and this is evan on cats dating coach
for smart strong successful win I mean
your personal trainer for love welcome
back to the love you podcast this is a
place where you going to learn
everything you need to know about dating
relationships men and sex from a man's
point of view and today we are talking
about how to avoid a bad relationship
before it happens now I am no
Nostradamus I'm not going to tell you
how to keenly predict the future devoid
of any context but I am going to share
some information with you about
personally some of my bad relationships
and more importantly other people's bad
relationships and we're going to show
you how they apply to you so you could
avoid making some of the mistakes that
you've made in the past over looking
signs that your relationship is headed
for a big brick wall your own wine
disappeared um something I've written
lots of things but only a handful of
things that have really stuck with me
that that I feel that are particularly
worth repeating and one of them is that
you can't read the last page of the book
before you read the book and in general
that's something that I believe it's
very dangerous to start dating someone
new and you're on your first date and
you're thinking about the future and
what kind of husband is going to be in
what you're kind of what your kids are
going to look like and whether he's
going to be able to financially support
you if you quit your job when you have
kids and you could even drive yourself
crazy trying to look to for too far into
the future
too soon but that doesn't mean that
there aren't signs when you're dating
someone of what your future might look
like so those are sort of two different
things that sound like they contradict
each other but they know on one hand I'm
telling you don't get too excited I
don't get ahead of where you are and at
the same time I'm saying you know pay
attention to what's in front of you pay
attention to the evidence at hand and
you can get a sense of the end of the
book without reading the book just by
reading the first few chapters very
often so in 2000 I was written to on
mass comm
by a woman who didn't have a photo she
was easily the most beautiful one that
had ever written to me on online and as
it turns out one of the most probably
most beautiful woman I ever dated
I'm not going to refer to her by by name
because I don't think this story makes
her look good doesn't make me look good
nobody really looks good when you talk
about relationships that have gone awry
but we we went out for drinks and dinner
on La Brea Avenue here in Los Angeles I
was going to take her out dancing
afterwards and I remember something
distinctly about the date and that was
that I started talking about my dad
who'd passed away a year before and I
started crying on the date which I
thought was an unusual thing to do and
it didn't scare her away it actually
made her feel closer to me I don't
recommend this as a strategy by the way
I'm just saying it was a very real
authentic vulnerable moment that ended
up with dinner
dancing and then back to my place after
which she told me she didn't want to be
in a relationship with me I was one of
five guys she was dating she just wanted
to see how things would play out she's
always been in relationships and she
wanted to keep her options open and I
said all right good do your thing
but here's what I will tell you if
you're going out those other five guys
the next time you go out with one of
them and you find yourself thinking of
me that should be the last time you see
him and when you've done with all the
other guys then I will be your boyfriend
I was a little cocky back in my late 20s
and that's actually what happened that
three weeks later she became my
girlfriend she lived about an hour for
me so I was sort of a long-distance
relationship she was unemployed living
with her mom I had to drive the long
distance to be with her she couldn't
afford anything and when we were good
which was 75% of the time we were really
good I think she has she had a she had a
big heart she knew how to have fun she
was reasonably bright yeah there was she
had a pretty good sense of humor but but
there was a side of her and again I
don't want to sound like I'm issuing
blame that had a very hard time with
communication in the first instance I
saw this was we I took her to a friend's
wedding it was in Catalina Island which
is about an hour off the coast of Long
Beach it was it was a big deal was the
first event we were attending together
and she spent a lot of time looking for
the proper wedding dress not the wedding
dress that a dress to wear to this
wedding she didn't know anybody I didn't
really know anybody at this wedding
either except for the bride and groom so
she's like I can't wear white and it
says Sunday day so I can't wear black
and it's you know I want don't upstage
the bride so I shouldn't wear red and
she's really going through all these
machinations to try to choose the right
dress and I'm just a dude I don't know
anything about anything and she one day
she shows me here's the dress I bought
