well it is uh truly a pleasure to welcome my next guest this gentleman is one of the most popular
intelligent and funny comedians of all time please welcome to our show mr george carlin
george good to see you how are you sir thank you i'm fine
thank you
nice to see you thank you very much for being here you're uh you're actually you're from
this area aren't you yeah i'm a new york boy from manhattan yeah upper west side
and uh this floor in this building has a little to do with me too i i think it was about 24
years ago when i did my first jack parr show no kidding across the hall yeah that's right in fact
it was arlene francis was the guest host i think that's one of the reasons i got on it
but uh yeah this has a lot of a lot of memories everything up and down manhattan do you remember
other guests on the show that night aside from the guest host arthur schlesinger jr the historian and
artie shaw yeah that was the only tour i remember i don't know who the singer was in the first 15
minutes remember oh yeah that's right it used to be an hour and 45 minutes right a singer would
come on and leave and never be seen again and how did you do did you uh big laughs yeah pretty well
i had a partner then it was burns and carlin right and we did our nixon in kennedy it was 1960. yeah
and we did our huntley brinkley nixon kennedy and killed them and weren't seen again for four years
uh when you were growing up here and and uh working here and maybe even 90s do you follow the
sports teams did you were you a big fan well this is a good time to be in new york oh yeah but the
basketball team is doing so well met's looking good uh yeah i'm a sports fan uh of course i
only i only uh care about the three real sports uh baseball basketball and football the rest of those
things aren't really sports now wait a minute don't qualify a sport hockey hockey not a sport
no well no let me explain it to you nothing personal it's an activity
uh actually it's a combination of three things ice skating fighting and the game of hockey
my suggestion is that they should do these things one at a time
let the meat play a game of hockey go to the bar have a fight and then go ice skating
uh all right now you're you're also excluding in here uh tennis and golf tennis is a form of
ping pong it happens to be ping pong played on the table uh-huh uh soccer soccer can't use the
arms how could it be a sport yeah any activity where you exclude the arms cannot be a sport uh
no meaningful statistics in soccer goals scored with your head is about the only thing i've seen
can't be a sport golf uh golf you hit a ball with a crooked stick and walk after
it and hit it again yeah doesn't sound like a sport to me doesn't qualify golf is where
businessmen get together to decide how to screw the rest of us out of our money
can't be a sport oh um would you uh are any other rule changes or any new sports that you you would
be interested i might change a couple of rules for just for interest for uh
entertainment value in football i think during the last quarter they should be able to use knives
little thing but it might pick up the ratings yeah yeah uh in soccer i have a suggestion that
one guy should have a motorcycle and be allowed to ride the ball into the goal you'd still have
a goalie but it would be up to him to stop the motorcycle yeah yeah little thing in
in baseball i would i would have in the outfield 20 or 30 randomly placed mine shafts
a little excitement just a really deep pole sunk in the outfit and every now and then i
gotta go soon and and how would you score that uh i think that would be an error
uh all right i tell you i know you have some more thoughts about the sport reports here
okay i'll hold them i'll hold those and we'll do a commercial and we'll be back with mr george carlin
thank you folks carolyn is here uh i just i just wanted to mention this i saw uh your program on
a cable outlet in this country which i guess it was been a while ago now that it was about
a year it's been on about a year now but it's terrific very funny stuff all right yeah okay um
new sports yeah this is uh on the order of the new rules but it's a little i guess uh well
they're actually sports based on existing sports for instance cross-country bowling
can be a longer game you can spend more time at the alley uh how about full contact chess
sounds good kick golf we have kick boxing that's right kick golf might be nice uh
figure eight demolition wheelchair would be voluntary yeah of course yeah uh
off-water boating gee i never now how would that work well you have off-road racing
yeah so you just you have you'd have to have a course uh especially made obviously
i haven't sure i haven't given these a lot of thought david but the germ of the idea
is what's important and all that my job is just suggesting things right thank god i don't have
to implement that's right you don't have to hire a committee or anything just come up with the idea
uh you know hang gliding is very popular i thought hang fencing would be very you know
but uh i'll try to work on some of the rules if you like for later sure yeah if you could
keep us posted uh now do you ever ever uh of course with a guy that is as recognizable as you
it must be tough for you to actually go see like a basketball game a baseball game or whatever
i get to you know as much as i can i'm not a fierce fan in that respect i don't have
to be there uh to enjoy it i i did have my heart attack two years ago came at a mets dodgers game
uh yeah and i'm really glad that there was a close game because you know those dodger
fans leave early usually and uh if they'd have been in that parking lot i'd have never
gotten to the hospital yet but i got out in time yeah i i get out to the games i uh
uh i forget what that was gonna lead me into dave i had a a real good thought getting to the games
yeah being uh being a real fan out there god we'll just have to pass on that one or something huh do
you want to do you want to you can pass on it and go on to the next category or we can consult an
expert well i'd like to go on to the next category okay let's go on to the next category because the
next category is something that's dear to my heart but now this is for me also this is auto racing
yeah and and you're an indianapolis fellow that's right uh i have a jackie stewart impression that i
do it's the only impression i do in my uh life and it's uh kind of special i'd like to do it
from from the seat here you know jackie stewart of course being the scottish uh abc announcer right
i have to have to work into this because the voice doesn't accommodate it automatically
this is jackie stewart jack is yours here at talladega raceway you're a tallabaga raceway
yes hold on wait a minute now wait a minute there's a car on fire in the fair torn
it's mario andretti's car mario andretti's car is on fire in the third turn
here comes a.j foyt here comes kel yabro they're all on fire in the far torn
you know that that more than makes up for getting uh what that last category i think i was i forgot
the other because i was so anxious to do jackie yeah well you did a fine job i have something
to finish with from the spot all right if you don't mind and it deals with sports i'll i'll
say goodbye to you now and i'll see you another time please come back george thanks for being here
let me try this from over all right monologue spot this is just a comparison of baseball and football
uh it occurred to me that these two activities baseball and football are very much we consider
them very much a part of our lives in fact that we argue about which one is the number one sport
and yet they're so different uh and you can tell from the terms that are related to them baseball
is 19th century it's pastoral 19th century football is 20th century it's technological
baseball is baseball is played on a diamond in a park the baseball park
football is played on a gridiron in a stadium war memorial stadium in baseball you wear a cap in
football you wear a helmet baseball has a seventh inning stretch football has a two-minute warning
baseball has no time limit we don't know how long it's gonna last we may have
extra innings football is rigidly timed and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death
football is based on downs what
down is it baseball is based on ups who's up are you up i'm not up
in football you get a penalty in baseball you make an error whoops
in baseball in the stands there's kind of a picnic feeling emotions may run high but
there's not that much unpleasantness in football in the stands you can be sure that at least 27
times during the game you are capable of taking the life of a fellow human being
preferably a stranger now to sum it up the object of the game is quite different in football the
object of the game is for the quarterback known as the field general to be on target with his passes
riddling the defense riddling that defense with an accurate aerial attack in spite of a blitz even if
he has to use the shotgun with short bullet passes and long bombs he marches his troops into enemy
territory balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in
the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line in baseball the object is to go home i'm going home