Hello my Beautiful Watchers, tell me something, what is the first thing that comes to your
mind when you consider The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas?
Yes, that is correct, the Soviet Union.
So uh yay, you get to hear me mispronounce some Russian names as well as French ones
in this episode.
I usually try to avoid doing this but before we get started I just want to quickly address
a few mistakes and recurring comments in regards to the last episode.
I called Vincent Price “Lee” twice, I think because I had just mentioned Christopher
Lee playing Rochefort and I was conflating two late actors that I respect the hell out
of.
I also accidentally referred to Rebecca de Mornay as Rebecca de Mourier. Which, umm,
well you see, Daphne de Mourier is an author who wrote a book called Rebecca so I guess
you can kind of see where that brain fart came from.
I accused the 1993 and 2011 films of aging down King Louis, when he was actually in his
mid 20s in the novel so it was technically the earlier movies that aged him UP.
I also apparently have to explain that The Man in the Iron Mask is not an adaptation
of the Three Musketeers, it’s a loose adaptation of part of Ten Years Later, one of the sequel
novels that Dumas wrote.
Including it in the last episode would have been as illogical as doing a Lost in Adaptation
for The Return of the King but comparing it to the plot of The Fellowship of the Ring.
It’s a different book.
If someone commissions another episode I’ll happily talk about it but until then The Man
in The Iron Mask has no business here, away with you.
But enough about old mistakes, let's move onto the subject of this episode so I can
make some new ones.
I must confess, I was quite surprised that this was the adaptation the patron who commissioned
this episode wanted in particular at first as I’d never heard of it before and being
in hindsight quite close-minded assumed that that was because this 3 episode mini series
is super obscure.
However, I quickly learned that in Russia and some of eastern Europe this series was
ridiculously popular and still to this day commands a nostalgic hold on people comparable
to the one that the 1993 Disney version has over my more western audience.
The direct translation of the title is apparently d'Artagnan and Three Musketeers but I probably
won't be referring to it as such because the omission of that “the” would no doubt
trip me up constantly.
Obviously it wasn’t made BY the Soviet Union, just in it in 1979. It was directed by Georgi
Yungvald-Khilkevich a man with a respectable amount of TV credits as a director and a writer.
A quick review of it just as a film and not an adaptation is as follows.
I’m having to work with a LITTLE guesswork here but from what I can deduce it’s popularity
seems to be due to a combination of the catchiness of its songs and an appreciation for its unapologetic
silliness. I can show you some examples of the latter but alas, due to the nature of
Youtube’s copyright system you’re going to have to track down the former independently
if you’re curious.
For my part.. Umm.. I think some of the humour might have been a little lost in translation.
I got some chuckles out of it but there were kind of some awkward moments too.
Once again a production has utterly failed to cast an age appropriate actor to play teenage
d'Artagnan. Mikhail Boyarskiy was about 30 at the time of filming but... Well I don’t
want to be mean but he looks like he could pass for 45 before he could pass for 18.
Framing isn't really a thing in this and they apparently didn’t have the budget for ANY
second takes so there's a lot of capes that get blown over people’s heads.
A lot of the streets that the Musketeers ride down look suspiciously modern to me. I don’t
think that pavements, or sidewalks for my Sorcerer’s Stone loving siblings were a
thing back in 17th century France.
The directing and editing also goes a little off the rails sometimes. I was really confused
by the execution of Milady de Winter in particular. Oh err spoilers that scene is in the film.
As the 4 leads are passing judgment on her she cuts herself loose using a conveniently
placed greatsword. As she starts to run away to the left you can see that the executioner
of Lille is behind her to the right.
No one makes any attempt to follow her but she seems to act like her path to escape has
been blocked off by someone and she appears to give up and present her head to be cut
off so I was left trying to figure out if the headsman could teleport or if there was
a mysterious 5th person we never see on camera.
The series jumps back and forth between diegetic and nondiegetic musical numbers in a way that
suggested to me that they weren’t really bothered about the difference.
