today we're going to be talking about what gaslighting is
and how to know when you're the victim of gaslighting
hi everyone most people have heard of the term gaslighting but for a lot of people they don't
have a clear sense of what gaslighting means or any of the signs and symptoms associated with
being gas-lit in today's video we're going to be talking about the psychological phenomenon
of gaslighting and some of the ways that gas lighting can affect you but before i get into
that just a couple of disclaimers to go over i'm a registered psychologist in the province
of british columbia canada and this video is for informational purposes only it is not intended
as a substitute or replacement for advice from your doctor or mental health professional now with
those things out of the way let's start talking about gaslighting now the american psychological
association defines gaslighting as attempts to manipulate another person into doubting his or her
perceptions experiences or understanding of events the term comes from this 1944 film named gaslight
in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing that she can't trust her
own perceptions of reality and he does this by altering aspects of her environment
in one scene of the movie the husband turns on gas lights in the attic of the house causing
them to flicker and when his wife asks why the gas lights are flickering the husband tells her
that's not really happening and that it's all in her mind causing her to question and doubt herself
and her own self-perceptions now at its core gaslighting is a form of manipulation a subtle
and covert type of emotional abuse where the person who's engaging in the gaslighting behavior
is bullying or misleading another person causing them to question their judgment
and sense of reality the person who is being gaslit starts to feel unsure about their
perception of the world and in extreme cases can start to begin to question their own sanity
gaslighting can occur in a number of different types of relationships uh including romantic
and intimate relationships uh in friendships in child parent relationships between co-workers
and in institutions um in romantic relationships the abusive partner may accuse the target of being
irrational or crazy they may isolate them from other people in order to undermine their
confidence and make it easier to control them in relationships between a child and a parent
abusive caregivers can use gas to control or shame their children they might accuse the
child of being too sensitive or belittle them or cause them to misremember events
when they were younger in friendships gaslighting can be used by one friend to
manipulate or control the other friend this can result in a non-reciprocal relationship in which
one friend is always doing things for the benefit of the other friend
in work relationships gaslighting can be used by one co-worker to establish a false sense of
authority or power or control over another worker and so thereby placing themselves in a position
of authority that they don't actually have gaslighting can also be used in ways to undermine
co-workers who might be seen as potential competitors for promotion or career advancement
and gaslighting can even occur at institutional levels in a company
or an organization for example an organization may deny or hide information lie to their
employees or withhold information about their rights or portray employees who are vocal in
their disagreement of company policies as being incompetent or mentally unwell
now there typically tends to be a power dynamic
in gaslighting usually the person engaging in the gaslighting behavior either starts out as
holding a position of power over the target of the gas lighting or through the gaslighting behavior
develops or builds a power dynamic the person who's being ghastly usually starts starts out by
giving the person doing the gaslighting power and respect at least early on in the relationship
typically the person who is the target of the gaslighting cares about the opinion of the
other person so much that they don't want to take any chance of upsetting or losing
the person and this leaves the target of the gas lighting increasingly vulnerable to being gas-lit
now i think it's important to understand that as the term gaslighting has become more commonly
used the scope and nature of what gaslighting represents has been expanded often inappropriately
people will now use the term gaslighting to inappropriately criticize or attack someone
who merely disagrees with them my boss is gaslighting me because
they're constantly criticizing my work and asking me to do things differently
this isn't necessarily an example of gaslighting it may be that i'm not doing a very good job and
that my boss is giving me corrective feedback on how i can do things better
a lot of the time gas lighting is used incorrectly to refer to conflict or disagreements among people
a person may accuse someone of gaslighting them because they disagree about something with
the other person they may accuse the person of gaslighting if they're being assertive insisting
on their opinion or when someone is trying to influence them now assertiveness and trying to
exert influence over another person that's not gaslighting just because someone disagrees
with you or you're having conflict with someone those aren't those aren't signs of gaslighting
gaslighting is distinct from typical conflict situations because in gaslighting only one
person is listening and considering the other person's perspective while the person who's
engaging in gaslighting is attempting to confuse the target's perceptions insisting
that they're wrong or that their emotional reactions are crazy or unhinged in some way
so with that background understanding of what gaslighting is and what it isn't
how do you know if you're being gasoline what are some of the common signs that you're the victim
of gaslighting what i want to talk about is a number of examples of signs and symptoms
you're being ghastly so one is that you you're constantly second-guessing yourself you question
your judgment and your perceptions and you become fearful of talking about how you feel you may
perceive that sharing your opinion usually results in you feeling worse or triggering an argument so
you don't say anything at all you may wonder if your recollection of events is
accurate you question your memory and you stop telling people things that have happened
