Someone told me you almost didn't make it here today.
What happened?
I know.
I was running late.
I went to Macy's.
I had to get some personal things--
undergarments.
First of all, I go to Macy's in the Valley
because I'm probably 8% more famous over in the Valley.
It's worth the drive.
I have an app that tells me.
So I go over there, and then if you're a guy,
you don't want to ask for help, especially for that,
because it's too weird.
For what?
Underwear.
But I didn't want to say, so I walk in.
The guy goes, can I help you?
And I go, no, no, I'm good, I'm good.
And then I just--
I figure if I stay along the walls of Macy's, I'll
find it eventually.
Two hours later, I'm over in lamps.
I don't know what's happening.
And then I hear, you're getting colder.
I go, oh.
All right.
I go, all right, come here, dude.
I'm just looking for underwear.
And he goes, underpants?
And I go, no, no one said that.
No one said that word because people don't say it.
I just need some underwear.
And he goes, where's underpants?
And then he starts walking around.
And then I hear people go, oh, Joe Dirt needs underpants.
And I go, no, no, he's--
I'm not even with him.
I'm walking around.
And then he goes, now I'm lost.
Where is the underpants?
So he finally finds the big wall of Calvin Klein
and he goes, there you go.
And I go, all right.
You can cruise.
But he stays.
And then I go and I just pick one up, and he goes,
are those the kind of underpants you like?
I go, I don't know for sure.
I'm just getting a barometer here.
I'm just-- this is the first one I picked up.
And he goes, the tight ones that hug your leg,
you little show off.
Sir.
But yeah, I got those.
So you got the--
so that's what took you so long?
Yeah.
So that's not going to end up in your stand-up, I'm thinking.
Or this show.
We're going to kick that right out.
Yeah.
But I did--
I've been traveling and doing stand-up,
and you're doing stand-up now.
I am.
By the way, the word is hysterical.
Thanks.
I went to a few clubs that you'd been to.
I'm going to come watch you.
Get nervous.
And I went to--
You were just in Vegas, right?
Yeah, I do the Mirage up there.
I'm going again, but when you fly--
sometimes I fly Southwest, which is--
it's an OK airline.
It's sort of crummy, and this does not leave this room,
but Southwest is--
spoiler alert-- it's the fun airline with the shorts.
It's not that fun.
No one's having fun.
They're not.
I'm not.
But when you go there, they try to be very professional.
They go, before you get on the aircraft,
we have to clean the plane.
Literally one guy with Febreze going--
[SQUIRTING NOISES]
All right, bring them on.
Bring on the cattle.
And then you get on.
I go, I think there's a dog tooth in my seat back.
And they're like, we can't get every nook and cranny, narc.
All right?
Let's Yelp it down a notch, guy.
And then it's always like crazy--
she's in shorts going, please, we've got to push off the gate.
That's all they care about-- the gate.
We've got to push off.
Sit down.
There's no aisle seats.
You're not on the Queen Mary.
It's all middle.
Sit in the middle.
We're the only all middle seat airline.
It's impossible, but we have it.
Only middle, and quit looking for overhead.
There's nothing there.
Put your crap on your lap.
You knew what you were getting into.
You called Southwest.
It's $89 for a reason.
Now relax and be quiet.
And it's never like half full and relaxed.
It's like, we're oversold by 300.
We have no idea how it works.
We do it every flight.
If you want to wait five hours, we'll give you $1.00.
Take the next flight.
And there's no food.
We have five bags of peanuts.
We're going to shoot them out with a T-shirt gun
halfway through the flight.
Heads up!
Look alive.
One of them's honey roasted.
Keep going.
So stupid, it's not.
Are you done?
Oh, they-- no.
And then they tell you the name of your pilot.
Everyone goes, oh, he's good.
Yeah.
I like his work.
Anyway.
Yeah, so that.
OK.
So that's really tough to-- the Southwest, yeah.
Yeah, in summary.
Yeah, OK.
Good.
Yeah.
We'll take a break.
Oh yeah, I've got more stuff.
We've got to come back.
Yeah.
Lots to talk about.
Yeah.
I'm saving the good stuff fro right after.
[LAUGHTER]