Today at Live On Purpose TV, you get this psychologist's top 5 tips for saving
your marriage. Let's jump right in with the first problem that I see in most
marriages where I'm doing relationship coaching. And that is the need to be
right. And it starts with knowing that we are right. That's what has a showing up
so poorly in relationships. And check it out. It's not that we think we're right.
No. We know we are. We know we're right. Buddy of mine Brent Williams wrote a
book called You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married. And I always get a kick out
of his title. But I think he's on to something here. It's our need to be right
that has us digging in our heels and getting into conflicts that we really
don't need to get into. And this is one of the main culprits in destroying
marriages. So, to save your marriage, first, give up your need to be right. The next
tip comes from research that was done a couple of decades ago by doctors John
and Julie Gottman who studied relationships. They came up with some of
the most solid findings that we've ever had in the area of relationships. And
what they found is that there is a 4-part process that predictably puts
people on the risky edge of things. They called it the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse. And I love that imagery. You know, death and destruction is these guys
right in to end the world. Here's where it starts: Criticism. Now,
criticism doesn't have to be real or intended. As long as it is perceived it
works. To set off this negative cascade. Criticism leads to defensiveness which
makes sense because if you're being attacked, what do you
want to do? Protect yourself. Get that shield up. Which leads to the next of
these 4 horsemen, contempt. Contempt is kind of like defensiveness turned
hostile where you've got your shield up and now you draw your sword because you
want to get some jabs in. And that leads to the final of these four horsemen that
the Gottman's call stonewalling. Stonewalling, putting up a stonewall.
It's kind of like a more permanent form of defensiveness. It's turning away from
each other instead of turning toward each other. So, tip number 2 has to do
with this negative cascade identified by the Gottman's. Can the criticism? Kick it
out the door. I have people ask me all the time.
Well, what about constructive criticism? Yeah, good question. Okay, maybe there's a
place for giving appropriate feedback or making requests within the relationship.
But that's not what we're talking about right now. I'm talking about that
constant criticism or judgment that jumps in and sets off this negative
cascade. Can the criticism. Tip number 3, hone your communication skills.
This is a common request that I get as a marriage or relationship coach to help
us with our communication. "Doc, our communication is not going well." We need
help with communication. Communication happens in all couples that I'm aware of.
The problem tends to be how we communicate. Some couples communicate
with criticism and defensiveness and contempt and stonewalling. Does that
sound familiar from the previous tip? And that's not working. One of the most
profound things that I learned early in my career is to do more of what works
and less of what doesn't. Now, thanks to the Gottman's. We know what doesn't work.
They've also identified a lot of things that do. And when we get to the things
that work, we need to have a effective communication skills. There are
so many things that can go wrong in communication. And just type that little
word into the search here on the channel and you'll find several videos that
we've done about improving the communication skills. With everything
that could go wrong, it's amazing that we can communicate at all. In honing
communication skills, let me give you a little pointer. Most people want to be
understood. That's the pointer. Don't be that person.
I mean, of course you want to be understood. I get it. And it's important
for you to be understood. But could you postpone your need to be understood
until your spouse is satisfied that you understand them? What if you could do
that? Listen first. Step up and be the one who's willing to do the understanding
first. I guarantee, this tip alone is going to power up your communication in
ways that you probably couldn't have even anticipated. Try it out. Postpone
your need to be understood until your spouse is satisfied that you understand
them. Tip number 4 choose love. Here's the thing. Every interaction that you
have with your spouse or with anybody really, but we're talking about how to
save your marriage here. Every interaction you have with your spouse is
going to fall on one side or the other. I don't think there's a neutral option. I
think every interaction will be either a love interaction or a hate interaction.
And I know you hate the word hate. I do too. But that's why I picked it. Because
we need to be really aware of this particular choice. And I consider love to
be a choice. My second book is that title, The Love Choice which was a
collaboration with some other professional speakers. But this is the
time that I chose for my particular
contribution to this book. And here's why: When we interact and it's going to be on
one side or the other, we have to know how we're making that choice. And it's
either a little or a lot. The big hate choices are obvious, right? I worked with
a couple (I kid you not) where there was a firearm discharged I worked with another
one where there was severe physical violence and somebody went to prison. You
can't shock me. I've heard the stories, okay? Now, that's clearly a hate choice.
But what about those little hate choices? What about those little ones that just
dig a little or that just criticize a little or they just are hateful a little?
Not a lot. Those are the more dangerous ones. Especially as they pile up over
time. In the essay that I contributed to this book, I pointed out that we can make
a hate choice by assuming the worst, practicing pride and thinking to destroy.
Those 3 steps that sets up the contrast. For the Love Choice, assume the
best, practice humility and think to create or to edify or lift. Use that as a
starting place. That's tip number 4, choose love. For my final tip I'm going
to combine almost three decades of clinical experience into one suggestion.
And that is to practice positivity. I don't mean the tripe, fluffy, just-think-
positive stuff that you hear from motivational speakers or other folks
here on YouTube. I am talking about how to properly operate the equipment of
your own mind. And 2 of my books are specifically about that. You can get
these books for free, by the way. Go to DrPaulJenkins.com. Click on the big
orange button and I'll send you this one. I'll pay for the book, you
pay for the shipping. For this one, go to drPaulJenkins.info. This is a
little tip: DrPaulJenkins.info/portable positivity, the
title there. I'll give you a free digital copy of this. If you pay for the shipping
I'll send you a physical one. I want these to be in your hands because this
is how to operate the equipment. And one more important thing could we do to save
our marriage then to properly operate the equipment. This is not tripe, fluffy
psychobabble. We're talking about some hard science that will allow you to be
in a more powerful position over your own psychology. And guess what's
supporting your relationship? Your psychology. That's why I want you to be
in charge of it. I'm not going to leave you hanging. I want to help you to save
your marriage. Get those books that I mentioned drPaulJenkins.com. For
the big one drPaulJenkins.info/portablepositivity for
the little one. Come over to the website. We've got other resources available to
you to support you in your relationship. I'll see you there soon.
DrPaulJenkins.com