because you're afraid that you misre that you misremembered them you feel vulnerable
and insecure in the relationship you feel on edge wondering when something bad is going to happen
this is kind of a sense of walking on eggshells around your partner friend or family member
you might dwell on a perceived character flaw in yourself like you're not a good enough person or
you're generally too sensitive
you've probably heard the person tell you that they were just that they were just
joking or that you need to be less sensitive and so this causes you to start to question
whether or not you are just being too sensitive or if you just don't have a very good sense of humor
um you become convinced that people around you think you're unstable crazy or unhinged
just like you feel when you're interacting with the person
who's gaslighting you as a result you start to feel alone scared and powerless
you may have difficulty making decisions because you mistrust yourself or your judgment
as a result you allow other people to make decisions for you in order to avoid making
the wrong decision now in the gaslighting this role in the gaslighting relationship you may defer
decisions to the other person to avoid ending up in an argument or avoid being criticized
and that's that can contribute to that power dynamic i was talking about mentioning earlier
you feel confused about your relationship feeling like you thought you had a wonderful partner
but when you're together you feel like you're crazy you question the relationship wondering
what exactly is going on why are these problems happening which can lead you to questioning what
your role what your role might be playing in the relationship difficulties
and this can result in you continuing to view your partner
as wonderful and that the difficulties in the relationship are there because of your fault
you may often find yourself in arguments with your partner that you didn't intend to have and
you don't know how you got into those arguments in the first place you were just asking about who was
going to take out the garbage and suddenly you end up in this huge argument or do you
find that you're not making any progress dealing with relationship problems or that you're saying
the same things over and over and over again but it doesn't seem to be making any difference
you might feel unclear and confused about who you are your thoughts your feelings your beliefs
you might question if maybe you're actually the person who you feel like when you're
around the person who's gaslighting you you question if you are wrong if you are
inadequate or crazy and you may find yourself saying these things to yourself
um you're always apologizing for something you find yourself apologizing or feeling the need
to apologize all the time you apologize for the things that you do you apologize for who you are
and this can generalize beyond the interactions with the person who's gaslighting you
and it can spread into other interactions and other relationships which has a negative which can
have a negative impact on your self-confidence and potentially how other people view you you assume
that you're always letting everyone down and you're constantly apologetic for it
and related to this you might feel inadequate much of the time you never feel like you're good enough
as you constantly feeling you constantly feel like you're failing to meet the expectations of
the person who's gaslighting you you might develop unrealistic and perfectionistic
standards perceiving that if you were better or if you just did things better you wouldn't
be having the difficulties that you're having with the person who's gaslighting you
you find yourself frequently making excuses for your partner's behavior
it can be difficult to recognize if your partner is manipulating you or if you're being gaslit
that's one of the challenges because gaslighting leads to such uncertainty and confusion
as to what's going on and therefore you might find yourself making excuses for your partner's
behavior um they're just experiencing a lot of stress at work right now um they
didn't sleep well last night they're just going through a difficult time those types of things
and as a result you dismiss the gaslighting behavior explaining it away is due to
situational factors for your partner rather than anything that they're intending to do
you find yourself generally unhappy in your life but you don't really have a clear sense of
why as i noted earlier gaslighting is associated with such confusion and uncertainty as to what is
real and what's actually going on additionally gaslighting usually occurs in important
and meaningful relationships in your life and so therefore
the combination of challenges in these important relationships and confusion as to
what's even going on can contribute to you feeling discouraged sad or helpless
and finally you have a feeling that something is wrong but you just don't know what it is
you might have a sense of impending doom like something bad is always about to happen
you may feel threatened or on edge and don't really know why like there's this dark cloud over
you or this sword of damocles hanging over you all the time and that something bad is going to happen
now the thing is a lot of these symptoms that i've talked about can also occur with anxiety disorders
or depression or when a person is experiencing low self-esteem the key difference though is that
with gaslighting there's another person who's actively engaged in trying to make you
feel this way trying to make you second guess what you know or believe to be true
so if you're if you find that you're not experiencing the symptoms or difficulties
with other people in your life but only in that specific relationship then it's probably
a good sign that you're being gaslit and not that it's a more general problem with you
so i hope that gives you a better sense of what gaslighting is and some of the common signs
and symptoms of gaslighting now i'm going to be talking about gaslighting
more in future videos including videos on identifying common signs of gaslighting
and ways of coping when you find yourself in a relationship characterized by gaslighting
um i'd love to hear your questions or comments or thoughts about this topic of gas lighting so
please leave me some comments in the comments section down below if you've been enjoying my
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thank you for making it all the way to the end of this video and i will see you in the next one