(hard industrial rock)
- I'm here in front of the Comfort Inn in Alton, Illinois.
On the houseboat in the parking lot.
I have a rash between my balls and my asshole.
(laughter)
Guys, let me just explain something.
Wetsuit etiquette, you pee in your wetsuit,
it's just a thing you do, all right?
It's great, it's the only time you get to pee in pants.
Now normally I'm in the water when I'm wearing a wetsuit.
What I've never done is peed in a wetsuit and then sat
on a jet ski for eight hours, totally dry.
Because then what happens next morning,
wake up and it looks like someone's taken a cheese grater
to inside of your thighs and your butt-hole.
Right?
That's right! Yeah!
- You wanna cover the rash and everything surrounding it.
- Ugh.
And then even worse, you have to have another grown man
help you apply ointment to your balls and asshole.
- We're gonna apply this a few times today.
- Oh, wow, a lot.
- All right, let's go.
We are fucking late.
(rollicking western guitar)
We've launched!
Yeah!
Mississippi River!
Take me to your lover!
First day of the trip, fucking disaster, all right?
Ran out of gas, stuck in a lock, butt-hole rash,
we didn't even make it half as far as we needed to.
So day two, we need to seriously make up for lost time.
I needed to meet Jon Daly to do a lunchtime comedy show
in St. Louis, which was 80 miles away.
Now, 80 miles in a car, it's nothing, easy.
But 80 miles of jet ski on the Mississippi?
Riding a jet ski 80 miles is kinda like straddling
a horrible bucking horse that shoots industrial waste
out of its own asshole.
It becomes a battle against the river.
What do you need when you're battling a force of nature?
Human companionship.
Wait a second, who's that?
Oh, shit!
It's Jon Daly!
- Ahhhh!
Let's go to St. Louis!
- Let's go to St. Louis!
(emotional rock music)
- Oh man, I love you America!
Welcome to St. Louis!
We made it!
The Windy City!
Arch, Arch, Arch, Arch!
- [Both] Arch! Arch! Arch!
(driving country rock)
- Get some petroleum jelly on them?
- Supposed to dry it out,
but I don't know why you would want
to dry your ball area out.
- I have a theory about you, and I think it's true.
- Really?
What?
- You wanna make your balls famous.
(laughter)
You want everyone in the world
to know how big your balls are.
- It's one of the most interesting things about me.
- Well now it's an open secret.
- This is the water that makes the horrible smell here.
- Does all St. Louis smell like shit garbage,
or just this one alley that we chose?
- It's definitely the one alley we chose to walk down.
Ready to do this?
- Yeah. - All right.
- Never been more ready to do jet ski show.
- After you, buddy. - Thank you sir.
- [Announcer] Give it up for our dude, Jon Daly.
(audience cheers)
- Oh yeah!
Hey!
How's it going?
Big Daddy, give it up!
All right, thank so much for coming out!
You enjoying those ribs?
- [Audience Man] Oh yeah!
- Oh yeah!
Got those ribs and bibs.
For every rib you eat today,
there's a person in Africa that is not eating a rib.
(laughter)
The importance of what we're doing cannot be overstated.
We're here because of Kurt Braunohler,
the Bono of the new century.
This guy's taking over, he's Bono without that dumb accent.
And he's not all slick and Hollywood and full of shit!
Wearing dumb sunglasses and getting out of limos like this.
(audience laughs)
Enjoy your ribs, and wear your bibs.
Here he is, one of the best people I've ever known,
Kurt Braunohler.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Daly!
Guys, thank you so much for coming out.
Hello!
Guys, I did some research about St. Louis,
and I dunno if you guys knew this.
In 2012, 150 people were murdered in St. Louis.
But in 2013, only 120 people were murdered in St. Louis.
(audience applauds)
Get your shit together!
This show is for you,
the 30 people who were not murdered in St. Louis this year.
(audience laughs)
You did it, St. Louis!
And I wanna propose something to all of you
who are here with us right now.
I'm gonna do a publicity stunt to get the word out
about this charity effort.
So I want you guys, the 30 people not murdered
in St. Louis this year, to pull Jon Daly and I on a jet ski,
underneath the St. Louis Arch.
(laughter)
Who's in?
(audience cheers)
All right, half of you are in!
That's enough!
Let's go to the Arch soon!
(the storm rumbles)
(foreboding electronica)
- [Minnow] Hey guys.
- [Man] What's up?
- [Kurt] Our jet ski arrived before we were ready.
- We got busted.
- We're getting in trouble with the Parks Department.
It's for Comedy Central,
it's a charity show called Roustabout.
So here we are, we're just trying to get media attention
for the whole charity effort, all right?
And it never occurs to us that, I don't know,
maybe the National Parks Service might worry about
a bunch of weirdos wheeling stuff under a national monument.
Maybe they think we're towing
a hilarious jet ski shaped bomb.
(audience laughs)
But, we're gonna get it done.
- Pull it through, but we pull it through illegally.
- Yeah, let's talk to them.
- Hey, I'm Kurt.
Hey nice to meet you man.
Yeah, so--
- This is when he's gotta work that Braunohler magic.
- Yeah, work that Braunohler charm.
- The whole thing is about like,
what's the dumbest way to make the world a better place,
and so we were gonna make the world a better place
in St. Louis by jet skiing underneath the Arch
and kind of celebrating St. Louis.
We just literally just wanna like,
roll it through and that's it.
(thunder cracks)
- Holy shit! (laughter)
Wow, that was insane.
- And we're sitting there, we're all like,
no way is this happening.
What's your name again?
Jay, Kurt.
Thank you so much man.
And then this guy Jay, is just like, sure, we can do that!
Right on, Jay!
(epic orchestral music)
(laughter)
I can't believe this is actually happening.
- [Crew Man] Heads up, everybody.
- St. Louis, we love ya!
- Woo!
(laughter)
- Now it was time to break a world record,
and jet ski two comedians under the St. Louis Arch.
(laughter)
The first to jet ski under the Arch!
- [Jon] Yeah!
We're under the Arch! - St. Louis!
We did it for you!
- [Jon] We're under the Arch!
- Now, this seemed like a great idea when we thought it up.
- There's children! - What?
To be honest, nobody gave a shit.
The only person who was excited about it
was a six year old girl who didn't even know
what the fuck was going on.
- [Crew Man] Whoa.
(laughter)
But hey, sometimes you gotta have bad ideas, all right?
Here's the four people from St. Louis that showed up!
Although I did make some friends.
Yeah, big hug, big group hug!
Including a nice homeless man who just really seemed
like he wanted a hug.
- [Homeless Man] Thank you!
It has been real!
- One two three, St. Louis!
- [All] St. Louis!
- STL baby!
- Stay close to the shore.
Watch out for the bodies.
- Watch for the bodies? - Bodies?
- And cor-uhps.
- Do the bodies go in the middle?
- I couldn't tell you that.
(laughter)
- In short, the Arch.
Nailed it.
(ringing guitar chord)
(heavy industrial music)
- Okay, so the Arch was a bad idea.
But you know what's a good idea?
You, clicking on this link,
and donating to Heifer right now!
Do it!
Give some money to these good people.
Come on!