﻿Hello, Peggies, I’m Andrew,
and did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?
It's doing the exact same thing, over and over again, expecting shit to change.
But if hoping that a videogame movie will actually be good makes me crazy,
then call me Trevor Phillips.
Last one standing!
The ‘Far Cry’ series has always excelled at creating memorable moments in cinematic settings
and Hope County, Montana from ‘Far Cry 5’ is no different.
It’s like you’re living inside a Netflix documentary about killer cults,
a feeling aided by the awesome live-action promo film released in the runup.
That really got me wishing for a full-length ‘Far Cry’ movie...
until I watched the one that already exists.
Let’s turn back the dial to 2008,
when ‘GTA IV’ tore up the charts,
Valve actually made new IP like ‘Left 4 Dead,’
and the Wii continued to dominate the market.
2008 also saw the release of ‘Far Cry,’
a movie based on Crytek’s 2004 first-person shooter,
and directed by the worst person to happen to video games since Jack Thompson:
Uwe Boll.
I hate video games...
On today’s Cut/Scene, we’re taking a look at the ill-advised adaptation to see where it went wrong,
and talk about
The 'Far Cry' Movie Time Forgot
If you watched our episode on ‘Doom,’
you’ll know that its biggest problem was that they based it on the wrong game.
Instead of adapting the 1993 original,
they used the atmosphere of the less-iconic ‘Doom 3.’
‘Far Cry’ has the exact opposite problem.
It took a few games for the series to become what it is today,
but for the movie, they
Jumped the Gun
How would you even define ‘Far Cry?’
There’s an underlying theme of man vs. wilderness,
of losing your humanity in a wide-open world and finding the warrior within,
but beyond that, the games have almost nothing in common.
Whether it’s battling malaria and mercenaries in a war-torn Africa,
or leading a Himalayan revolution,
every entry stands on its own with unique settings,
spanning from the prehistoric era to the neon synthwave future of ‘Blood Dragon.’
And boy, is that game a spicy meatball.
Pretty much any ‘Far Cry’ game would make for an awesome movie,
except for the first one,
which is, of course, the one they filmed.
On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate me?
Two!
A two? A two?!
Even though it's the first game, ‘Far Cry 1’ is an outlier in the series,
it’s the only game developed by Crytek before Ubisoft took over the franchise,
and unlike its subsequent open-world sequels,
‘Far Cry’ is a linear shooter with a wisecracking protagonist named Jack Carver,
Now, I know you won't believe me 'til I've got a gun pointed at your head, but it's true!
in the grand tradition of Duke Nukem or Serious Sam.
It’s less ‘Apocalypse Now!’ and more James Bond,
as you infiltrate an island stronghold controlled by a mad scientist named Dr. Krieger,
and his army of genetically modified monsters.
The story isn’t as deep as, say, Jason Brody’s metamorphosis into a cold-blooded killer,
but it could have made for a fun, cheesy action-fest in the vein of ‘Cobra’ or ‘Commando.’
But when you watch the movie, the only part of it that feels like ‘Far Cry,’
is when our hero distracts a guard by throwing a rock.
Check the woodline! Nine o'clock!
That’s it,
no towers, no skinning badgers into holsters,
no adorable doggies to pet whenever you damn well please.
But none of that stuff was in the first game anyway.
How did you know that?
Still, even if they made a ‘Far Cry 3’ movie,
with Michael Mondo playing Vaas,
it still would have been utter garbage in the hands of
Uwe Boll
Where do I even start with this guy?
His abuse of a German tax law that lets his movies lose millions while still showing a profit?
Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? You could have raised a million dollars, put on a 60,000 dollar flop, and kept the rest!
But what if the play was a hit?
Well, then you'd go to jail.
His penchant for flying off the handle and threatening to kick his critics asses,
then actually beating the shit out of them in boxing matches?
Uwe Boll has all the directing talent of Tommy Wiseau,
without the quick wit and charming personality.
Ha ha ha. What a story, Mark!
And if you’re a believer in the potential for games in cinema like I am,
his name should send chills straight down your spine.
Games have always struggled to be seen as a legitimate art form,
but Boll, and his string of awful adaptations in the 2000’s, has set the cause back decades.
I have no idea how he conned so many game publishers into handing over the rights to their precious IP,
but once he got his hands on them, he milked them for all it’s worth.
