- Hey, I'm Hannah.
I'm The World's Okayest Mom,
but today, I am watching my first ever Wine Mom episode.
This series was the very first type of content
I appeared in at BuzzFeed,
so I was very nervous.
And I think a lot of it is probably gonna be mortifying,
but (chuckles) we'll see.
Maybe I'll pleasantly surprise myself.
(jazzy music plays) (air whooshing)
Okay, wait.
I'm taking my bra off? (crew laughs)
(jazzy music resumes)
(air whooshing) - Oh, my god.
(glass filling)
(air whooshing)
(jazzy music ends)
Fun fact, I shot this series with Kevin McShane,
who you probably know from Draw.
And it was just him and me alone in my house to shoot these.
Four years later, we're still working together,
very closely, on everything I do.
So, this is the start of a great working relationship.
Hi, I'm Hannah.
I am your friendly neighborhood Wine Mom.
Oh, hi, I didn't see you there, and if you--
Oh, God! (laughs)
Why am I talking so slowly? (giggles)
I probably had a half a glass of wine
before this whole thing started
'cause I was really, really nervous.
But I look so young too! (giggles)
BuzzFeed has aged me.
Oh, god, this is gonna be bad.
And if you are like me,
you believe that one glass of wine at 8 p.m.
makes you a better mom.
So pour yourself one and let's talk about--
Let's talk about it really slowly.
Hurry up, girl!
(sighs)
Okay, now I'm ready. (giggles)
Here's why I'm drinking tonight.
My son is obsessed--
I did really drink the wine in all of these episodes.
(laughs)
The movie that's out right now called "BFG,"
but somehow, in his four-year-old brain,
it's getting all scrambled.
He's telling everyone,
"Oh, my auntie took me to see CPS over the weekend."
And for those of you who don't know what CPS stands for,
it is Child Protective Services.
Oh, my gosh, I remember that happening.
(laughs) That was really embarrassing.
(gulps)
So have another sip of wine. (laughs)
I'm a good mom, I swear!
Kids are the most beautiful creatures on the planet.
That being said, the first word that I think about when...
or, no-- (sighs deeply)
Get to the point, (giggles) oh, my god.
The first word that comes to mind
when I think about parenting is shit.
The first five or so years of your life,
you're being shit on literally.
- [Kevin] First years of their life.
- Oh, the first five or so years of their life,
(laughs) Kevin.
you're being shit on literally,
and then from there on out, you get shit on emotionally.
I have a four-year-old and a one-year-old,
so I'm halfway-- (gasps)
Now I have a four-year-old and a seven-year-old!
That explains why I've aged so much.
Dang, it just gets harder.
I thought it was hard then?
Then when it finally comes time to wipe your own butt,
my four-year-old likes to sit and watch me.
Actually, both of them like to sit and watch me.
Yeah, that's so true.
And then when I say, "I'd like some privacy,"
my four-year-old will go, "Oh, okay."
He'll shoo the one-year-old out,
close the door, and sit back down.
Okay, dude, whatever.
When they vomit,
it's like they go out of their way to vomit
on something important.
(gasps) Dang, okay, I was right,
'cause it still happens to this day.
Okay, good point, Old Hannah.
I'm like, I am proud of you
because I see that you ate your whole dinner.
I see broccoli in here, you ate some veggies.
Nice! (air whooshing)
So next... (laughs)
I can't be drunk 'cause it's just one glass.
I'm not even done, so, I'm just--
I was just embarrassed and nervous.
When you have kids,
you become accustomed to constant noise.
It's like you kind of train yourself to zone it out?
I like that hair color though.
Once you finally get your silence, (crickets)
it's terrifying.
Something terrible is happening.
There's poop on the walls for sure.
There's crayon on something.
Sharpie.
Someone's eating my lipstick.
So one time it was silent,
and my son was in the bathroom
dunking the bath towels into the toilet
and then sucking on them.
(gasps) No.
Why would you do that?
Are you thirsty?
Which son was that? (chuckles)
I didn't specify.
I don't remember that.
I think I blocked it from my memory.
Oh, god, girl, slow down.
I cannot believe I drank on camera!
Kids are so expensive.
There's swim lessons.
There's new shoes every other week, their feet grow so fast.
They only get more expensive.
I don't understand how, it's like Hobbits.
They just like take and take and take all your money,
and then they don't even appreciate it.
Like my son, I make him his organic bread, turkey sandwich.
He'll ask for the crust to be cut off.
Bread turkey sandwich.
The other morning I cut the crust off,
then all of a sudden, he decided,
in that time I was cutting the crust,
that he doesn't want the crust cut off anymore.
So I served him the sandwich,
and he's like, "oh, my god, Mom," meltdown.
I'm talking about Jackson in this one,
and he is my easy kid.
Oh, man, I had no idea what was coming.
I cannot believe I even had the audacity to complain.
You can't win! (giggles)
And, finally, why?
Your child is going to ask why
to every mundane little thing you say.
"That grass is green, why?"
It still happens.
It makes you realize how little you know about the world.
I look so different!
Well, I'm also, like, hugely pregnant right now.
You have this opportunity and this chance
to make something beautiful.
Oh, my god.
It's basically like learning from your life
and making something better for somebody else.
I can't think of something that holds any more meaning
than that.
All I can hope is that I don't fuck it up.
I'm tearing up!
One glass of wine in me,
and I'm like blubbering all the time.
That's just how it works.
I can have no glasses of wine and cry at the drop of a hat.
You can show me a picture of a puppy and I will cry.
Also, I remember thinking, like,
"Oh, I have blue hair and I'm a mom!
"I've got to be edgy."
And so I cursed in this.
And you can see in the watery eyes,
deep down I've always been a wuss and a sap. (laughs)
And I just finally embraced it!
Until next time, I'm Hannah, your neighborhood Wine Mom.
And I will see you later!
You don't want to see me like this.
Go!
(jazzy music) (burps)
The burp! (laughs)
I burped in every episode.
To this day, it still blows my mind
that anybody watches anything that I'm in.
When we went in to shoot that video,
I had no expectations.
I just thought, you know, I'll try my best?
It's all just very, very real,
minus all the cursing.
I would tell Old Hannah, "Just brace yourself.
"You think it's tough now?
"Just wait until your youngest starts to talk." (laughs)
(lively music)