it was the silky lavender number and I
was like oh great it's a beautiful dress
shirt lovely so we go to Catalina Island
we we have the last people to step into
the the chapel or you know wherever they
got married and sure enough my
girlfriend's dress is the exact same as
all the bridesmaids dresses and so I had
the only reaction that I could possibly
have which is that I laughed because it
was funny um she didn't feel that this
was funny in fact she felt this was the
worst thing in the world given how hard
she looked for a dress she was so
terribly embarrassed and the fact that I
laughed meant that I was I was a a
terrible boyfriend who had had no
sensitivity to her feelings and and she
started like a thing like a big fight
right there as soon as they got married
she ran out of the chapel and we got
into like a you know a fight and there
was crying and then she left the wedding
just up up and left the wedding in this
you know the destination wedding where I
knew nobody and I had no choice but to
chase her back to the hotel and spend
three hours in the room crying with her
that should have been a good warning
shot for me alas it wasn't because the
same thing
had tap-in three or four more times for
me to realize that there was there was
some serious trouble I one time we were
at a restaurant on Melrose Avenue here
in Los Angeles and again I she lives far
away so for whatever she came up to
visit me as she would have to spend the
night with me so we're at this
restaurant and somehow we're looking at
another couple and we're being probably
a little bit snarky there was a there
was a woman who was much more attractive
than the man she was with and we were
debating whether the guy who was a
producer who just had a lot of money or
something like that and my girlfriend
out of nowhere said pretty much that it
was the exact same situation with with
us that she was much better looking than
I was and and she kind of went on with
it I was I you know for a second I
thought it was a joke but she was really
like being completely serious and again
objectively she was better looking than
iowa's you just just don't say that so
she was like twisting the knife and
explaining to me why she was better
looking than I was and it was this
really blatant attempt attempt to hurt
me and I told her to be quiet and she
gets up and this is during the
appetizers she gets up and she leaves
the restaurant she starts running down
the street and I'm whatever I'm 27 years
old she's 31 I think and I'm chasing her
down the street there's nowhere she
could go she's she's stuck because she
can't get home but I chase her down the
street and I get her in the car
and this happened at parties this
happened it was it was this incredible
sign of emotional immaturity that I put
up with because I was lonely um I was
poor she was beautiful and 75% of the
time she was nice to me it was just this
25 percent of the time that she was not
finally on I took her to my mom's house
this is in New York I was from my mom's
birthday I flew my girlfriend out to New
York she'd never been and I introduced
her to my mom and really within the
first hour of being at my mom's place as
was our
pattern right everything could be really
good and then I would say something and
she would get upset me and for the life
of me I never knew what it was that was
going to trigger her I'm not saying I'm
perfect I do I do speak before I think
certainly not sure if she could have a
podcast if you have to spend too much
time thinking but I I said something
which I which I can't remember and I
could just see her turn into ice she
just glazed over and I realized in that
moment I lost her and my mom was seeing
the things that I saw and I excused
myself from the room and I went
downstairs and I listened to my mom talk
to this woman and again that's not
necessarily a store that makes anybody
look good and my mom said to my
girlfriend she goes do you love him and
she says yes yes actually I do I
I love your son and my mom says then
shut the up it's swear to God
shut the up my mom says girlfriend
is sort of taken aback she says listen I
don't think my son is perfect I know
what his problems are you know what his
problems are but if you're going to be
in a relationship with him right you
largely just have to accept that this is
the way he is instead of constantly
icing him out and abandoning him and and
having these these big huge blowout
fights with him it's not a matter of
right and wrong it's if you can't accept
that this is who he is you should just
break up with him today so I'm not
telling you to just be quiet for the
sake of being quiet I'm saying that if
you can't accept him you should go find
another boyfriend that you can accept
otherwise you're both not going to be
happy good wisdom for my mom although
you wouldn't expect anybody to talk to
your girlfriend that way in the first
time you meet her my girlfriend dumped
me on the plane ride home from New York
which I thought was wonderful irony
after my mom told her to dump me it was
ultimately the right call of course and
