HUGE DAY TODAY.
TODAY, HUGE, MASSIVE!
YOU AMERICANS LOVE THIS DAY FOR SOME REASON.
OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT GROUNDHOG DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SEE?
REG, HOW IN THE WORLD HAS THIS TRADITION HELD ON?
>> Reggie: WELL, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF IT WAS -- YOU KNOW, IT
HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, THE TRADITION OF -- YOU KNOW,
HAPPENED IN PUNXSUTAWNEY, THERE WAS A GROUNDHOG, AND IF IT SAW
ITS SHADOW, IT MEANT ONE OF THE WAYS OF SPRING WAS GOING TO BE
LATE OR EARLY, BUT IT WAS REALLY ENFORCED BY THE MOVIE
"GROUNDHOGS DAY" STARRING BILL MURRAY.
>> James: YES.
I WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, THE MOVIE IS A MASTERPIECE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT SHOULD UPHOLD TRADITION
TILL THE END OF TIME.
BUT THE ACTUAL TRADITION OF THE GROUNDHOG, THE PEOPLE ARE
GENUINELY INTO IT.
THEY'RE, OH, WE'LL FIND OUT TOMORROW WHAT THE GROUNDHOG
SAYS.
I HAVE A THEORY, AND THAT'S WHETHER OR NOT THE GROUNDHOG
SEES HIS SHADOW, THE SAME THING HAPPENS.
JUST A THEORY.
I CAN'T PROVE IT.
IT'S MY THEORY.
MOVING ON, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES TODAY.
TODAY WAS THE DEADLINE FOR RAMP TO FILE.
TRUMP IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT, AND LAWYERS WILL BE ARGUING THAT
THE TRIAL IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
I'M GOING TO USE THIS THE NEXT TIME A COP PULLS ME OVER.
I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "WELL, I'M NO LONGER SPEEDING.
I WAS, I'M NOT NOW.
THEREFORE, THIS TICKET IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I KNOW SOMEHOW WEIRDLY YOU
DON'T HAVE TO, BUT CAN YOU PUT A MASK ON BECAUSE YOU'RE QUITE
CLOSE TO MY WINDOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ALL COMES AFTER TRUMP'S
PREVIOUS LEGAL TEAM QUIT OVER THE WEEKEND.
AND ACCORDING TO NEW REPORTS IT WAS MORE THAN JUST A
DIFFERENCE IN APPROACH.
TRUMP AND HIS LAWYERS ALSO HAD DISAGREEMENTS OVER HOW MUCH HE
WAS GOING TO PAY THEM.
THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE THE DONALD TRUMP I KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS A DISAGREEMENT OVER
MONEY.
THE LAWYERS WANTED $3 MILLION, WHEREAS TRUMP WANTED TO PAY THEM
NOTHING AND THEN MAKE FUN OF THEM ON CABLE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS NOW LOOKING INTO REVOKING TRUMP'S ACCESS TO
INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS, A COURTESY TRADITIONALLY GIVEN TO
EX-PRESIDENTS.
REVOKING DONALD TRUMP'S ACCESS TO INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS.
THAT'S LIKE REVOKING A DOLPHIN'S ACCESS TO AN XBOX.
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, TRUMP FAMOUSLY
SKIPPED INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
SO THIS WOULD BE LIKE IF I GOT FIRED FROM THIS JOB AND PEOPLE
WERE, LIKE, SORRY, JAMES, YOU CAN NO LONGER GO INTO STU'S
OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WOULD BE, LIKE, RIGHT,
WHO'S STU?
SOME BIG NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF TECH.
EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON, JEFF BEZOS ANNOUNCED THAT, EFFECTIVE
THIS SUMMER, HE WILL BE STEPPING DOWN AS C.E.O. OF AMAZON.
>> Reggie: YES!
>> James: YES.
I WONDER WHAT HE'LL DO FOR MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) BEZOS WILL BE STAYING ON UNTIL
SUMMER.
ON HIS FINAL DAY, HE'LL BE BOXED UP, COVERED IN PACKING PEANUTS,
AND DROPPED ON HIS FAMILY'S DOORSTEP.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY AMAZON
-- AM I SAYING IT RIGHT, BEZOS?
>> Reggie: BEZOS.
>> James: BEZOS.
>> Reggie: BEZOS.
>> James: BEZOS.
BEZOS.
>> James: BEZOS.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY AMAZON NEWS TODAY.
THE TECH GIANT ALSO UNVEILED THE DESIGN FOR ITS NEW $2.5 BILLION
HEADQUARTERS IN NORTHERN VIRGINIA, WHICH WILL FEATURE A
350-FOOT-TALL TOWER CALLED THE HELIX.
HERE IT IS HERE.
LOOK AT THAT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM MADE OF GLASS, AND FOR
THAT REASON ALONE, I'M FOR IT.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THE OTHER BUILDINGS
AROUND IT HERE.
EVEN IN THE ARTIST'S RENDERING, THOSE OTHER BUILDINGS LOOK LIKE
THEY'RE TOTALLY GOSSIPPING ABOUT THIS NEW SWIRLY TOWER.
LOOK AT THIS GUY, WHO THE HELL DULLS HE THINK HE IS?
AMAZON'S NEW HEADQUARTERS WILL ALSO HAVE AN OUTDOOR
AMPHITHEATER, A DOG RUN, AND PARKING FOR ALMOST 1,000 BIKES.
NO LIVING WAGES FOR WAREHOUSE EMPLOYEES, BUT-- AGAIN-- A DOG
RUN!
( LAUGHTER ) JEFF BEZOS CALLED HERE AND SAID
I WANT TO WORK HERE ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW," WOULD WE GIVE HIM A
JOB?
