- Good afternoon, Philip here.
Dressing sophisticated today
because we are going house hunting.
This is strangling me quite a lot,
so I'm making a sacrifice for the fashion.
Choke me, turtle daddy.
One of my subscribers, Susan,
has hypothetically won 100 million pounds
and she asked me on the phone.
She was like, "Philip, I need to spend all this cash
in the next 10 minutes or they'll take it away."
You've come to the right lad.
I love going on a right move
and snooping around people's houses.
It's like the Sims, but in real life.
So I'm happy to do it for you, Susan.
Will you be in London?
We could be neighbors.
I'll bring you some sugar.
Manchester, we might technically be neighbors.
I think my skin cells are still drifting
along those pavements, ugh.
Northern Ireland, Wales, Scotland.
I'm gonna rank each house, see what's out there,
choose something for Susan, and have a good time snooping
into these people's business.
All right, let's have a look at Scotland.
Minimum price 10 million pounds.
Oh, this is all land.
So you could truly do the Sims
and just build your own castle.
But I wanted to find you something.
What is that?
Oh, it's a government building.
Are we not allowed to snoop around inside?
What's going on in there?
All right, what's the first actual place?
Oh my god, it's a castle.
Yes, look at this!
It says POA, which means priced upon an application,
but it was between the five and the 6 million pound mark.
Is it even a garden if it doesn't have a thousand,
immaculately carved hedges?
I'm loving this topiary.
What's going on with that one though?
That is a kinky hedge.
Oh, gonna need a lot of friends.
(laughs)
This room has creepy school vibes.
I like the tartan aesthetic, cause we're in Scotland.
But those chairs do not look comfy on the old ass.
And why is everyone having dinner?
And then there's just lines of chairs watching you.
Like you've been put on the naughty step
or they just really like musical chairs.
Mate, you're gonna need a few more swords
above your fireplace.
It's got nice friendly grandma vibes though.
Like you're going for tea with the queen.
Oh, okay.
There is definitely a ghost in that fire place.
Maybe it's the ghost of grandma.
She's watching out the flames.
So many ghosts just staring down at you.
No, no, absolutely not.
This is like a scene from Knives Out.
I'm eyeing up the sword.
I feel like that's gonna be involved in the murder.
If you wanna do some work at that desk,
where are you gonna put your stuff?
We'd replace that with an oil painting of Yuzuru Hanyu.
Nice sunny kitchen, I enjoy that.
That's the first comfy sofa I've seen.
I think I'd definitely sit on that.
Casual cannons in case your enemies are after you,
like the Tinder Swindler.
Overall, I like this cause it's a castle.
We could modernize the inside a bit.
Maybe do an exorcism for the ghost.
I'm gonna give it a strong B.
All right, let's look at Manchester.
Beetham Tower,
that's where the most expensive apartments are.
Fun fact, the architect lives on the top floor
and he collects chairs.
I don't how I know this.
And he's got, I think, 200 different places
to sit down in his flat.
I dunno if they fixed it, but at one point
this building started whistling in the middle
of the night if there's strong winds.
So you might be in bed
and hear some whale song just going, woo.
(wind whistles)
It really sounds like aliens are literally
in the process of probing you.
I'm not sure how I deal with that
in the middle of the night.
Alien noise aside.
Ooh, that entrance is a choice.
I mean, I say, I say that entrance is a choice.
We literally do have a black wooden entrance.
I'm always scared I'll fall down a spiral staircase.
So they're not my favorite.
Three things I like about this.
You've got a comfy sofa, you've got a nice view,
but also your sofa is facing the TV.
It sometimes stresses me out in people's houses
when you've got two sofas facing each other.
But then the TV's just on the wall,
so then everyone has to do that.
Chandelier looks like it came from the inside of Dan's mind.
Is there two breakfast diners or is that a mirror?
I think there's two.
Is there like a, you can't sit with those table?
I don't like the colors,
but I do like the idea of having a breakfast nook.
Would you bath next to that window?
I mean, I think I would, but part of me feels
like Creepy Jimmy might be looking at you
with really high strength binoculars.
If he's gone to that effort, enjoy the show.
What do you put in that tube?
Maybe you've gotta be a specific height for it.
There's a lot of floor things happening in this bedroom.
I've never been on a cruise ship,
but I'm getting cruise ship vibes.
I don't know why.
It's just got boat energy.
See, portholes, furthering my boat-spiricy.
Oh, that's interesting.
I like they've got this massive desk
and then a little reject desk in the corner.
You can sit there, Timmy.
What is this?
What'd you do in there?
I think it's a wardrobe slash getting ready zone, maybe?
That is what I would call dancing space.
I don't like to dance,
so we're gonna have to put something there.
Pool table, air hockey, DDR machines, something.
Don't just have an empty zone.
I'm not loving this.
I don't think this is right for you, Susan.
I'm gonna give it a C.
Let's go to Wales.
I've been to Wales once.
I loved it.
Scenic, beautiful, green.
What've we got?
6.5 milli, Llanhenock.
Oh my god, look at those trees!
Forget the house.
That is so picturesque.
I feel like I'm having a visual Lucozade through my eyes.
I don't see enough trees in London.
The house looks pretty.
It looks like a setting of a period drama or something.
Oh, look at that.
Lap up that green with your eyeballs, right?
Don't let me down, what we got inside?
A creepy bird cage is the first thing I see.
