WELCOME EVERYBODY TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE RIGHT NOW-- IS THIS TRUE?
I DO HAVE THIS RIGHT-- WE ARE ALMOST FIVE WEEKS INTO RUSSIA'S
THREE-DAY CONQUEST OF UKRAINE AND WHILE PUTIN'S MONSTROUS WAR
AGAINST THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE CONTINUES TO GRIND ON, THERE
HAVE BEEN SOME INTERESTING DEVELOPMENTS IN THE PEACE TALKS
TAKING PLACE IN ISTANBUL.
HERE'S ONE THING: TO SIGNAL THEIR WILLINGNESS TO COMPROMISE,
THE RUSSIANS HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY WILL SHARPLY REDUCE MILITARY
ACTIVITY NEAR KYIV.
AN AREA WHERE-- AND I'M SURE THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENCE--
THEY ARE GETTING THEIR ASS HANDED TO THEM BY THE
UKRAINIANS.
( APPLAUSE )
IN A RELATED STORY FROM MARCH MADNESS, AFTER LOSING TO NORTH
CAROLINA, ST. PETER'S HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL SHARPLY
REDUCE BASKETBALL ACTIVITY NEAR THE FINAL FOUR.
( LAUGHTER )
CONTINUE, AND TODAY WE SAW A FEW SIGNS OF PROGRESS, INCLUDING
UKRAINE'S PROPOSAL FOR A 15-YEAR PROCESS OF NEGOTIATIONS ABOUT
THE STATUS OF CRIMEA.
NOW, THAT'S VERY CLEVER.
15 YEARS IS A LONG TIME, AND PUTIN'S NOT A YOUNG MAN.
IN 15 YEARS, HE'S GOING TO NEED ONE OF THOSE HORSES THAT GOES
UP STAIRS.
THEY SELL THOSE-- THEY ADVERTISE THOSE ON FOX.
( APPLAUSE )
MARGINAL PROGRESS, THE VIBES AT THESE MEETINGS HAVE BEEN VERY
UNEASY.
THERE WERE REPORTS THAT THE TALKS KICKED OFF WITH NO
HANDSHAKE AND UKRAINE WARNED ITS NEGOTIATORS NOT TO EAT, DRINK,
OR EVEN TOUCH ANYTHING.
SO, BASICALLY, NEW YORK SUBWAY RULES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALL OF US WHO LIVE IN THE CITY, WHEN YOU COME HERE, YOU KNOW,
YOU GUYS KNOW, WHEN YOU MOVE HERE THEY TEACH YOU THE RHYME:
"IF IT'S RED, STAND INSTEAD IF IT'S BROWN, STAY DOWNTOWN
IF IT'S WAXY, TAKE A TAXI."
UKRAINE HAS GOOD REASON TO BE CAUTIOUS, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE
FOUND OUT THAT IN EARLIER TALKS, UKRAINIAN PEACE NEGOTIATORS
SHOWED SIGNS OF POISONING AFTER MEETING THE RUSSIANS.
POISONING PEACE NEGOTIATORS, OF OF COURSE OF THE CLASSIC JOHN
LENNON SONG: ♪ ALL WE ARE SAYING
IS GIVE PEACE A-- CHAAAAAGH!
MY EYES!
>> Stephen: ONE PERSONUC ONE PERSON-- STILL BEAUTIFUL.
STILL A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE.
ONE PERSON-- YOKO.
THAT LAST PART WAS YOKO, I THINK.
ONE PERSON-- I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LAUGHING SAYING THE
SENTENCE.
ONE PERSON WHO WAS POISONED WAS ROMAN ABRAMOVICH, OWNER OF THE
CHELSEA SOCCER CLUB.
OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE SUSPECT.
HE MAY HAVE BEEN POISONED, BUT YOU KNOW THOSE SOCCER GUYS.
YOU JUST BRUSH PAST THEM AND THEY DO THIS:
>> AHHH!