All that said I still had a good time watching this. The super catchy songs make up for a
LOT of the problems brought about by budgetary issues and the (I’m told) all star cast
seems like they’re giving it a LOT of enthusiasm which is transferred to the audience.
Musicals have always been a bit of a sticky wicket for this show. Even saying that the
singing wasn’t in the book sounds petty and redundant but I can’t just ignore it
altogether because sometimes, and quite a bit in this particular adaptation some changes
to the story are made to facilitate setting up the songs.
The compromise I think is to still mention the changes but to be a little bit more chill
about them than I usually would be as they aren't necessarily the result of a new vision
usurping the authors. Ok, let's talk adaptation.
d'Artagnan’s dad sending him to Paris on a weird horse to become a Musketeer and advising
him to fight anyone who disrespects him.
D-Dog attempting to put this into practice when Rochefort makes fun of his horse but
falling afoul of Rochefort’s men and losing his letter of introduction addressed to Captain
de Treville.
Arriving in Paris just as Captain de Treville is dressing down his three most skilled Musketeers,
Athos, Porthos and Aramis for fighting with the Cardinal’s guard and losing but relenting
when he sees that Athos has dragged himself there despite being badly wounded.
Now of course this series included the gasgon getting into duels with all three inseparables
on his first day in Paris but this one is also spot on in regards to the exact reasons
for each challenge: Crashing into Athos’s wounded shoulder, exposing Porthos’ baldric
for being cheaper at the back under his cloak and attempting to return Aramis’ handkerchief
and accidentally outing him as a womaniser.
The duelus interruptus by the cardinal's guard inciting the 4 men to join forces instead
and become super close friends.
Getting brought before the King so he could pretend to be mad at them while actually being
quite pleased that they licked his rival’s goons so thoroughly.
Big D’s landlord, Bonacieux getting arrested as a way to get to his wife Constance, the
personal servant of the Queen, though when they do try to arrest her as well d'Artagnan
intercedes.
Bonacieux getting brainwashed by the Cardinal and made into a spy, tasked with keeping an
eye on his own wife.
Dar-to-the-tagnan, full of entitled rage at seeing his new crush with another man picking
a fight in the street, though immediately relenting when he realises he’s the English
duke of Buckingham being smuggled through Paris by Constance.
Said duke being snuck into a meeting with his lover, the queen of France who refuses
to outright run away with him but gives him 12 diamonds as a token of her affection.
Richelieu getting word of this through his network of spies and arranging for the king
to demand that she wear said diamonds at an upcoming ball in part to get revenge on her
for snubbing his affections.
This film not only includes the Cardinal’s failed pass at the queen but expands on it
with a musical flashback to the event.
Milady de Winter being contracted to half inch two of the twelve diamonds from Buckingham
to prove that he had them and prevent any chance of them being returned.
Constance trying to help the queen by going to vitamin D and asking him to race to England
and get her jewelry back for her.
The three Musketeers going with him but all having to remain behind at some point or another
on the way out of France.
d'Artagnan dueling and wounding a man in order to steal his travel pass and get across the
channel.
After noticing the missing stones, Buckingham using his extravagant wealth to replace them
in super fast time.
D dog getting back to Paris just in time to give the diamonds to the queen and save her
from being outed.
Like many other Three Musketeers adaptations, things get a little screwy from this point
in the story onwards, in this case in regards to the order of events. For the sake of clarity
I’m going to list the remaining book similarities in the order that they originally happened
in the book, and then explain how the film handled them in the next section of the review.
The king declaring war on a small part of France named La Rochelle for being the slightly
wrong type of Christian.
Assassination attempts being made on D man orchestrated by Milady de Winter including
some bad shots and some poisoned wine.
Athos, through a chimney, overhearing Cardinal Richelieu tasking Milady with either talking
the Duke of Buckingham out of joining the war on the side of the Protestant rebels or
finding a religious fanatic to kill him.
Milady requesting d'Artagnan’s head as her payment for this mission and a Cardinal signed
letter giving the bearer license to do anything they need to do in his name which is quickly
confiscated by Athos at gunpoint in an attempt to keep his young friend safe.
