Hey, Bill, what’s up, bud?
HADER: Oh, hey, man. What’s going on?
Uh, first of all, thanks for being here.
-HADER: Hey, no problem. -But we were just thinking,
maybe, uh, we do a cold open at the beginning,
and we do, like, a little sketchy thing.
If-if you wanted to be in it, you could be.
HADER: Ah...
Nah, I’d rather not, if that’s cool.
I always find those things to be kind of...
you know, corny and...
Yeah. Yeah, they’re stupid.
No, no, you don’t have to.
-HADER: Is that cool? -Yeah, yeah, no. I don’t care.
-HADER: Thanks, man. -No, I don’t even do ’em that much.
He’s not into it, he’s not into it.
-Abort. -PRODUCER: Tell him you’re sorry.
No, we’re not doing it. We’re not doing it.
It’s (bleep) so embarrassing.
Joe, go. Everybody run.
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
♪ You’re amazing ♪
♪ You’re still fat. ♪
ANNOUNCER: And now... David Spade!
-♪ ♪ -(cheering)
Henry!
Hey, Bill.
(cheering and applause continues)
Thank you.
Hey.
Thanks, guys.
All right!
You guys, thanks.
Let’s get started right at it.
Big show.
This weekend, Madonna celebrated
her 61st birthday by turning 70.
Madonna had a huge birthday party.
It went from 4:00 p.m. ’til 7:00 p.m.
That way no one had to drive home after dark.
Friends say Madonna doesn’t look a day over a leather handbag.
HADER: Oh.
-Damn. All right. -No.
I might take that out.
Katy Perry has been accused of sexually harassing
a Russian TV host.
The woman says she can’t sleep at night
thinking about how rich she’s gonna be.
Elon Musk wants to drop nuclear bombs on Mars
to prepare it for humans.
This is all part of a new segment called
"Why the Aliens Hate Us.”
(laughter)
Statistics show that nearly half of Americans
wear the same pair of underwear
for at least two days in a row.
-(audience reacts) -I know, right?
My underwear is like a hostage situation.
"We are into day 29.”
(laughter)
-The L.A. sex party club -HADER/CARDEN: The L.A. sex
party club is now accepting applications.
(laughing)
-Are you reading the jokes? -HADER: Yeah.
SPADE: I’m just making them up.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh.
-They don’t get it. -Oh.
-HADER: Oh. Right. -CARDEN: Oh. Yes.
-Right. -Sorry. -SPADE: Do you want to read it,
-or do you want me to do it? -No, you got it.
-Why don’t you do it? -It’s your show. Sorry.
Actually, I wouldn’t do this one if I were you.
The L.A. sex party club is now accepting applications.
-(Hader whoops) -Hard pass.
An L.A. sex party is just getting a lazy hand job
while someone tells you about their audition that day.
Am I right, Henry?
-HADER: Smile, thank you. -Yeah.
HADER: Thank you.
(laughter)
Were you just taking a picture of them without me in it?
No you’re in it, too, but way in the back.
SPADE: Okay.
(laughter)
(sighs)
According to the EPA,
chemicals in Malaysian rivers are making the fish "gay.”
I had that chemical once in college,
it was called "20 bucks.”
(laughter)
Alligators have been seen climbing fences
and swimming across flooded roads in Arizona.
Where?
(laughing)
-Why is it Arizona? -SPADE: You know what?
You do just make these up, don’t you?
No, you know what happened? I thought I did college,
and then I thought we went to college in Arizona,
and then I... (bleep) the joke.
CARDEN: Wow.
-HADER: Oh, yeah, this is awesome. -Shit.
I swear that’s what happened.
-I was like... -That was great.
Also in Florida,
a man was arrested for dumping dirt
on his girlfriend with a tractor.
Or, as it’s known in Florida, "proposing.”
HADER: Burn.
-Florida burn. -CARDEN: Burn on Florida.
(cheering, whooping, applause)
Florida’s taken a couple of body shots.
-Bill? -HADER: What?
I said, Florida’s taken a couple of body shots.
-Oh, burn. -Burn. -Sorry. Yeah, burn.
-Hard burn. -Florida burn.