Boll, I'm Vince Desi, what the heck did you do to my game 'Postal?'
I don't know what your problem is the movie is great!
Oh, shit!
On top of ‘House of the Dead,’ Postal,’ and ‘Far Cry,’
he pumped out two ‘Alone in the Dark’ movies,
three ‘Bloodraynes,’
and of course, the prestigious ‘Dungeon Siege’ trilogy,
starring Ray Liotta.
How do you like my Krug?
They are a cruel abomination!
Ha ha ha ha!
Muah. Muah, muah!
If I think of dungeons, dragons, of swords being swiped, all I can think in my mind is
the fantasy majesty of Ray Liotta!
No one's going to Borovia, Karen!
Now, most Boll adaptations pretty much disregard the games they’re taken from,
but, to ‘Far Cry’s’ credit, it actually sticks pretty close to the source material,
way more than his other masterpieces like ‘House of the Dead,’
which could be more accurately titled ‘Spring Break Zombie Rave.’
Game over!
Sounds like fun.
All-American Jack Carver is played by ‘Inglourious Basterds’’ Til Schweiger,
who doesn’t even try to hide his Hugo Stiglitz accent.
Everybody in the German army's heard of Huge Stiglitz.
I'm very sorry but I don't know anyone by that name.
And schlocky-horror icon Udo Kier is great as the scenery-chewing villain.
Look, I’ve got nothing against bad movies.
GARBAGE DAY!!!
In the right environment, with the right mind-altering substances,
they can be an absolute blast.
Hi, Mom.
But in the hands of Uwe Boll,
this film is
A Far Cry from Fun
When I think of ‘Far Cry,’ I picture lush paradises,
exotic locales,
and jungles filled with… Pine trees?
Now, when a real movie takes place in a tropical setting,
the cast and crew usually slather on some bug spray and tough it out on location,
or at least someplace warm.
But why bother with an expensive shoot in Micronesia when you can just schlep on up to Canada?
The movie reportedly cost $30 million but I’ll be damned if I can see it.
They rented a nice pier, some guns, and a lot of pancake makeup,
but besides that, it just looks like your typical direct-to-DVD action flick.
The problem with ‘Far Cry’ is that it’s not even entertainingly bad.
Boll is at his most competent here,
with clear and readable action,
a pretty solid boat chase,
and some honestly impressive parkour fight scenes.
And I’ll hand it to him,
he’s not half bad at shooting people getting sawed in half.
Asshole.
Honestly, what really kills ‘Far Cry’ is his horrible sense of humor.
I mean, what do you expect from the man who brought us ‘Postal,’
one of the most offensive and offensively bad atrocities ever committed to film?
From Jack’s terrible one-liners,
to the most annoying action-comic relief since Rob Schneider,
Boll’s attempts at humor would bomb even if they were delivered by halfway-decent actors.
You mind if we sit? I have a feeling this is gonna take a while.
At least Anthony Bourdain doesn’t speak in his cameo,
Yeah, Anthony Bourdain is in this movie,
he was just filming his own show nearby, and he just kinda wandered onto set and they were like
'yeah, we'll kill you.'
You’d think the bad dialogue would at least make it easier to sit through, or funny,
How do you say 'friends?' Yeah, hi, excuse, me, yeah,
I don't know these people...
but honestly even Mike and the ‘bots from MST3K would have a hard time making ‘Far Cry’ entertaining.
If you’re gonna watch a disposable action movie, you can do a lot better,
but as an adaptation, you can do worse,
it’s just taken from a game that doesn’t represent what ‘Far Cry’ has become.
After Boll grew tired of video games,
and the German tax loophole closed,
he churned out a few more violent exploitation flicks before...
So. goodbye, and goodbye Hollywood.
That leaves a clear path for a new ‘Far Cry’ movie safe from his pestilent touch.
The rights are in Ubisoft’s hands again, and they’re producing a film based on the third game as we speak.
Sounds great, but given how their ‘Assassin’s Creed’ movie turned out,
I’m gonna hold judgement until I see the final film.
I know you guys love it, you've commented about how much you love the 'Assassin's Creed' movie... It's not for me.
What do you want from me?
Every time a new game adaptation is announced, I always get my hopes up,
only to walk away disappointed…
Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?
Doing the exact same thing, over and over and over and over again, thinking...
This time is gonna be different.