this remains the worst relationship that
I ever had by far I held on for four
months to this roller coaster of a
relationship all for the wrong reasons
and I've never done anything like that
again they've almost made a career out
of telling other people how to avoid
such things so after the break we're
going to talk about signs that you're in
a bad relationship and what you can do
about it very specific things and this
is based on another relationship that a
friend of mine recently had where he
gave me some great feedback on his
girlfriend all this could apply equally
to men and women I really excited to
give it to you so stick around after the
break this is Evan mark katz with the
love u podcast I'll talk to you in a
second
you
this is Evan mark at dating courage for
smart strong successful women with the
love you Podcast teaching everything you
need to know about dating relationships
and men from a man's point of view we
are talking about signs that you're in a
bad relationship and how to avoid bad
relationships in the future and I want
to begin this segment by telling a story
about a close friend of mine who's just
coming off a unfortunate relationship
with a lovely woman
she's smart and she's fit and she's warm
and she's funny but she's troubled
single mom with a fractured family sort
of messed up relationship dynamics
anxious attachment style but she and my
friend had a really good connection a
deep connection great communication so
this is a case of two people who are
indubitably good people who already
giving away the end of the story
couldn't find a way to make things work
and I and I asked my friend afterwards
what he saw in the relationship that
that could have been seen as a red flags
to avoid and this is what he told me
first he started with this bullet point
once a mess always a mess and that's a
bit unfair to say for for many reasons
and people are incredibly capable of
change and evolution I'm perfect example
I was a mess throughout my entire 20s
and I was I was anxious and depressed
and I was unemployed and I was making
bad relationship choices and slowly but
surely I you know I got my act together
and and you know lead a happy stable
life now so the the once a mess always a
mess is is a bit binary and simplistic
but there's definitely something to it
there are people we all know who they
are who have a lot of the drama
surrounding them they're always in
between jobs
they're always talking about their crazy
exes or their messed-up family situation
or the person who stole money from them
nor write lots and lots of dramas so
when people feel like a whirlwind right
there at or note tornado that's sort of
coming into your world you might want to
take a look under the hood of that car
and at least consider in the back your
brain that perhaps this person is the
common denominator in their own life
this doesn't mean that they're a bad
person or an evil person but it means
that they might just come with trouble
sort of flipside of that that my friend
pointed out is that these folks often
present a very sanitized version of
their troubles so they know that they
have a crumbling house that is rotten in
the foundation and that the whole place
is a mess but before you come over they
clean everything so it looks really nice
from the outside metaphorically speaking
and so you could most people present
pretty well people know when they're a
mess and they they hide it people show
their best their best side to you on the
first date or the first month of the
first couple months and they do their
best to for lack of a better term hide
their crazy
when things are new when you're having
sex when you are going through the
courtship process and so this isn't a
call to necessarily be skeptical of that
this is a if anything building on the
previous point about once a mess oh is a
mess even people who have messy houses
who try to clean them sometimes leave a
few things out and sometimes little
stories can be writ large you could pick
up on something early in a relationship
that's a big precursor to something that
may happen in the future I think of a
client of mine her name is Linda this is
many years ago this is early in my
career and she I helped her get a
boyfriend within within two or three
weeks of working together and she was
smitten with him and he
he was 40 and he was retired and he was
wealthy and he was charismatic and he
was everything and they were instantly
in love and traveling and talking about
a future but we had a 12 week contract
to work together even though I got her a
boyfriend into two or three weeks and so
what do we talk about for the next you
know eight nine weeks what we talked
about what I asked her to look for in
her boyfriends things like this right
what are the things that leaves you
feeling a little off-balance one of the
things that make you scratch your head
and say one of the things that make you
feel a little uncomfortable and unsure
no matter how in love no matter how nice
and generous and enthusiastic he's being
right now sure enough she said you know
