>> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE MEDITATIVELY FOLDING THE DAY'S
BIG STORIES INTO THE FLAWLESS ORIGAMI SWAN THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO GATHER THE CRUMPLED UP FAILED ATTEMPTS,
SLIVERS OF PAPER TRIMMING AND DISCARDED MAGAZINE PAGES, THEN
CUT AND PASTE THEM INTO THE UNHINGED RANSOM LETTER OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: BOOM!
"MEANWHILE," JUST WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!
MEANWHILE, STEVE EASTERBROOK HAS BEEN FIRED AS C.E.O. OF
McDONALD'S AFTER HE ENGAGED IN A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH AN
EMPLOYEE.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THE UNEVEN POWER
DYNAMIC, ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THIS IS A WORKPLACE, AND JUST SAY TO
YOURSELF
♪ BA-DA-BA-BA-BA PLEASE STOP ME FROM LOVIN' IT ♪
SPEAKING OF MCDONALD'S, THEY ARE BRINGING BACK THEIR RETRO HAPPY
MEAL TOYS.
IT'S GOOD NEWS.
BUT, SADLY, THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE THE CONTROVERSIAL McBESTOS.
( LAUGHTER )
COOKIE DOUGH AND AN OVEN ARE HEADED TO THE INTERNATIONAL
SPACE STATION, WHICH NASA SAYS IS IMPORTANT FOR SCIENCE,
BECAUSE "CREW MEMBERS MAY EXPERIENCE PSYCHOLOGICAL
AND PHYSIOLOGICAL BENEFITS."
IT'S ALL OUTLINED IN THEIR GROUNDBREAKING NEW REPORT,
"HUMANS LIKE COOKIES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE-- COOKIES.
COOKIES.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S SOME NEWS OUT OF THE AVIATION WORLD THAT I'LL
COVER IN MY LONGRUNNING "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT, "FLIGHT
ATTENTION."
( BELL RINGS ) MEANWHILE, DELTA AIRLINES HAS
COME UNDER FIRE FOR CENSORING A NON-NUDE LESBIAN SEX SCENE IN
OLIVIA WILDE'S MOVIE BOOKSMART, AND REMOVING THE WORDS "VAGINA"
AND "GENITALS" AND "FOR SHOWING A VERSION OF THE ELTON JOHN
BIOPIC 'ROCKETMAN' WITHOUT ANY REFERENCES TO ELTON JOHN BEING
GAY."
THAT VERSION OF ROCKETMAN IS JOHN WICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET CONTINUES TO INNOVATE WAYS TO
MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL BAD, AND THE LATEST SENSATION IS TO
DISMISS OLDER PEOPLE BY SAYING, "OK BOOMER," AS IN BABY BOOMERS.
IT'S A PRETTY GOOD DISS.
STILL NOT AS GOOD AS THE BOOMER DISS FOR MILLENNIALS: "HEY,
WE'VE PERMANENTLY DESTROYED THE HOUSING MARKET."
WELL, ONE NEW YORK RADIO HOST IS GETTING DUNKED ON BY THE
INTERNET AFTER THIS TWEET WENT VIRAL FOR ITS GRADE-A
CASUAL RACISM: "BOOMER IS THE N-WORD OF AGEISM.
BEING HIP AND FLIP DOES NOT MAKE BIGOTRY OK, NOR IS A DERISIVE
EPITHET ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE IT IS NEW."
OKAY BEAMER.
CLEARLY--
TECHNICALLY I'M A BOOMER.
CLEARLY, THIS FELLA NEEDS TO PLAY THE HOT NEW GAME "IS THIS
THE NEW N-WORD?" NO, IT'S NOT.
THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COWBOYS-GIANTS GAME AT METLIFE STADIUM, A CAT RAN ONTO THE
FIELD AND WENT VIRAL FOR THIS RUN:
>> HE'S AT THE 30, THE 25, THE 20!
HE'S AT THE 15!
GO!
DON'T STOP NOW!
KEEP ON GOING!
GO, GO!
TOUCHDOWN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A BETTER FOOTBALL TEAM THAN THE JETS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELIZABETH BANKS.