I'M POISONED!
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE STRANGEST DETAILS TO EMERGE WAS THAT THE
VICTIMS CONSUMED ONLY CHOCOLATE AND WATER IN THE HOURS BEFORE
THE SYMPTOMS APPEARED.
THAT CHOCOLATE?
KILL KAT, MARSENIC BARS, AND CAD-BURY MY ENEMIES.
( LAUGHTER )
A PRESS CONFERENCE, AND HE WAS ASKED A RIDICULOUS QUESTION BY A
RIDICULOUS MAN: FOX NEWS REPORTER AND THAT ONE KID IN
HIGH SCHOOL WHO WEARS A SUIT TO GYM CLASS, PETER DOOCY.
JIMMY, DROP THE DEUCE.
>> WHEN YOU SAID A CHEMICAL WEAPON USED BY RUSSIA WOULD
TRIGGER A RESPONSE IN KIND?
>> IT WILL TRIGGER A SIGNIFICANT RESPONSE.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
WHY WOULD I TELL YOU?
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SILLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: REMEMBER--
YES.
REMEMBER HOW ON LAST NIGHT'S SHOW I SAID THAT SLAPPING IS
NEVER, EVER, EVER THE ANSWER?
I'D LIKE TO FILE A ONE-TIME EXCEPTION ON BEHALF OF THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S WRONG!
DOOCY DID NOT STOP THERE.
>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.
>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW A LOT OF THINGS.
I'M NOT TELLING THEM WHAT THE RESPONSE WOULD BE.
THEN RUSSIA KNOWS THE RESPONSE.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE TWO MORE QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: "UH, PETER DOOCY, FOX NEWS.
I'VE GOT TWO MORE QUESTIONS.
FIRST, WHAT ARE THE EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALL OF AMERICA'S
TROOPS?
AND CAN YOU GIVE ME THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES?
JUST TELL ME, IS ONE OF THEM A FOUR?
CAN I BUY A VOWEL, MR. PRESIDENT.
I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE: ANOTHER FEATHER IN YOUR MAP."
SPEAKING OF FOX NEWS VIEWERS, FORMER PRESIDENT COUP-PA-LOOMPA.
THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE IS CLOSING IN ON HIM.
YESTERDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MORE
LIKELY THAN NOT COMMITTED A CRIME IN TRYING TO BLOCK THE
CONFIRMATION OF BIDEN'S WIN.
YEAH, HIM CRIMING SEEMS LIKE A FAIR BET PRETTY MUCH ANY DAY.
MATTER OF FACT, HERE'S A PIE CHART OF ALL OF HIS POTENTIAL
ACTIVITIES: CRIME, CRIME, CRIME, CRIME,
GOLF, BURGER, STEAL BURGER AT THE GOLF COURSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER GOOD INDICATOR THAT THERE'S A CRIME IS THAT THERE
SEEMS TO BE A POORLY-EXECUTED COVER-UP GOING ON HERE.
YOU SEE, THE COMMITTEE HAS THE WHITE HOUSE PHONE RECORDS FROM
JANUARY 6, AND TODAY, WE FOUND OUT THERE'S A GAP IN THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S PHONE LOGS OF SEVEN HOURS AND 37 MINUTES, INCLUDING
THE PERIOD WHEN THE CAPITOL WAS BEING VIOLENTLY ASSAULTED.
INSTEAD, FOR ALL OF THOSE HOURS, ALL THE WHITE HOUSE PHONE
RECORDS JUST SAY, "SCAM LIKELY."
SO NO CALLS ALL DAY LONG?
IF YOU THINK THE INVESTIGATORS ARE WORRIED, IMAGINE HOW THEY
FELT AT WENDY'S:
"IT'S BEEN SEVEN HOURS, AND HE HASN'T CALLED.
THE BACONATORS ARE PILING UP.
SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT.
CHECK THE DUMPSTER!