Milady the unstoppable succeeding in the latter of Richelieu’s suggestions despite being
taken prisoner.
Weirdly though, despite establishing him as a character the series kills Buckingham off
screen and only mentions his death in an offhand conversation.
The famous foursome deciding that Milady need to be punished for her naughtys and forming
a lynch mob that includes the executioner of Lille, another man with beef against her.
Tracking down Milady and sentencing her to death.
The Cardinal, put in an awkward position by how much the Musketeers know about his behind
the scenes meddling and their ownership of the pardon he wrote for Milady, giving d'Artagnan
a promotion to Lieutenant instead of having them arrested.
Assuming the subtitles were an accurate translation, in between the songs this mini series sported
some of the most book accurate dialogue I’ve ever seen in a Three Musketeers adaptation.
Things like de Treville’s rant, d'Artagnan’s apology to the three that only one of them
could kill him and the Cardinal’s wording when he was implying to Milady that she should
arrange for someone to kill Buckingham are pretty much word for word from the book.
I think the Russans figured out that this book was supposed to be a middle finger to
King Louis the 13th better than most. The evidence for this being a rather tedious scene
where he slowly eats a rich meal in his tent while soldiers die for him on the battlefield.
I was very impressed with the way that this series recreated of Cardinal Richelieu’s
sense of presence. You get the distinct impression that everyone in the room lets out just a
little bit of wee when he walks in looking annoyed about something.
Ooh I should see if I can say Hello my Beautiful Watchers in Russian.
Uh...niet.
As is apparently a common theme in adaptations of Dumas’ work, a large amount of the differences
to the book are a result of the filmmakers amping up the action and comedy.
As I’ve said in recent episodes past, the book wasn’t overly serious but this film
takes it to a whole new level of silly. A prime example being D dog’s first step in
rescuing Constance is tricking a guard into sticking his head up through a hole in the
floor and then shaving him.
In addition Porthos is basically the Hulk now and Aramis can use his commanding preacher
voice to compel his enemies to pause in their attacks for an impromptu sermon.
Also par the course for a Musketeers adaptation, d'Artagnan and the three are made way more
traditionally heroic. They still skirt their duties to drink and have a good time occasionally
but they don’t murder random people in duels nearly as much as before.
Even things like d'Artagnan stalking Constance becomes fortuitous in this series as his presence
saves her and the duke from a gang of thugs hired by the Cardinal.
Bonacieux doesn't get a chance to appeal to big D for help so we’re spared him being
refused it. The character is kind of demonised by the series, introducing him with a public
argument with his wife and in general presenting him as a total dickhead you shouldn’t feel
sorry for.
As I alluded to before, this mini series included a lot of stuff from the book but in a radically
different timeline of occurrence.
The first major change is Constance is murdered by Milady at the end of episode 2, which puts
it before the Siege of La Rochelle and Milady’s duke killing mission to England.
This does an amazing job of muddying everyone's motivations for their actions. Milady lacks
a concrete reason to kill Constance when she did. I think she was going to the convent
to retrieve her on the Cardinal’s orders but when the gang turned up she apparently
settled for offing her.
Her hatred for d'Artagnan seems to be more about a new obsession with gaining her own
noble title, which was the reward withdrawn from her when the D man foiled the Cardinal’s
diamond plot.
The Musketeers also seem to get distracted from avenging Constance’s death for a good
while and their new main reason for risking deserting the battlefield and tracking her
down becomes about stopping her assasination attempts on d'Artagnan.
Most confusing of all, the hour that the lads spent having breakfast in a front line tower
is moved to literally the very last part of the story and they do it to prove that they’re
not cowards instead of it being an extreme way to have a private chat.
The series almost looked like it was setting itself up to kill the protagnists off Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid style but shows them returning to camp miraculously unharmed
just before the credits role.
Anne of Austria is Spanish in this adaptation. I suspect so they could mix some Latin music
into the repertoire, though I suppose it could have been a political thing. I’m afraid
neither Wikipedia nor the C grade I got in my GCSE history are sufficient to enlighten
me on if the Soviets had a beef with Austria.
