WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'LL TELL YOU, THE DARNED STORMY DANIELS SCANDAL JUST
WILL NOT GO AWAY FOR DONALD TRUMP, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES
HE CLEARS HIS BROWSER HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE THE LATEST, SALACIOUS
LEGAL MOTIONS IN TONIGHT'S "STORMYWATCH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HUGE DEVELOPMENTS YESTERDAY,
WHEN STORM' ATERNAL--
STORMY DANIELS' INTERNAL ATTORNEY, MICHAEL AVANETTI,
FILED A MOTION SEEKING TO DEPOSE PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP AND HIS
LAWYER MICHAEL COHEN.
THAT MEANS TRUMP IS GOING TO HAVE TO ANSWER A LOT OF
UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS UNDER OATH LIKE, "DID YOU HAVE AN
AFFAIR WITH STORMY DANIELS?" AND, "IS THIS NOW OR HAS IT EVER
BEEN YOUR PENIS?"
NOW, AVENATTI SAYS THAT HE "INTENDS TO PROVE THAT THE HUSH
AGREEMENT DID NOT HAVE A LAWFUL OBJECT OR PURPOSE."
OH, HOW DARE YOU?
OF COURSE THIS AGREEMENT HAS A LAWFUL PURPOSE.
IT HAS GIVEN ANDERSON COOPER HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF STORMY
DANIELS' RAW CLEAVAGE FOOTAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WOLF BLITZER IS EVEN WORKING
ON HIS STORMY DANIELS IMPRESSION.
>> TECHNICALLY, I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THE POTUS 12 YEARS AGO.
THERE WAS NO SLEEPING.
HA, HA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "THERE WAS NO
SLEEPING, HA, HA, BUT IT APPEARS SHE AND THE PRESIDENT TOOK THE
EXPRESS TRAIN TO BONE TOWN.
ANDERSON, THIS IS OUR LIFE NOW."
( LAUGHTER ) THE ODD THING IS THAT TRUMP HAS
NOT MADE ANY PUBLIC COMMENTS.
HE HASN'T EVEN TWEETED ABOUT IT.
ONE FRIEND SAYS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS "NOT IN PUNCH-BACK
MODE."
YES, TRUMP ONLY HAS A FEW SETTINGS.
THERE'S "PUNCH BACK," THERE'S "LIE," "SELF-PROMOTE," AND
"POPCORN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PACKAGING SAYS, "DON'T USE
THE POPCORN SETTING."
BUT I DO.
INSTEAD OF TWEETING ABOUT STORMY, YESTERDAY, TRUMP
RETWEETED HIMSELF FROM LAST WEEKEND AFTER HE SIGNED THE
GOVERNMENT BUDGET.
"BECAUSE OF THE $700 AND $716 BILLION GOTTEN TO REBUILD OUR
MILITARY, MANY JOBS ARE CREATED AND OUR MILITARY IS
AGAIN RICH.
BUILDING A GREAT BORDER WALL, WITH DRUGS-- POISON-- AND ENEMY
COMBATANTS POURING INTO OUR COUNTRY IS ALL ABOUT NATIONAL
DEFENSE.
BUILD WALL THROUGH M!" WHAT DOES-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT DOES THAT-- I DON'T--
WHAT DOES "M" STAND FOR?
( LAUGHTER ) BUILD WALL THROUGH MEXICO?
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT.
BUILD WALL THROUGH MONEY?
THROUGH MELANIA'S ROOM?
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE-- I'M PRETTY SURE SHE'D PAY FOR THAT
AT THIS POINT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, THE GREAT "M" MYSTERY-- OR
MMMMYSTERY-- HAS BEEN SOLVED.
TURNS OUT, IT STANDS FOR MILITARY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT
WANTS TO TAKE THIS MONEY OUT OF THE PENTAGON BUDGET.
THE PENTAGON?
MEXICO IS SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THIS.
IT SHOULD COME OUT OF THE "CINCO-GON."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT-- THANK YOU.
PEOPLE LOVE SPANISH JOKES.
PEOPLE--
BUT IF THE MILITARY WON'T PAY FOR IT, PEOPLE CLOSE TO THE
PRESIDENT HAVE SUGGESTED-- AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--
CREATING A GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN.
LAUGH.
>> Jon: HOW THEY GOING TO DO THAT?
>> Stephen: YES, YES, A KICKSTARTER.
YES, OUR NATIONAL SOVEREIGNTY WILL BE SECURED WITH THE SAME
URGENCY THAT FUNDED THE "VERONICA MARS" MOVIE.
FOR AS FOUNDING FATHER NATHAN HALE SAID, "
"I REGRET I HAVE BUT $15 TO FIND OUT IF SHE ENDED UP WITH LOGAN.
#TotesAdorable."
NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH GOFUNDME, LET ME USE A REAL,
ACTIVE GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN TO EXPLAIN HOW THIS WOULD WORK.
THIS IS THE ACTUAL GOFUNDME PAGE RAISING MONEY FOR FLAW'S NEW
TOURING VEHICLE.
FLAW IS A BAND.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND.
I'M GOING TO GUESS EITHER DEATH METAL, GRINDCORE, OR DEATHGRIND.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IN THIS SCENARIO, DONALD
TRUMP IS THE BAND FLAW, AND THE WALL IS FLAW'S NEW VAN.
FLAW NEEDS A NEW VAN TO MAKE IT TO THEIR UPCOMING CONCERT AT
SPICOLI'S IN WATERLOO, IOWA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND DONALD TRUMP NEEDS HIS WALL
TO STOP MEXICANS FROM ALL RUSHING IN TO AMERICA-- I ASSUME
TO CATCH FLAW AT SPICOLI'S IN WATERLOO, IOWA.
AND IF NONE OF THAT WORKS, TRUMP CAN JUST ASK FLAW TO PATROL THE
BORDER.
BECAUSE FROM THEIR PHOTO, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE ALREADY
THERE-- AT LEAST UNTIL APRIL 3, 6:00 P.M., WHEN THEY'RE GOING TO
BE AT SPICOLI'S ROCKADE, AT 3555 UNIVERSITY AVE., WATERLOO,
IOWA.
FLAW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M A HUGE FLAW FAN.
>> Jon: OH, YOU LIKE FLAW?