loves you and that's the hope.
(host chuckling)
But the fact is you have no guarantee of that.
In fact, he's explicitly told you,
"Here is who I am and what I'm about."
And I've heard this
and I 100% believe this to be true.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
If you're dealing with someone
who doesn't want a committed relationship
and you do and you really like them,
the chemistry is amazing and you're hoping they come around,
I'm not saying that won't happen or that couldn't happen,
I'm saying I wouldn't bet on it.
Contrary to what you see
in romantic movies, generally speaking,
people who end up in committed relationships
are people who want a committed relationship.
Now, they may not want it right now, right?
They may say, I'd like to be be casual
with you and see where it goes.
But the question is is it a life goal
of yours to have a committed relationship?
Let's start to split the hairs here.
I've got somebody who says
I don't want a committed relationship right now
but it could go in two directions.
Well, do you want one in the nearish future?
Like is that what you ultimately want?
And if they say yes and that's your goal, great.
Then you can stick around for a while
and see if this blossoms and if they say,
"Hey, you're someone I'd like to commit to."
But if they say categorically, "No, I'm like James Bond.
I just want casual hookups."
This is where pop culture really fails us.
Pop culture has taught us
that people who are ready to commit are boring
and that people who never ever want to commit,
they just need to meet the right person
and then they'll change and settle down.
Why does pop culture teach us this?
'Cause it's a great story.
In stories, we like to see characters start here
and end up here.
We like to see the dramatic change.
It's compelling, but in real life,
change doesn't happen like that.
At least not very often.
In real life, change happens more like this.
And then we go back a little bit
and then we might not end up all the way over here.
We might just go from here to here.
So how long do you wait around
if they categorically don't want a committed relationship
and you do?
And by categorically, I mean medium to long term,
they don't want that.
My opinion, there's no reason to stick around.
You could date them
for a long time hoping that they'll change.
My experience is dating someone hoping
that they'll change leads to disappointment
and leads to resentment and anger.
We don't date people so they can change us.
We date people so they can accept us.
True, we learn and grow
in our relationships and become better for one another,
better versions of ourselves.
But we're still ourselves.
If you're dating someone
and your thought is you'd be perfect for me
if I could just change this and this and this and this,
you're probably dating the wrong person for you.
How long do you wait
if someone says, "I'd like to see where this goes
and I'd like to be casual,
just start casual and take it easy."
I'd say give it three months to start and then reassess.
Here's why.
Research shows that people don't really show you
who they are for at least 90 days.
And that's if they're not actively trying to deceive you.
I'm just talking about like decent people, you know,
we just put our best foot forward.
When you're dating, usually the house is clean
when your date comes over.
You're showered, you're shaved,
and you know they don't really see you
without makeup or without having trimmed your nose hairs.
When something bad happens,
you don't tend to lose your temper
when you're at the beginning stages of dating.
You're trying to show a better version of you, right?
We take at least 90 days before we start
to really let people in as a general rule.
So if they're saying, yeah, maybe we could be serious
but right now I just want to take it casual
and take it easy, that's great.
I think that's perfect.
I think if you're both saying,
I wanna find somebody serious right now,
you wanna be with someone seriously?
So do I, let's do this.
That's more about being in love
with the idea of being in love, like just rushing to commit.
Far better to be casual
and get to know somebody and transition into serious.
So take three months, take three months,
if they want it casual and you want it casual
or you want a committed relationship
but slow it down and be casual for three months.
You know, if you start dating exclusively before,
then more power to you.
But I certainly wouldn't commit
to marriage or anything like that.
There are exceptions to all of these principles by the way.
My sister met, dated, married a man all in three months.
It's like 25 years later, they're together.
They're very happy.
For every one of those,
I can give you a dozen that went really, really bad.
Give it three months and then reassess, okay,
we've been together for a while now.
I feel like I'm ready to take the next step.
I would like to be exclusive
or I'd like to be boyfriend, girlfriend
or I'd like to be girlfriend and girlfriend,
boyfriend, boyfriend, whatever it is.
And see what their response is.
The one thing you don't want to do is be like Pam
on "The Office" with Roy who doesn't wanna commit
because he knows you'll always be around.
Something Alicia has said to me before about just people
in relationships is, and this is something Alicia says
to me about people in relationships lines up
with "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," the movie.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
And so if someone isn't treating you the way you want
to be treated or somebody isn't committing to you,
why do you feel like you deserve this?
You may feel like if you let go of this relationship,
you're not gonna find anybody better for you.
And if you let go of this relationship,
you're gonna be alone for forever.
So you're holding onto it like a life preserver.
The truth is I don't like the phrase
there are plenty of fish in the sea
'cause it's so cliche by now
but there are a lot of people out there and you're bound
to some find somebody who wants what you want out of life
and out of a relationship.
And if the one you're currently in
isn't giving any indicators that is gonna change
or get better, it's okay for you to move on.
You're not the bad guy.
If you want to be in a healthy committed relationship,
find somebody who wants to be
in a healthy, committed relationship.
That's your step.
Now, what other questions would you like me
to answer in these Ask the Therapist segments?
Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoy this video, I invite you to check out
how long should I date before getting married?
And what experience do you have with this
what we just talked about
with waiting around for someone to commit?
What would you say is the right amount of time?
Do you disagree with anything I said?
Let me know why in the comments below
and what your experiences are and we like to learn from you
and we like our community to learn from one another.
So Light Menders, keep shining 'cause we need that light.
I'll see you next time.
(lively music)