( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S LOUIS CATO.
THAT'S STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.
♪ BA-DA-BA.
LOUIS, IN JUST MOMENTS, JUST MOMENTS FROM NOW, EVERYBODY AT
HOME SHOULD KNOW THIS, SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE IN THAT CHAIR
IS GOING TO BE SOMEBODY WE LIKE TO CALL REPRESENTATIVE
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT.
THERE'S NOT REALLY THAT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT, GOING ON IN
WASHINGTON, D.C. RIGHT NOW.
SHE'S A BIT OF A SHRINKING VIOLET.
SHE DOESN'T SHARE HER OPINIONS.
I HOPE TO GET SOME ANSWERS OUT OF THERE.
THAT'S WHAT I HOPE TO BE ABLE TO DO TONIGHT.
FOLKS, SPEAKING OF JANUARY 6th PLOTTERS, THIS WEEKEND
RUDY GIULIANI WAS ASSAULTED BY A GROCERY STORE WORKER ON STATEN
ISLAND.
BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE, LET ME SAY
THAT RUDY GIULIANI IS FINE, OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT HE
REMAINS RUDY GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER ) AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, "THE LATE
SHOW" AND "THE LATE SHOW" FAMILY OF PRODUCTS CONDEMNS VIOLENCE OF
ANY KIND.
YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUT AND LAY A FINGER ON THE FORMER MAYOR IN
ANY WAY.
FIRST, BECAUSE IT IS JUST WRONG.
AND, SECOND, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ANY OF THAT
WEIRD RUDY JUICE ON YOU.
NOW, AT FIRST, WE ONLY HEARD ABOUT THIS FROM RUDY, WHO TOLD A
HARROWING TALE OF A CONFRONTATION AT A
POLITICAL EVENT FOR HIS SON, ANDREW, AT A GROCERY STORE:
>> I COME OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM, A GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE
AROUND ME, HUGGING ME, KISSING ME, TELLING ME ANDREW'S GREAT.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FEEL A SHOT ON MY BACK, LIKE SOMEBODY
SHOT ME.
I GOT HIT ON THE BACK AS IF A BOULDER HIT ME.
THAT WOMAN GAVE A STATEMENT TO THE POLICE THAT THE GUY HIT ME
SO HARD THAT SHE HERSELF ALMOST FELL FROM THE REVERBERATION
OF IT.
>> Stephen: ( AS RUDY )
"IT WAS A COMBINATION BULLET-BOULDER EARTHQUAKE.
THE ONLY THING THIS DIDN'T UNLEASH WAS THE DREADED
SHARKNADO.
AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, THEN YOU ALSO BELIEVE PEOPLE WANT TO
HUG AND KISS ME WHENEVER I COME OUT OF A MEN'S ROOM."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW THERE'S VIDEO FROM THE
STORE SECURITY CAMERA.
PARENTS, TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT OF THE ROOM AND THEN FOLLOW THEM
OUT OF THE ROOM, BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE SO VIOLENT, YOUR
HOUSE MAY SUFFER STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.
GET TO A DOORWAY, OR IF YOU HAVE A BASEMENT, SHELTER IN PLACE.
THERE'S RUDY...
HERE COMES THE THUNDER....
BOOM!
AND THAT WAS IT.
AND THAT WAS-- IS THAT IT?
THAT WAS IT.
THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING.
OKAY.
OKAY, IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE MICH, BUT WATCH AGAIN WHEN YOU
PLAY THE VIDEO WITH SOUND.
( EXPLOSION ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: SCARY STUFF, SCARY STUFF.
AFTER THE VIDEO EVIDENCE CAME OUT, THE D.A. RELEASED THE
ASSAILANT, WHO ALSO HAD THE CHARGES AGAINST HIM REDUCED.
THEY'VE GONE FROM FELONY ASSAULT DOWN TO "BACK TAP WITH INTENT TO
'HEY!'" ( LAUGHTER )
RUDY WAS FURIOUS ABOUT THAT, SAYING, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS
D.A. DOING LETTING HIM OUT OF JAIL?
I DIDN'T FALL DOWN.
I COULD HAVE.
IF I FELL DOWN, WHO KNOWS."
I KNOW.
YOU WOULD HAVE CRACKED YOUR HEAD OPEN, AND A BUNCH OF CHIANTI
WOULD HAVE COME LEAKING OUT.
AND NOW YOU'VE GOT STAINS ALL OVER YOUR GOOD FARTING PANTS.
RUDY REMAINS UNDAUNTED.
HIS SON, ANDREW, AND HIS LOAD-BEARING TEETH SAY WE DON'T
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT RUDY BECAUSE HE'S "TOUGH AS NAILS."
AND JUST LIKE NAILS, HE'S ALWAYS HAMMERED.
HE'S ALWAYS HAMMERED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CONGRESSWOMAN ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )