Welcome back to the show.
As one of the top 5 or 6 feminist shows in late night,
we're all about celebrating the achievements
of fierce, brave, strong women.
Well, that and dildo jokes.
But mainly women.
And tonight we want to celebrate a truly special female woman:
Donald Trump's omnipresent Spokes-cobra, Kellyanne Conway.
Or, as Fox News calls her,
The first woman to run a winning presidential campaign
in the history of this country.
First woman to ever lead and win a presidential campaign.
The first woman to run a successful
presidential campaign.
Jesus, Fox, stop ramming your feminist identity politics
down America's throats.
But they're right, Kellyanne did turn Trump's upended Porta
Potty of a campaign around and get him elected, pretty much
single handedly, while raising 4 children
and probably being interrupted every 3
minutes by the alpha bro jockstraps Trump
likes to surround himself with.
She is fucking amazing at her job, and she deserves credit.
But for some reason, not everyone
is celebrating Kellyanne's victory for womanhood.
I gotta think that if Kellyanne Conway was on the left,
I'd be seeing her on the cover of Vogue.
But the left's not big fans.
Oh my god, you guys.
It's so unfair.
A woman pulls off the historic feat
of electing a sexual predator who thinks women should be
punished for having abortions, and feminists don't celebrate
her with a Vogue cover!
Although, she did get the cover of Pussy-Grabber Enabler
Monthly, so I guess that's something.
Well, I, for one, am not about to question the feminist cred
of a 49-year-old in a Supergirl costume,
so tonight we honor her.
New conservative feminist movement.
Women should not have the right to vote.
I would not want to be called a feminist.
Long before Trump grabbed her for his campaign,
Kellyanne was fighting for, and or against, women's rights,
always tackling the issues that mattered most-- whether that
meant defending marriage by attacking a PBS cartoon that
featured a child with 2 moms, or speaking up for feminism
at conservative gatherings.
Femininity is replacing feminism as a leading
attribute for American women.
If women really want to be taken seriously in the workforce
these days, looking feminine is a good way to start.
It is important to always emphasize your femininity.
That's why even the W in the logo behind her
was designed to look like a pair of tits.
But as racists who don't feel like racists keep telling us,
we should never judge anyone by what they say or do,
but only by what's in their heart.
And I know Kellyanne doesn't believe
those homophobic, sexist things in her heart,
because Kellyanne doesn't believe anything in her heart.
She will say literally anything.
Exhibit A from back before Trump hired her:
It's completely transparent.
Donald Trump's tax returns aren't.
I'd like to see those be transparent.
He says he's for the little guy, but he's actually
built a lot of his business on the backs of the little guy...
through not paying contractors.
Victims of Trump University, victims of Trump
in Atlantic City.
Insulting them as lying Ted, which
was fairly unpresidential.
Aw.
Remember when that was Trump being unpresidential?
We were so young and innocent in April.
But the moment Svengali Ann found her Trilby,
she sang a different tune.
You started retweeting people criticizing
Jeff Zeleny, our reporter, including a 16-year-old boy.
Is that really presidential behavior?
Well, he's the president-elect, so that's
presidential behavior, yes.
Great.
By that standard, presidential behavior also
includes owning slaves, nailing interns, vomiting
on foreign leaders, and whipping your shlong out
to White House staffers-- all of which
President Trump will likely do.
But Kellyanne's true superpower is
deflecting questions like Supergirl deflects bullets.
Watch how many ways she evades one simple question
about her boss's Twitter.
Is it irresponsible for a president-elect
to make false statements like that?
Well-well first, many people are questioning the victory.
You've got people spending millions of dollars, wasting
money and time in the Clinton and Stein camps
in Wisconsin, Michigan--
they tried in Pennsylvania-- to get a recount.
Why can't you allow this president-elect to form his
government the way President Obama and Secretary Clinton
have suggested they would like him to do. -Simple question, Kellyanne.
Is that statement by President-elect Trump true?
I'm sorry?
The Clinton team is pretending that the scapegoat
in this election is Jim Comey.
Hillary Clinton's message was all negative,
and I think what people will see is strong leadership
in nominating "Mad Dog" Mattis--
strong leadership in keeping
those jobs in Indianapolis.
Kellyanne Conway, thanks for coming on and answering
questions this morning.
What?
She didn't answer your questions,
you sentient pocket square.
She just gave a 4-minute Trump commercial.
We haven't seen a blonde do this much spinning
and lying since Tonya Harding.
Now, look, I have met Kellyanne, and she is lovely in person.
I get why most reporters like her.
And some like-like her.
Trump said and wrote in tweets-- not at all.
I love you, Kellyanne, and you know it.
You just want to argue with me.
Hey, Chris, by the way, I'm not ducking a thing.
Not my style.
You are welcome any time to come on New Day.
All right.
I'll make your coffee myself.
For more about Kellyanne and Chris' torrid affair,
you can read my erotic novelization,
This Just In.
But as good as she is at highjacking interviews,
she's even better at highjacking language.
Did you notice that jujitsu she did with fake news?
Steve Bannon ran Breitbart News.
They peddled a lot of stories on that website
that are just false.
I think the biggest piece of fake news in this election
was that Donald Trump couldn't win.
Talk about fake news,
the fake news is that somehow the popular vote
is more important than the electoral college vote now.
That you've got this raw information, this
complete, ridiculous fake news.
Actually, it's just fake.
It's actually been backed up by not only multiple sources,
but other news agencies. -No, it hasn't.
-The New York Times. -OK.
The phrase fake news is like a loaded gun
that Kellyanne definitely plucked out of reporters' hands
and pointed at their heads.
And she was doing it beautifully until a poorly
quaffed water buffalo blundered in and fucked up her game.
I'm not going to give you a question.
Can you--
You are fake news.
Jesus, Donald.
Have you learn nothing from Kellyanne?
Smile, take the question.
Don't answer it.
Complain about Hillary Clinton!
It's not a difficult formula.
Which raises an important question: why the hell is
he president, instead of her?
Kellyanne is the soulless Machiavellian
despot America deserves.
Not this undisciplined hobbit-handed omni-shambles.
Lean in, bitch.
You're the one with superpowers.
You changed history and also possibly ended it.
So Kellyanne, welcome to the hall of fame.
If you want to pick up your award,
it will be behind our studio in the alley,
where women will be getting their abortions
a year from now.
Thanks for everything.
We'll be right back.