The relationship between the king and queen appears to have been upgraded from the book’s
weird combination of disinterest and jealousy to open hostility. The King constantly shouts
at his wife and catches her with a letter that she wrote to her brother, the King of
Spain, encouraging him to invade France.
There's a couple of additional fights and horseback chases here and there but that is
pretty much universal to all film adaptations of this book.
The Puritan Englishman who eventually kills Buckingham is a counter spy who intercepts
her before she can even cross the channel in this version of the story and she manages
to completely brainwash him in just a few minutes, though she does this using the power
of song so the implausibility of it is lessened.
Exactly why Richelieu gave d'Artagnan the lieutenant's commission is a mystery known
only to the master schemer himself. One possibly theory is he was seeing if he could drive
a wedge in between the four friends by making them argue over whose name should be filed
out, but overestimated how interested the three were in their careers as Musketeers.
This adaptation discards this theory by having Richelieu offering the commision first to
Athos, then Porthos, and Aramis himself before d'Artagnan is nominated by his friends.
The series introduced a two finger gesture that seemed to represent something akin to
all for one and one for all. I actually kind of liked it, it was a cute way of wordlessly
conveying their powerful four-way bromance.
Fun fact, All for One and One for All is not the Musketeers catchphrase.
In the original text of the book it reads:
All for One, One for All.
No adaptation has ever gotten this right.
The now (I hope) infamous rape of Milady by d'Artagnan is ommited… But that part of
the book is sort of referenced.
Pornstache d'Artagnan randomly runs into Kitty early on in the story and smooches her as
a way of hiding from some pursuing Cardinal’s guards.
When they’re tracking down Milady he bumps into her again and claims to love her to get
her to tell him where her mistress is hiding. Then when he corners her Milady pretends to
be in love with D dog as a last ditch attempt to escape her fate so yeah, small amounts
of the lying and manipulation of the book without the actual rape via deception.
Like most adaptations of this book they (by necessity of time constraints) skip over a
lot of illegal dueling the Musketeers got up to. Just as examples the Count de Winter
and his friends and the man that d'Artagnan ran through for insulting his ability to play
tennis. I wish I was making that up.
No Planchet or any of the other musketeers manservants again. I’m not too sad. It's
always easier to root for them when they’re not constantly beating the piss out of their
employees.
The three Musketeers make their return to Paris at the same time as the D man in the
series, helping him infiltrate the palace and get the diamonds to the queen, so the
chapters where d'Artagnan tracks them down and has to help each one get out of the debts
he’s accumulated since they parted ways are absent.
The multiple kidnappings of Constance Bonacieux are also strategically cut out. She was simply
returning home after a shift at the palace when she was jumped by the city guards, and
d'Artagnan happens to overhear the Cardinal telling his cronies to arrest her right after
the diamond mission so arranges with the queen to have her hidden away somewhere before they
can get to her.
Final thoughts:
If this adaptation had featured in the last episode, I probably would have put it somewhere
in the middle of the loyalty to the plot rankings and it might have been in the running for
the book accurate interpretations of the Three Musketeers and Cardinal Richelieu, though
I think the winners there still would have edged them out.
For a musical adaptation it goes above and beyond what would be expected of it book accuracy
wise. Its biggest sin is changing the order of events so willy nilly but even taking that
into account, I think someone who hasn’t read the book could get a reasonable idea
of it from watching this.
So yeah, I don’t think it would have won any of my awards but taking into account that
it’s a tongue in cheek musical adaptation not a serious film and the very low bar set
by other adaptations I’m pretty happy with it.
Thank you for joining me my Beautiful Watchers. As usual please forgive me for reminding you
that the success or failure of a Youtube channel is tied into the amounts of likes and comments
its gets on a most disturbingly level so if you have received any entertainment from this
episode that would be an excellent way to show your appreciation.
See you soon.
Much love and appreciation to my Patrons of Honor: Aaron G. Duncil, Sasha I. Edwards,
and Shelby Hotz.
Hello again my Beautiful Watchers. I just wanted to take this opportunity to give you
a quick reminder that there’s a wonderful website called Patreon that’s been allowing
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