>> 100%.
>> James: YEAH?
WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE JEFF BEZOS WORK HERE.
>> James: THERE YOU GO.
THINGS ARE LOOKING UP ALREADY.
WHAT WOULD YOU YOU DO?
>> SCRIPT COORDINATOR?
>> James: DO YOU THINK?
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU THINK?
>> MARKETING, MAYBE?
>> James: YEAH, I THINK I WOULD GIVE HIM A JOB.
LISTEN, JEFF, WE'LL FIND SOMETHING FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
THE DOOR'S NOT CLOSED.
ARE THERE ANY OTHER LATE NIGHT SHOW BEING OPEN WITH JEFF
TONIGHT?
>> NO.
START AS A P.A.
>> James: HE'S GOT TO WORK HIS WAY UP.
BEZOS, GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE NOW!
SWIRLING AROUND HERE WITH HIS MUSCLES.
HE IS RIPPED.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HIS ARMS?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS PRETTY COOL.
NIKE HAS JUST ANNOUNCED A NEW KIND OF SHOE.
IT'S A NO-LACE, SLIP-ON SNEAKER THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE THE USE OF
HANDS TO PUT ON AND TAKE OFF.
TAKE A LOOK.
THERE THEY ARE, LOOK AT THAT.
EASY ON, EASY OFF.
>> Reggie: I WANT IT NOW.
>> James: EASY OFF.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> Reggie: GREAT.
>> James: GOOD IDEA.
NOW DO PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ALL I WOULD EVER WANT.
THAT'S WHAT BEZOS SHOULD BE WORKING ON RIGHT NOW, A PAIR OF
PANTS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP TO PUT THEM ON AND OFF.
LAY THEM ON THE FLOOR AND YOU JUST SORT OF SIT AND THEY --
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL THESE AREN'T GOING TO
WORK.
I FEEL YOU WILL STILL BE USING ONE FINGER.
YOU WILL STILL BE, LIKE, OH, MY THING'S CAUGHT.
WAIT ONE MINUTE, GUYS, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE YOUR
HANDS BUT THIS GOT CAUGHT.
AND THAT'S ALL IT WILL BE.
YOU WANT A PAIR OF THESE, DO YOU, REG?
>> Reggie: SO BAD.
I HATE LACES.
>> James: THE THING WITH THESE SNEAKERS THAT SLIP ON AND OFF,
WEAR THEM, DON'T, DOESN'T CARE WHAT KIND OF SHOES YOU'RE
WEARING, I'M STILL DUNKING YOUR ASS WHEN WE GET ON THE BB
COURSE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THAT'S A FACT.
I'M A BORN BALLER.
I'M LIKE WHAT'S HIS NAME, YOKICH.
>> LUKADANTICH.
>> James: THAT'S THE ONE.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
WOULD YOU GO 100% VELCRO?
I WORRY ABOUT VELCRO ON THE WAISTBAND.
I DON'T WANT TO BE SITTING DOWN AND TALKING TO SOMEONE AND
HEAR -- ( SCRATCHING )
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SIT DOWN TO DINNER.
YOU WANT DESSERTS?
YEAH, YOU'RE DIGGING IN AND TALKING ON AND THEN JUST --
( SCRATCHING SOUND ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEY'RE, LIKE, WE SHOULD HEAD OFF YOU GUYS GO.
I'LL MEET YOU OUT THERE.
AAAHHH!
>> Reggie: THAT'S TOUGH.
>> James: AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS?
THE TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY RECENTLY ISSUED AN AMBER
ALERT FOR A MISSING CHILD THAT WAS A BIT UNUSUAL, AND WE THINK
YOU'LL SEE WHY.
HERE'S THE VERY REAL MESSAGE THAT WENT OUT, WE'RE NOT
KIDDING.
IT WAS FOR CHUCKY, FROM THE "CHILD'S PLAY" HORROR FILMS.
IT WAS A JOKE FOR INTERNAL TESTING PURPOSES, AND THEY
ACCIDENTALLY SENT IT OUT STATEWIDE.
HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW IT WAS A JOKE: IF SOMEBODY REALLY
KIDNAPPED CHUCKY, CHUCKY'S NOT THE ONE WE SHOULD BE WORRIED
ABOUT.
AND THIS WAS A SURPRISE, THE ALERT SAID CHUCKY IS
28-YEARS-OLD.
LOOK AT THAT.
IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S TIME TO START GOING BY "CHARLES."
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE HAVE TO GET
SERIOUS HERE FOR A MOMENT.
YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, PRANKSTERS CHANGED TWO LETTERS ON THE
FAMOUS "HOLLYWOOD" SIGN, SO THE SIGN READ "HOLLYBOOB."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
AT LEAST SIX PEOPLE WERE DETAINED, AND IMMEDIATELY
HIGH-FIVED.
CAN WE LOOK AT THAT AGAIN?
IN MY OPINION, THEY COULD HAVE SPENT A LITTLE MORE TIME ON THAT
IF YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO SEE IT THROUGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU'VE GOT TO EAT DOOR IT OR DON'T.
THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF GOING TO KINKO'S AND PRINTING
OUT A FULL TARP FOR THE FIRST "B."
DIDN'T PUT IT UP COMPLETELY RIGHT.
BUT BY THE SECOND ONE, THEY WERE JUST LIKE "LET'S JUST PUT A DASH
THROUGH THE 'D' AND CALL IT A DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT TURNS OUT THE PRANKSTERS
ARE OPERATING ON BOTH COASTS.
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY JUST DID IN NEW YORK CITY.
RADIO CITY MUSIC BALLS.
( LAUGHTER )