he sometimes dismisses my arguments he
sees so he's so confident he's so
opinionated he's looking kind of a right
wing guy and I'm a little more more
left-wing liberal and and sometimes he
just I just feel dismissed or unheard
he's he's got a little bit of a temper
and he seems to override me sometimes
but that's the only problem is he sure
enough not surprisingly one year later I
checked in with her and she had just
broken up with him after a one-year
relationship for the very reason that
she noted when she first started dating
in that little story got writ large over
the long term the third reason that my
friend talked about being skeptical
about a relationship signs that things
aren't working he said relationships
could feed you or they can drain you and
I think that's totally totally true one
of my big love you
concepts is that relationships are easy
right if your relationship isn't easy
it's not that good it's one of my
theories and and a lot of people talk
about you know you've got to work hard
for your relationships relationships
take work work work work now
relationships take effort you have to
put in time you have to be thoughtful of
the person you're with but it's not work
it's not like labor it shouldn't keep
you up at night oh my god how do we work
how do we make this thing happen
I'm not an energy person per se but
let's just say that that my friends
analogy is true relationships could
either fill up your cup oh just being in
this person's presence coming home to
this person speaking with this person on
the phone at night makes me feel better
consistently or man every other
interaction is like tiring where we talk
about us and where it's going and
there's these misunderstandings and I
say this and he says this and all right
that's that's a real drain pay attention
to those drains they don't necessarily
get better over time they're not things
that you can work on good relationships
healthy relationships are ones where the
puzzle pieces just fit really really
naturally and they leave you feeling
rejuvenated and understood and comforted
and excited they don't leave you feel
feeling tired frustrated and
misunderstood as you know the
relationship I spoke about earlier does
and my friends relationship did some
people I mean feel actually a sense of
dread when they're about to talk to
their boyfriend or girlfriend dread is
not a feeling you want to associate with
your romantic relationships the next
point is that some people at certain
points in their life can't create happy
relationships and if it again if it
feels like it's a whole ton of work
that's not a coincidence that's a that's
a person who may have the best
intentions but is not in a place to
really be there alright maybe his mom is
dying maybe he's going through a custody
battle with his kids maybe he's losing
his job or he's in a midlife crisis
maybe he's drained from travel maybe he
is ran again these are not excuses to
let someone off the hook emotionally for
being a bad partner all right this this
this means that you shouldn't be with
that partner right that the timing in
that person's life is such that the
perfect woman could walk in the door and
he would still not be able to have
enough self awareness self esteem time
motivation to be the the kind of present
doting attentive self aware boyfriend
that you need sometimes people need to
in life because life circumstances are
so great and unfortunately that's the
reason that good people are like two
ships passing the night in a night the
timing is wrong and at certain points in
your life you're not able willing or
ready to have a real relationship
another thing that my friend found
draining in his relationship is that he
this is this is sensitive so I want to
figure out how to say this he had
trouble with her inability to grasp
reality I call myself a reality based
dating coach so this is something that's
really close to home with me but through
this woman's trouble she felt like a
victim and she was sort of a constant
victim she was a victim of her dad she
was a victim of her ex and she was a
victim of her employer and and gosh you
know III could say there's you know
there was definitely time in life that I
felt the exact same way I felt like
forces were conspiring to keep me down
and life was unfair and everybody was
terrible and that's only a piece of the
puzzle in reality we are the common
denominators in our life right in
reality we have a lot of control over
own our own destiny to make the best of
our circumstances and my friend had
trouble communicating with his partner
because she didn't want to see herself
as the common denominator it was just
easier to say that she was a victim and
when two people are not really on the
same plan about how to fix problems in
life it means that there's some sort of
in congruence that's going to threaten
the relationship and then there's this
last piece and this comes from jonah
lehrer he wrote a book called how we
decide and again it seems sort of glib
to say this but that that idea is to
trust your gut your guts really powerful
