WELL, IT'S DAY 50 OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY--
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT A JOKE YET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HIS SIGNATURE PROJECT, THE
WALL ON THE SOUTHERN BORDER, IS MOVING RIGHT ALONG.
THE DUE DATE FOR CONTRACTORS TO SUBMIT PROTOTYPES IS TODAY.
BECAUSE THE WALL IS ABOUT TO BECOME A REALITY, I DECIDED TO
MEET WITH SOME ACTUAL EXPERTS ON BUILDING TO LEARN WHAT'S IT
GOING TO TAKE TO MAKE IT?
AMERICA'S SOUTHERN BORDER HAS BEEN A HOT BUTTON ISSUE FOR
YEARS AND NOW PRESIDENT TRUMP IS PUSHING FORWARD ON HIS CAMPAIGN
PROMISE TO BUILD A WALL, BUT THIS IS PRETTY MUCH ALL WE KNOW
ABOUT IT: >> THAT WALL IS GOING TO BE SO
BIG AND SO STRONG, AND SO POWERFUL, IMPENETRABLE,
PHYSICAL, TALL, POWERFUL.
IT WILL BE A BIG WALL, A BEAUTIFUL WALL, AND WE'RE GOING
TO NAME IS TRUMP SOME DAY, MAYBE, RIGHT?
AND MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE WALL.
>> Stephen: SO I SAT DOWN WITH FOUR EXPERTS TO LEARN WHAT A
2,000-MILE BORDER WALL LOOKS LIKE AND HOW MUCH IT COSTS.
>> I'M AN ARCHITECT.
I PRACTICE IN NEW YORK CITY.
>> I'M A LISCENCED ENGINEER IN NEW YORK AND CONNECTICUT.
>> I'M A CONCRETE GUY.
I OWN A CONCRETE BUSINESS.
>> I'M AN INTERIOR DESIGNER IN NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: AS YOU ALL KNOW, DONALD TRUMP HAS SIGNED THE
ORDER TO CREATE THE BORDER WALL BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND
MEXICO TO KEEP AMERICA SAFE.
NOW, DURING THE G.O.P. DEBATE IN HOUSTON, TRUMP SAID THIS:
>> THIS IS A WALL THAT'S A HECK OF A LOT HIGHER THAN THE CEILING
YOU'RE LOOKING AT.
THIS IS A WALL THAT'S GOING TO WORK.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NOW, THE CEILING OF THE VENUE HE WAS IN
WAS ABOUT 80 FEET HIGH, OKAY, SO A HECK OF A LOT HIGHER THAN 80
FEET.
NOW, I'M NOT AN ARCHITECT.
DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT "A HECK OF A" REPRESENTS?
>> 100 FEET IS PROABLY A "HECK OF A" LOT HIGHER THAN 80 FEET.
>> Stephen: "A HECK OF" A IS ONE-HALF AN ASSLOAD.
ONE-HALF AN ASSLOAD EQUALS 20 FEET.
OK, SO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A 100-FOOT-TALL WALL.
CHRISTINE, YOU'RE AN ENGINEER.
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO TO CREATE A WALL 100 FEET HIGH?
>> IF IT'S 100 FEET HIGH, THEN YOUR POSTS WOULD ENTER THE EARTH
ABOUT TWO-THIRDS OF THAT. AND THEN IN BETWEEN, YOU WOULD RIG
UP PRE-CAST CONCRETE PANELS, WHICH WOULD PROBABLY BE THE
CHEAPEST.
>> Stephen: AND CONCRETE GUY.
LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH CONCRETE THAT IS.
>> YEAH, WE WOULD CALCULATE SOMETHING ABOUT, UH, 200 MILLION
CUBIC YARDS OF CONCRETE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES A YARD OF CONCRETE COST?
>> WELL, THIS AREA?
PROBABLY ABOUT $2,000.
>> Stephen: 200 MILLION TIMES $2,000 A YARD.
>> YOU'VE GOT $400 BILLION.
>> Stephen: $400 BILLION.
>> AND THAT'S ALL IN CONCRETE >> NO, I DON'T THINK WE CAN DO
THAT, BECAUSE IF THAT'S THE VALUE OF THE CONCRETE, WE CAME
UP IN A PRIOR EFFORT THE NUMBER OF APPROXIMATELY $985 BILLION
TOTAL.
>> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SECOND.
WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM?
>> ALL THE LABOR INVOLVED, ALL THE OVERHEAD.
>> EXCAVATION.
>> PORTABLE CONCRETE PLANTS.
>> DEWATERING.
>> SWAMPS, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
>> YOU MIGHT HAVE A MOBILE FORGE.
>> WHEN A WALL STICKS UP OUT OF THE GROUND--
>> Stephen: HMMM.
I DON'T THINK WE CAN SHOW THAT ON CBS, BY THE WAY.
>> IF A WALL STICKS UP OUT OF THE GROUND--
>> Stephen: AGAIN, I DON'T THINK-- I'LL PICTURE IT.
SO WHAT'S YOUR NEW NUMBER?
>> ABOUT A TRILLION, CLOSE TO.
>> Stephen: CALL IT $1 TRILLION.
>> I HAD READ THAT LESS THAN HALF OF THE LENGTH OF THE BORDER
IS ACTUALLY COVERED ON OUR SIDE WITH PARALLEL ROADS.
