- [Announcer] Live from Blendview,
it's your channel 3 news family.
Your anchors, Meredith Waters and Roger Grabbit.
Our trusty weather woman, Dallas Floods.
Field reporters Kent News and Alison Raniere.
And in charge of Blandview sports center,
Boris "The Football" Johnson.
Channel 3 news, your number one local station
for useless small stories that only make you feel
like your neighborhood is completely unsafe.
- Oh, you silly bunny. - Yeah.
- Oh, and we're back!
Roger, did you have a nice commercial break?
- Well, any day I get to stare into your eyes
is a good day to me.
- Oh, you!
- Ooh, have you been working out?
- Oh, come on now, we have to do the news.
- Okay, you go first.
- No, you go first.
- No, you!
- Okay, a headless dead corpse was found
in the bottom of a well early this morning.
Officials say the body has not been identified,
but it was 100% strangled.
- And in other news, a new report finds
that puppies are cuter than babies, to me.
- Hi everyone, we are going to be experiencing
some high-speed winds this weekend, going counterclockwise,
specifically in this area and this area,
which will also lead to some heavy rain and sleet
in this area, and this area as well.
So we'll really wanna be paying attention
to these two areas this weekend.
- Oh, wow.
- And obviously, in these specific areas,
we'll really wanna be paying attention
to the ice on the roads while driving.
- Sorry, Dallas, I don't know how to tell you this,
but uh-
- It looks like boobs!
- Pardon me?
- You drew booms on the screen.
It's boobs.
- You are a sick pervert, Roger, and I will come for you!
(Ian and Kimmy laughing)
- Dallas.
- Just a little technical snafu, it's not really boobs.
- Yeah, let's check in with our field reporter, Kent,
who's on the scene at the Blandview strawberry parade.
Hey Kent, can you explain to us
why the hell this is a thing?
- Well, Meredith, the strawberry parade
has a long history here in Blandview.
And as it turns out, the strawberries don't even walk in it.
(Shayne laughs)
- (laughs) Oh, Kent.
And how's the turnout this year?
- No one is here, Meredith.
- Okay, sorry, folks.
It seems like maybe there's a little bit of a lag here.
- No, I don't think so, Meredith, I have great signal.
(dramatic electronic music)
- Today in major Blandview sports news,
we got the Bulls playing the Lakers.
Canyon Elementary School, here at the division two
soccer field for ages six and under!
It has been an absolute bloodbath!
Timmy Mathis has already taken a potty
in the cooler twice now, earning him a red card,
because as we all know, around these parts,
the cooler is for orange slices and Capri Sun only!
Rest in peace, Dunkaroos!
Next up in local news, what's up?
Craig, are you kidding me?
We have no local sports to do?
Great, cool, no, fine.
Today in personal news, a dog has been found in my yard,
humping my birdhouse!
Let's pull up the stats!
As you can see, the dog got a few pumps in my mailbox
before making his way down the field
to the birdhouse in the third quarter of my shower.
- Going to Alison now for our live traffic report!
- Thank you, Roger!
Today, on Silver Lane Street,
cars are backed up in bumper to bumper traffic
due to a pigeon giving birth.
The pigeon was on the sidewalk,
but everybody parked their cars in the middle of the road
to see what gender the baby was.
- Now, Alison, I'm so sorry.
You said giving birth.
Was this a live birth from the pigeon?
How is that possible?
- I don't make the rules, Meredith.
I just report them!
- After 64 years, the Blandview library is closing
due to budget cuts.
In an interview with the librarian, Libby Resnick,
she said, I hid the money in my mouth.
It's all there in the back of my mouth right now.
- Oh, sorry, folks, it sounds like we had an error
with the teleprompter there.
- No, we did not.
- Gonna be a crazy storm this Sunday,
starting up north, and then spreading as it goes more south,
causing this interesting comb pattern that you see here.
- That's a poop, Dallas!
- You drew poop on the map.
(Courtney barking)
- And Kent, we are still waiting to hear
the answer to that question we asked 15 minutes ago.
How many people are enjoying the strawberries at the parade?
- No one, Meredith, I'm the only one here.
- Next up, the latest victim
of the Blandview strangler has been identified.
- 34-year-old Jeff Chantis was found
at the bottom of a well.
Apparently dumped there by the Blandview strangler himself.
Witnesses described the suspect to a police sketch artist,
and officials are urging anyone who's seen this person
to report them to the police immediately.
Gee, Meredith, that person looks an awful lot like you.
- Dozens more remains have been left to be identified.
Now back to the weather.
- Coming through the weekend,
we're gonna have a lot of cumulus clouds rolling through
in a very oddly specific pattern,
which hopefully means we'll have some sunshine
here in Blandview.
- Yeah, that certainly is an oddly specific pattern.
- (laughs) And yeah, Dallas don't mean to do this
to you again, but.
- What is it now, Meredith?
What do you have against the weather, huh?
It's science!
Science is real, Meredith!
We're gonna talk about this in the break room, Meredith!
(Courtney barks) Meredith!
Back to you, Meredith.
- All righty, Kent is now live with the organizer
of the strawberry festival to get the inside scoop.
Kent?
- Thanks, Meredith, I'm here with Stuart,
the event organizer,
Stuart, what can you tell us about this festival?
- Well, we've got the best strawberries
in all of Blandview.
Did you get a chance to try any?
Is he okay?
- No.
- If you think it's boobs, that's your own damn problem.
- That's your own problem. - You dirty mind,
get your head out of the gutter, you pervert.
- You little pervy, pervy. - You little pervert,
you little tiny pervert.
Shut up. (laughs) - I am the pervert.
(Courtney barking)
- And where's my goddamn nicotine gum?
(bleep)!
- (sniffs) Going to Alison now for our live traffic report.
- Yeah!
Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
(Damien grunts)
(Damien heaving)
(hands clapping) (Kimmy laughing)
- [Producer] So joyful and fun.
And camera!
- Hi. - Hi!
- [Producer] (laughs) Great.
Okay.
(crew laughing)
Can you do this?
(crew laughing)
Do you just, do you, yep,
and then maybe just do like one
where you're just like clapping?
(clapping hands) (crew laughing)