-Now, it is flu season right now.
So, if any of you cough, I'm calling security.
[ Laughter ] I'm just kidding.
[ Laughter ]
But I've noticed that here in L.A., when anyone gets sick,
they have 17 different ways to fix it,
and none of them are medicine.
[ Laughter ]
Instead, they turn to crystals and sage and spiritual guidance,
which are somehow sold at Urban Outfitters.
[ Laughter ]
Do you really trust a soul cleanser
that was sold next to a mug with boobs on it?
[ Laughter ]
Who here is into crystals? Don't be shy.
Raise your hands. Make some noise.
[ Scattered cheers ]
Why aren't you making the noise? You're not proud of yourselves?
[ Crowd cheers ] See, I'm not convinced.
I mean, I did want to try it, so I went to a store
and they told me that I couldn't choose a crystal.
The crystal had to choose me.
[ Laughter ]
So I stood there for 30 minutes and it turns out
that men on Tinder and crystals have a lot in common.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thankfully, I have friends who give me crystals as gifts.
Thank God. [ Laughter ]
I don't know what I would do without them.
[ Laughter ]
And did you know that you have to charge crystals?
Did you know this? -Yes.
[ Laughter ]
-Sorry! [ Laughter ]
One of my friends gave me a crystal charging station.
Yep, which is great because, I mean,
there is nothing worse than trying to heal yourself
and realizing that you're crystal is at 10%.
[ Laughter ] The worst.
[ Applause ] The worst.
It's also really frustrating because you can have a crystal
that's working great and then a newer crystal comes out
and then suddenly your old crystal starts freezing.
And you're like,
"I'm not going to pay $800 just to get a new crystal.
Oh, wait. It has three cameras? Okay, I'm in. I'm in. I'm in."
[ Applause ]
I guess when it comes to crystals, I'm like J-Lo.
I'm not fooled by the rocks that I got.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Facts.
Astrology is another big thing that people believe in.
They'll use it for guidance, for support, even for an excuse.
I mean, you can't be on trial for murder and say,
"I plead not guilty, Your Honor.
Because Mercury was, like, totally in retrograde.
Okay? It wasn't my fault. It wasn't even my fault."
It's ridiculous!
Everyone gets so paranoid about Mercury being in retrograde.
[ Laughter ]
Like, fam, it's 48,000,000 miles away from Earth.
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure you getting the flu has less to do
with another planet and more to do with the fact
that you made out with everyone
at the office Christmas party, Emily.
Retrograde? Please. [ Laughter ]
Colonics is another big trend.
Y'all heard of this? Colonics? -Yeah.
-Let me tell you, that's where people try to cleanse their body
from toxins by having a hose stuck up their butt
and pumping in coconut water.
Yeah.
Then, and this is real, they make you watch
days worth of poop go through a clear glass tube
as it exits your body.
I mean, they definitely didn't have to
make that tube see-through.
That was a choice.
[ Laughter ]
You're insane!
Now, I don't know if colonics work or not,
but we can all agree it's a load of crap.
[ Laughter and applause ]
See what I did there?
You see what I did there?
Because of the butt, the hose in the butt.
Do you get it? [ Laughter ]
There are so many other wellness fads.
There's burning sage, essential oils, cupping, and acupuncture.
Yeah, because nothing relaxes me like knowing 800 needles
are going to be jabbed into my flesh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Plus, people are doing these things everywhere, not just L.A.
I once went to a holistic healer in Toronto -- this is true.
And his office was his house.
First red flag. [ Laughter ]
He made me pick a leaf off a tree.
And then he read the leaf. [ Laughter ]
And he said, "You must have back pain."
[ Laughter ]
And I thought, "That's crazy.
He knows I have back pain.
And all I did was call him
and make an appointment for my back pain."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Obviously! Come on!
Reading the leaf?
Reiki is a health trend that's been around for awhile
but has become more mainstream lately.
Now, if you don't know what reiki is, it's basically where
a healer transfers energy into your body
by holding their palms over you.
It's like Eleven from "Stranger Things."
[ Laughter ] Oh, yeah.
I mean, season two episode nine,
Eleven didn't just close the gate.
She churned my cholesterol.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But the first time I heard about reiki,
I was like, "Let me get this straight.
You paid a girl $200 to not touch you?"
[ Laughter ] Please, the scam.
The craziest thing is that there are people who perform reiki
from across the world.
Like, there's one guy in Brazil who will send you good vibes
and visualize healing you if you Venmo him 50 bucks.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
He was so pissed when I couldn't pay him because I had already
given all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[ Laughter ]
So, instead, I tried to pay him with Zenmo.
It's an app where I visualize sending him money.