The singer of Counting Crows has shaved his trademark dreadlocks.
-(Hader whoops) -But don’t worry.
He donated his hair to douchebags with cancer.
(laughter)
Jeffrey Epstein bought women’s panties while in jail.
Those panties were the second tightest thing
he put on in jail.
(laughter and groaning)
Oh, yeah. Team Epstein, huh? Okay.
(laughter)
Finally, on the last episode
of Keeping Up with the Kardashians,
Kim Kardashian credited her career to Paris Hilton.
I’d give Ray J at least nine inches of credit, you know?
Uh, let’s meet the panel.
Henry Winkler, Bill Hader, D’Arcy Carden.
(cheering and applause)
Hey. Yeah!
Oh, you guys.
Yeah.
-I don’t know what I’m doing. -Yeah.
Uh, I’m excited to have everybody here.
Doesn’t seem like it. I am excited to have you.
-But... (laughs) -CARDEN: Are you?
I love the show. It’s great.
I just had one quick question.
Bill, playing an assassin...
Yes.
-You’re Henry. Henry. -I am.
-Bill. D’Arcy. -Bill.
-CARDEN: That’s right. -But I can answer for him.
I didn’t have a question.
-But you were on Happy Days. -I was.
(cheering and applause)
And do you think...
And this is sort of a fair question,
’cause it was a phenomenon, and it was a while ago.
But do you think more people know you today
from Happy Days or Barry or Waterboy?
You know, uh, when something is happening
-by walking through an airport. -SPADE: Mm.
So there are... There’s the Happy Days contingent.
-SPADE: Yeah. -There is the Scream
and the Waterboy contingent.
There is, uh, honest-honestly,
-there is the Parks and Rec contingent. -SPADE: Yeah.
-Oh! -(cheering and applause)
Uh, there is the Arrested Development contingent.
(cheering and applause)
And now I am stopped almost exclusively
-for Barry. -SPADE: Love it.
-CARDEN: Good show. -(cheering and applause)
That’s awesome.
Bill and I went to school together.
-Yeah, what’s that about? -Yeah, we went to school to...
-We went to Scottsdale Community College. -SPADE: Yeah.
-CARDEN: Were you guys... -(laughter)
Isn’t that funny?
-We were artichokes. -Yeah, it was the Fighting Artichokes,
and we were... It was sort of a thing
-in college. -Did you know each other then?
Did you find each other at school?
-No. -No. Uh, David,
-you’re quite a bit older. -All right.
I was trying to go, "Don’t say it."
Uh... yes.
David’s like, "Yeah, we went to school together.
-Hell, yeah, we did." -Yeah, we went to school, and, uh...
But that’s good they had two people.
Lorne, I think, goes there and scouts talent.
HADER: Yeah, I think Lorne does walk around.
Pokes his head in classes. "Just, can I eyeball it?"
-"Oh, shop class." -Um... (laughs)
"The artichokes.
"The artichoke center is really funny
-on the basketball..." -(ringing)
-Whoa. -Oh.
Oh, we have a celebrity hotline calling.
Yeah. (gasps)
-Hey, Stephen Root! -Oh! Hey!
-Hey. Yeah. -Hey.
-Hey, Root! -Hey.
-It’s Stephen Root from Barry. -Hi, David.
-We love Root. -Stephen really wanted to be here, but, uh...
I know you wanted to be here, but you’re on location
for a shoot. You couldn’t make it.
Well, David, I... (laughs)
I’m location here in L.A.
-I could’ve made it. -Oh.
Oh, I just thought with the traffic and parking,
it wouldn’t be worth it.
Uh, douchebag, I’m two buildings over.
-Somebody told me it was a... -CARDEN: Uh-oh.
Somebody told me it was a chair problem.
That is true, because I said we had four chairs,
and I forgot I was in one of them, so...
-Uh-huh. Yeah. -And there’s a chair union,
and I don’t want to deal with those mobsters.
Wow, what a complete asshole.
Okay, I’ll see you. Done.
-Oh, no. -That’s it?
-Wow, that’s it. -No!
-Stephen Root. Aw. -(cheering and applause)
He seems like a fun guy.