♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HI TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: I WANT TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Jon: IT IS REALLY, REALLY BEEN A PLEASURE AND HONOR IN MY
LIFE TO GET TO KNOW YOU AND SEE HOW GENIUS YOU ARE AND TO WORK
WITH YOU AND TO LEARN FROM YOU AND TO BE A FRIEND.
I REALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
I'M A VERY LUCKY MAN TO HAVE BECOME FRIENDS FROM YOU AND I
LEARN A LOT FROM YOU EVERY NIGHT, BOTH DIRECTLY AND THROUGH
OSMOSIS.
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: THE WAY YOU APPROACH LIFE AND THE WAY YOU
APPROACH YOUR WORK.
SO THANK YOU SO MUCH.
LOOK AT WHAT I'VE GOT: QUARANTINE BIRTHDAY.
>> Jon: WHAT'S GOING ON BACK THERE?
>> Stephen: MY DAUGHTER ORDERED THIS AND THE KIDS PUT IT
UP WHILE I WAS OUT OF THE ROOM.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
>> Jon: IT IS BEAUTIFUL TO BE WITH FAMILY AT THIS TIME.
>> Stephen: IT IS, IT IS.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
SEE YOU SOON, HOPEFULLY.
>> Stephen: BYE!
>> Jon: BYE!
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE UPON EVERYBODY.
CHILDREN-- NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY COME FROM, BUT IT'S
UNDENIABLE THAT SOME OF US HAVE THEM.
AND RIGHT NOW, WHILE WE'RE ALL PRACTICING SOCIAL DISTANCING,
MANY CHILDREN ARE BEING HOMESCHOOLED.
I KNOW THIS CAN LEAVE PARENTS EXHAUSTED FROM ANSWERING THE
SEEMINGLY ENDLESS STREAMS OF QUESTIONS THAT COME FROM THEIR
KIDS, SO TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO THE PROVIDE A SERVICE BY
ANSWERING SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM SOME REAL KIDS.
PARENTS, YOU CAN SPEND THE NEXT FEW MINUTES THROWING COLD WATER
ON YOUR FACE OR SCREAMING INTO A PILLOW.
JUST PLOP THOSE MINI-HUMANS IN FRONT OF THE TUBE, BECAUSE IT'S
TIME FOR: >> "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS."
>> Stephen: HI, KIDS!
I'D LIKE TO START HOMESCHOOLING WITH A LITTLE BIT OF QUESTION
TIME WHERE YOU CAN ASK ME ANY QUESTION ABOUT ANYTHING YOU
MIGHT BE CURIOUS ABOUT.
AND SINCE I'M ON TV, I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS.
IF I DIDN'T, WHY WOULD I HAVE A TV SHOW?
THAT'S LESSON NUMBER ONE.
OKAY, LET'S GET STARTED.
WHO'S GOT THE FIRST QUESTION?
>> Stephen: MARIA, THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS, ONLY STUPID
ANSWERS.
HERE COMES ONE: WE ALL KNOW THE " LET IT GO" OF THE ONE OF THE
GREATEST TIMES OF ALL TIME.
"INTO THE UNKNOWN" WAS A NOBLE STEP TO CAPTURE "LET IT GO."
IF ANYONE TELLS YOU "INTO THE UNKNOWN GOING TO QTS IS BETTER I
WANT TO SLAM THE DOOR.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY.
LET THE STORM RAGE ON.
THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY.
NEXT QUESTION: >> Stephen: GOOD QUESTION,
THOMAS.
WHEN WE ASK, "WHY IS THERE SHIPWRECKS?"
WE HAVE TO CONSIDER A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT FACTORS.
SOMETIMES SHIMS SINK DUE TO BAD WEATHER.
SOMETIMES NAVAL SHIPS ARE SUNK IN BATTLE.
AND SOMETIMES, THOMAS-- AND I KNOW YOU WILL FIND THIS VERY
HARD TO BELIEVE-- PEOPLE WHO ARE COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED ARE PUT
IN CHARGE TO SHIPS AND THEY DON'T LISTEN TO THE EXPERTS AND
INSTEAD MAKE DECISIONS THAT ENDANGER EVERYONE ELSE ON THE
SHIP.
BUT THAT JUST HAPPENS ON SHIPS.
AND IT HAPPENS NOWHERE ELSE.
NEXT QUESTION: >> Stephen: AN ETERNAL
QUESTION, SADIE.
SOME PEOPLE WILLITAL YOU THAT WORMS HELP BREAK DOWN ORGANIC
MATTER TO MAKE USEFUL SOIL FOR PLANTS, BUT THE REAL ANSWER SOF
COURSE, THAT WORMS ARE BABY SNAKES.
WITHOUT WORMS THERE, WOULD BE NO SNAKES, AND WE NEED SNAKES
BECAUSE...
I THINK THEY EAT BUGS OR SOMETHING.
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
ASK YOUR PARENTS.
NEQUESTION: >> Stephen: EDITH, I'M PROUD
OF YOU.
THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.
NOT EVERY CHILD IS WILLING TO FACE THE REALITY WHEN YOU TURN
FOUR, YOUR BODY WILL GO DING.
IF YOUR BODY GOES POP, HAVE YOUR MOM OR DAD CALL A DIRECTOR
IMMEDIATELY.
IT MIGHT MEAN THAT YOUR BODY SKIPPED FOUR AND TURNED FIVE BY
ACCIDENT, AND THAT'S EXTREMELY PAINFUL.
NEXT QUESTION: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS A MUSICAL QUESTION.
FOR, THAT I'LL DEFER TO JON BATISTE.
JON NCHTSZ I THINK I SEE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT.
WHAT I WOULD SAY IN RESPONSE IS...
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Jon: AND THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.
>> Stephen: THANKS, JON.
I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE.
>> Stephen: EXCELLENT QUESTION, EZRA.
TELL YOU WHAT, I'M GOING TO TURN THIS ONE EVER TO ASTROPHYSICIST,
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
>> EZREMARK THE UNIVERSE GL ON BEFORE.
BUT BEFORE FOREVER COMES WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF GAS TO MAKES
STARS WITH.
SO ALL THE STARS YOU SEE IN THE SKY, THE SUN INCLUDED WILL
EVENTUALLY BLINK OUT ONE BY ONE, PLUNGING THE YFERL UNIVERSE INTO
ETERNAL DARKNESS.
THE VERY MATTER OUT OF WHICH WE'RE COMPRISED WILL DECAY INTO
ITS COMPONENT PARTS, BLACK HOLES WILL EVAPORATE AND THE
TEMPERATURE OF THE UNIVERSE WILL DESCEND TO ABSOLUTE ZERO.
SO, AT LEAST FOR US, THE UNIVERSE WILL END NOT IN FIRE
BUT IN ICE.
AND NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH A WHIMPER.
HAVE A NICE DAY!
>> Stephen: THANKS, NEIL.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, PARENTS.
I HOPE THAT GAVE YOU A LITTLE BREAK.
AND IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME, PLEASE POST A VIDEO TO
SOCIAL MEDIA USING THE HASHTAG "COLBERT KID QUESTIONS" AND WE
MIGHT JUST FEATURE IT IN OUR NEXT INSTALLMENTMENT OF,
"STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS."
AGAIN, WE NEED A BETTER TITLE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
IT JUST-- YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.
OKAY.