Not getting good energy from that bird cage.
Ooh, we've got a video guys.
Oh, look at those at birds.
Do you reckon they hired them in?
Right, what else?
Oh my gosh, this is very opulent, isn't it?
I would not trust me
with a glass of Ribina on that carpet.
I mean, we've got a cream sofa, that's a hazard enough.
I feel like cream on cream on cream is gonna cause an issue.
Okay, here's the kitchen.
I wanna know what's behind that door.
Is that their fridge
or is it some kind of Roman Coliseum back there?
Ooh, hello.
We got a fun zone downstairs.
I'm enjoying this.
It shows you got a fun side to him.
Got your bar, you can have your friends
over for some themed cocktails,
play a bit of pool.
Ooh, we've gone back to sinister again.
What's going on in these hallways?
What meetings have happened in this cave?
All right, now they've got air hockey.
Okay, I trust these people.
I don't think they're harvesting stem cells.
Look that garden.
You got a whole mile walk to get to those sun lounges.
I wanna know what's going on in the Roman columns.
Based on location, I'm gonna give this a B,
decor I'm gonna give it my D, my D, (laughs) a D.
So overall we're evening out to a C.
All right, thanks, Wales.
All right, what was the most expensive place in London?
54.5 million.
How did they decide to add that extra 500,000 on?
They're like, "No, it's not 54.
We just need just an extra half million."
I'm assuming it's this.
Cause it's the middle of the photo.
Is it me or are those windows a bit off kilter?
I think it might be me.
You got your bus stop outside.
Hop on that, get into town with your horse.
All right, let's get inside.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
Where's the TV?
You've just gotta look at the other people.
I don't wanna look at people.
I wanna look at Netflix.
Are they Vivian Westwood lights?
Do I know something about a designer?
Maybe.
I don't love them.
Somebody's gonna open that door and trip over that horse.
That is not optimal horse placement.
Oh, you got a big pool, Susan.
It's underground though.
So, you can't lie out by the pool.
You gotta kind of just marinade down there
in your own sweat.
I mean, for that price
I feel like they could build a nuclear reactor
and just have their own little sun above the pool.
That's not a very inspiring picture.
I would've not put that in the gallery, guys.
You got an office,
you got a gym, statue of a guy doing a dab.
(laughs)
Just a completely empty room
where you can appreciate Sandra Bullock.
I'm assuming they want you to bring your own sofa in
and it's not some kind of experience.
Well look at her little face.
I love Sandra Bullock
A very zoomed in bed.
Thanks, can't see what's going on.
We got some beams, I like a rustic beam,
though I feel like spiders might live in those little slats.
I've never seen a bath like that.
That is like half a Kinder egg has been opened.
I fear that's gonna fall into the bath,
clock 'em on their head, and they'll die.
Maybe move that.
I don't think you should spend 54 million on that.
(upbeat music)
I think there's a better one.
I want it to like the Ex Machina house.
I don't want any of this old grandma-y vibe.
What's this one?
Striking.
Okay, it looks a bit more like an art gallery.
This is more up my alley.
The windows are all glass.
Why do I say that?
I like a tree just growing out in the middle of your house.
So they get points for that.
This is not the most expensive house in London
but it's a POA.
So I think we could put an offer in for you, 8 million.
I'm gonna give that an A minus.
Okay, if you like the London Eye, this is the house for you.
Oh my god. (laughs)
We don't know how much it costs
but I think it's in the 10 million pound bracket.
I feel like you're almost too close to the London Eye.
It's like, that's all you're gonna look at.
I mean, I think that could make me dizzy
if I'm looking at it all day.
Also, you're gonna have tourists with binoculars.
Don't the London fireworks go right there as well?
I'd be scared my sofa would set on fire.
(fireworks explode) (man screams)
Ah, I don't know about that.
It's like being right next to the Statue of Liberty's face.
I just feel too close to the landmark.
So for my own fear of being next to a spinning wheel
for the rest of my life,
I'm gonna give that a D.
Northern Ireland,
one of the most expensive ones, 1.8 million.
And does this not look like the American horror story house?
Is that not the same house?
Good photo.
We're coming into the gate.
What we gonna see?
Ooh, very light and bright kitchen.
I like a light and bright kitchen.
That bed looks like something from the Conjuring.
I'm slightly afraid.
I always think having a giant sofa in a bedroom is a choice.
Do you want someone to sit and watch your sleep?
Maybe they do.
I thought you is gonna be
more American Horror Storyish inside,
but I'm not feeling inspired for you.
(upbeat music)
Is this real?
This doesn't-
Is this a CGI house?
I feel like I'm on the wrong website for Northern Ireland.
What is the cheapest thing in London?
It's not all about the price.
Maybe you could save your pennies, Susan.
It's boat.
You could go live on a boat.
You could do this boat up, for sure.
And then you could just say around the canals of the UK.
Nothing tying you down.
Could you take one of these onto the sea or would you die?
Another boat, it's 40 grand, it's green.
I like the green.
It's got a shower.
Okay, this is a nicer boat.
I feel like you should get this one.
They got a little house plant or a boat plant.
Okay, I'm sold.
(upbeat music)
Hello, Philip here.
I'm just calling for my client, Susan.
I'd like to put in an offer on the house boat.
There is no Su-
What do you mean there is no Susan?
What do you mean I'm just talking to myself
and this is a YouTube video?
What- (phone thuds)