we're all experts in pattern-recognition
whether we know it or not when we see
something that that seems a little bit
off our guts off and know it before our
brains do and in Larry's book he talks
about to two brain systems essentially
there's your emotional brain and your
rational brain and you need both of them
to make decisions so I just want to read
you this quote from his book how we
decide because I think it's so
telling he writes if the emotional brain
is the audience constantly sending out
visceral signals about its likes and
dislikes then the prefrontal cortex is
the smart executive patiently monitoring
emotional reactions and deciding which
to take seriously the rational brain
can't silence emotions but it can help
figure out which ones to take seriously
use your conscious mind to acquire all
the information you need for making a
decision but don't try to analyze the
information with your conscious mind
instead go on a holiday while your
unconscious mind digests it whatever
your intuition tells you is almost
certainly going to be the best choice as
long as someone has sufficient
experience in that domain he shouldn't
spend too much time consciously
contemplating the alternatives the
hardest calls are the ones that require
the most feeling and so I reiterate even
though I try to do a lot of cerebral sac
Bates based stuff as a dating coach
there's nothing that's more important
than listening to that that gut of yours
and saying do I feel safe do I feel
heard do I feel comfortable can I feel
like I could be myself around this
person do I trust this person
those are gut feelings they're not
coming from up here all right
so bad relationships are usually where
strangely even though we may be in love
we ignore our gut feeling something's
really wrong here and if you feel
something's really wrong here there's
very little incentive to continue to
proceed down that path waiting for the
inevitable crash like so many of us to
do I've just cited stories of me and my
best friend who did the exact same thing
so in saying that I'm not telling you to
look for only perfect people and we're
talking about signs of bad relationship
and I talk about baggage and people
saying things that make you
uncomfortable listen it's not about
looking for perfect people it's really
more about avoiding getting on a sinking
ship if you get on the sinking ship
you're not really allowed to complain
that it's sinking so when you choose to
date someone whose life is in disarray
as I did when I was dating someone who
was unemployed and living with her mom
as my friend did his girlfriend was
unemployed at the time and he had her
virtually move in with him because she
had nowhere to turn this is early in the
relationship when you when you're taking
on someone who just is not in a good
place in life it's there's this there's
this part of you that really wants to
save someone it's based on their
kindness and their potential in your
chemistry it's not your job to save
anybody it's really not this isn't your
your son right I don't want to sound
like I'm callous but when you have to
rehabilitate someone just to be on an
equal playing field with you you don't
find yourself in an equal relationship
you're sort of wilfully taking on some a
project and your partner your man should
not be your project he should be your
your equal partner so staying away from
sinking ships might mean one thing it
might mean you're single for a longer
period of time and that's not a bad
thing all right much rather you be
single and open to meeting someone who
does have his act together then to stay
with someone who requires so much
maintenance so much up and down who is
such an energy and time drain where you
keep on getting your cup drained instead
of refilled by his presence the
important takeaway one of the important
takeaways I would hope you get from this
podcast is that I don't want you to
mistake connection passion or even love
for you know attachment or enduring love
I did that the feeling is very different
than what marriage actually looks like
all right someone who leads at the calm
stable life that's not boring someone
who leads a really exciting life because
they're constantly losing their job and
getting into fights with people they may
be fascinating to talk to you because of
all their drama that's not a stable
situation that you want to insert
yourself in so if your relationship has
a lot of turmoil it's the kind of
relationship that is certainly worth
reconsidering and you're probably not
going to be very happy with it right
whether it's with your friends with your
family or with your significant other
you deserve someone who could provide
and a foundation for you and that's
rarely to be found
on a sinking ship so I want to thank you
as always for joining me here on the
loving podcast it is my pleasure to be
your host my name is evan mark katz the
next episode I'm going to talk about how
to stop men from walking all over you
you're going to want to tune in if you
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you