>> Stephen: PROBABLYICISM TO JUST BUILD A $2,000
HIGHWAY WHILE WE'RE DOING IT.
ANY IDEA WHAT IT WOULD COST?
>> I WOULD SAY ABOUT THE SAME PRICE IT WOULD COST TO BUILD A
WALL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO PLUS ANOTHER TRILLION, BECAUSE WHAT
IS A HIGHWAY, IF NOT A WALL ON ITS SIDE?
SO IF WE DO JUST ONE CREW OF 40 LABORERS, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE
TO BUILD THE WALL?
>> 742 YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LET'S TRY TO GET
THAT NUMBER DOWN.
WE GOTTA GET THAT DOWN.
>> IF WE GOTTA DO IT IN FOUR YEARS--
>> Stephen: WE GOT THREE YEARS AND 11 MONTHS, RIGHT?
WE HAVE THREE YEARS AND 11 MONTHS OF THE FIRST TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION.
>> THAT WOULD BE 8,000 PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY WORKERS DOES IT TAKE TO BUILD THE
HIGHWAY?
>> PROBABLY HALF OF THAT, 4,000.
>> Stephen: 4,000?
LET'S MAKE THIS 12,000 WORKERS ALL TOGETHER.
>> THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA RESULTED IN 400,000 DEATHS
OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON IT.
HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL DIE MAKING THIS?
>> YOU PROBABLY CAN KEEP IT DOWN TO MAYBE, LIKE, 100 A MONTH.
>> Stephen: 100 A MONTH IS THE MOST YOU'D WANT.
>> 100 TIMES 12 TIMES-- HOW MANY YEARS?
>> Stephen: CALL IT FOUR YEARS, YEAH.
>> ABOUT 4,800 >> Stephen: 4,800 PEOPLE DIE.
4,800 PEOPLE DEAD.
THAT'S MORE THAN A THIRD OF THE WORK FORCE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY HAS TO DIE.
NOBODY IS GOING TO DIE.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, NOBODY WANTS ANYONE TO DIE.
WE JUST HAVE TO BE REALISTIC HERE.
LET'S BUMP THIS UP TO, LIKE, 20,000, JUST TO HAVE SOME
SPARES.
>> THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.
DONALD TRUMP HAS SAID THAT THIS WILL BE A BIG, BEAUTIFUL WALL,
OKAY?
ROBERT, WHAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO MAKE CONCRETE LOOK BEAUTIFUL?
>> ONE OF OUR DESIGN CONCEPTS WAS TO MAYBE TURN THIS UGLY WALL
INTO AN OUTDOOR RECREATION PARK, AND WE THOUGHT A BIG ROCK-
CLIMBING WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT ELSE MIGHT YOU DO WITH A 100-FOOT WALL?
>> Stephen: I LOVE THE IDEA OF A ROCK-CLIMBING WALL, EXCEPT IT'S
ANTITHETICAL TO A WALL YOU CAN'T CLIMB TO MAKE IT
INTO A CLIMBING WALL.
SO THANK YOU, BUT LET'S MOVE ON.
>> SO, ONE OTHER IDEA COULD BE TO WALLPAPER THE WALL.
>> Stephen: I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
>> IT MIGHT BE PRETTY.
>> Stephen: I LOVE PRETTY >> I DID A CALCULATION ON NUMBER
OF ROLLS OF WALLPAPER AS WELL.
>> Stephen: PLEASE.
>> I CAME OUT WITH ABOUT 27 MILLION ROLLS FOR ONE SIDE.
>> Stephen: WE GOTTA DO BOTH SIDES HERE.
>> THAT'S ABOUT 54 MILLION ROLLS.
>> Stephen: 54 MILLION ROLLS >> BUT I WOULD JUST SAY IF WE
NEED TO DO SOME PATTERN MATCHING, FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO MATCH THE REPEAT OF THE WALLPAPER PATTERN
SO THAT THE SEAMS MATCH UP.
SO LET'S ADD ANOTHER 50% ON TO THAT JUST TO BE SAFE.
>> Stephen: 50% MORE PAPER?
CALL IT 100 MILLION ROLLS.
NOW THAT WE KNEW HOW MUCH THE WALL COSTS, WE HAD TO GET
SOMEBODY TO PAY FOR IT.
>> HELLO, MEXICAN CONSOLATE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HI, IS THIS MEXICO?
>> YES, CAN I HELP YOU?
>> Stephen: HI, YES, THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT FROM "THE LATE
SHOW" AT CBS.
CAN I SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER, PLEASE?
>> NO, I'M SORRY.
JUST GIVE ME YOUR MESSAGE, PLEASE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
THE MESSAGE IS THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT FROM "THE LATE SHOW."
WE'RE TRYING TO COME UP WITH JUST SOME ROUGH NUMBERS.
OBVIOUSLY, DON'T HOLD MY FEET TO THE FIRE OVER THIS, BUT WE HAVE
A ROUGH NUMBER OF ABOUT $2 TRILLION DOLLARS TO BUILD THE
BORDER WALL, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD THAT IN PETTY CASH
RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
>> OKAY...
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, IF YOU COULD JUST TELL MEXICO,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( LAUGHTER ) MAN, MEXICO IS GOING TO BE
PISSED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FELICITY HUFFMAN.