MAYBE HE FELL ASLEEP IN THERE AGAIN!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SEE, HE'S A RACCOON.
THE PRESIDENT WAS A RACCOON.
HERE'S THE THING: WE KNOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SPOKE TO PEOPLE
LIKE KEVIN McCARTHY AND JIM JORDAN DURING THOSE SEVEN
HOURS AND 37 MINUTES, WHICH IS WHY THE HOUSE PANEL IS NOW
INVESTIGATING WHETHER HE COMMUNICATED THAT DAY THROUGH
BACK CHANNELS, INCLUDING USING "BURNER PHONES."
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
I MEAN, HE ALREADY HAS A BURNER SON.
LAST NIGHT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DENIED THE WHOLE THING,
CLAIMING, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A BURNER PHONE IS.
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD THE TERM."
WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN
YOU DIDN'T USE IT.
"YOUR HONOR, I CAN'T HAVE STABBED THAT MAN.
I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A...
K-NIF-EE?"
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON A STORY FROM YESTERDAY ABOUT NORTH
CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN AND PHOTOGRAPH THAT CAME WITH THE
FRAME, MADISON CAWTHORN.
YESTERDAY-- WAS IT YESTERDAY, JUST YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE INTERVIEW CAWTHORN RECENTLY GAVE
WHERE HE MADE SOME WILD CLAIMS ABOUT REPUBLICANS IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.
>> I LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE, AND A LOT OF THEM THAT I'VE
LOOKED UP TO THROUGH MY LIFE ALWAYS PAID ATTENTION TO
POLITICS, GUYS THAT-- THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU GET INVITED TO,
LIKE, WELL, HEY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL
GET-TOGETHER AT ONE OF OUR HOMES.
YOU SHOULD COME!
WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME TO COME TO?
AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY.
OR THE FACT THAT THERE'S SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LEADING ON
THE MOVEMENT TO TRY AND REMOVE ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY, THEN
YOU WATCH THEM DOING A KEY BUMP OF COCAINE IN FRONT OF YOU.
AND IT'S LIKE, THIS IS WILD.
>> Stephen: YES, THAT IS WILD-- IN THAT HE ACTS VERY INNOCENT,
AND YET CLEARLY KNOWS WHAT A "KEY BUMP OF COCAINE" IS.
NO SURPRISE, NO SURPRISE HIS CLAIMS OF COCAINE-FUELED,
FISCALLY-CONSERVATIVE FLESH PITS RUFFLED A FEW REPUBLICAN
FEATHERS, WHICH CAWTHORN SAYS THEY USE TO DECORATE THEIR "EYES
WIDE SHUT" MASKS.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S ALL TICKLE PLAY.
SO RUFFLED WERE THOSE FEATHERS, THAT EARLIER TODAY, HOUSE
MINORITY LEADER AND GUY AT THE ORGY COOLING HIS WANG IN THE
SPINACH DIP--
( APPLAUSE )
EVERY SO OFTEN.
IT'S LIKE A DRILL BIT.
KEVIN McCARTHY, SORRY, WAS THAT SHOCKING LEWIS.
I KNOW YOU'RE A NICE PERSON.
I APOLOGIZE.
McCARTHY FELT IT NECESSARY TO HOLD A MEETING IN WHICH
"MULTIPLE REPUBLICANS IN THE ROOM STOOD UP TO AIR THEIR ANGER
AND FRUSTRATION OVER CAWTHORN PORTRAYING HIS OWN COLLEAGUES
AS BACCHANALIAN AND SEXUAL DEVIANTS."
WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE UPSET.
BY NOT NAMING NAMES, CAWTHORN HAS IMPLICATED THE ENTIRE G.O.P.
I MEAN, THE GUY WITH THE ORGY AND COCAINE COULD BE ANY
MATT GAETZ.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SANDRA BULLOCK AND COMEDIAN HANNAH GADSBY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?