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BAND, EVERYBODY, LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND!
( APPLAUSE )
GLUZ IT'S CALLED "GRATITUDE." >> Stephen: I LOVE IT, WHAT A
WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, TENDING THE DAY'S NEWS BAR,
BLENDING FOR YOU THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL ST. GEORGE CITRUS
VODKA, JUICE FROM THE MOST SUCCULENT CASTELO STORY LIMES,
BEN LEAR CRANBERRIES, AND COINTREAU TO SERVE UP THE
DELICIOUS AND PERFECTLY BALANCED COSMO THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HUFF STEAMBOAT
LUBRICANTS AND CRASH A STOLEN HANG GLIDER INTO THE CAFETERIA
OF AN ABANDONED MENTAL HOSPITAL WHERE I BLEND UP SOME OLD
PUDDING MIX, DRAIN CLEANER, AND EXPIRED DILAUDID TO SERVE YOU
THE TRESPASSER'S DEMON DAIQUIRI OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
IT FORGIVES ALL. MEANWHILE, AFTER SEVERAL
UNPLEASANT INCIDENTS, "CARNIVAL CRUISE LINE WILL NOW
FINE PASSENGERS $500 FOR ROWDY BEHAVIOR."
AND FOR REPEATED OFFENSES, YOU WILL BE SENTENCED TO ANOTHER
CARNIVAL CRUISE.
SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH, "SCIENTISTS HAVE SUCCESSFULLY
TRANSPLANTED CLUSTERS OF HUMAN NEURONS INTO THE BRAINS OF
RATS," WHICH "GREW INTO MILLIONS OF NEW NEURONS AND WIRED
THEMSELVES INTO THEIR NEW NERVOUS SYSTEMS."
THAT'S AMAZING. IT'S POSSIBLE ONE DAY RAT'S
BRAINS MIGHT BE SO MUCH LIKE HUMANS THAT THEY STAY AWAKE AT
NIGHT ASKING THEMSELVES, "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
WE ARE MONSTERS. GOOD LORD, CLEANSE THE EARTH
WITH FIRE." MEANWHILE, AT A PROMOTIONAL
EVENT FOR DC'S "BLACK ADAM," A FATHER IN THE AUDIENCE
CROWD-SURFED HIS BABY OVER TO DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON.
HERE HE GOES. THERE HE GOES.
AND THERE'S THE ROCK TAKING THE INFANT.
A LITTLE TIP TO DADS OUT THERE: DO NOT LET A CROWD OF STRANGERS
PASS YOUR BABY AROUND. IF YOU'RE TAKING YOUR CHILD TO A CROWDED
VENUE LIKE THAT, DO THE RESPONSIBLE THING AND STORE THEM
AT THE COAT CHECK. STUFF THEM INSIDE A COAT.
STUFF THEM INSIDE A COAT.
TICKET, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? MEANWHILE, AS A COMMENTARY ON
FINANCIAL FORCES IN THE ART WORLD, PAINTER DAMIEN HIRST "HAS
BEGUN BURNING THOUSANDS OF HIS OWN PAINTINGS."
OKAY. MEANWHILE--
( LAUGHTER )
JEFFREY DAHMER HAS BECOME NETFLIX'S SECOND BIGGEST SERIES
EVER. IT'S SUCH A HUGE HIT THAT
NETFLIX JUST ANNOUNCED THEIR LATEST SEIES: "BRIDGERTON BUT
THEY EAT PEOPLE."
IT'S QUESTIONABLE. IT'S A QUESTIONABLE IDEA.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'D WATCH THAT. MEANWHILE, THE "STATUE OF
LIBERTY'S CROWN IS OPENING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE
PANDEMIC STARTED." IT IS A LANDMARK MOMENT IN THE
CITY'S RECOVERY THAT HAS MILLIONS OF NEW YORKERS SAYING,
"YEAH, I'VE NEVER BEEN. YOU GOTTA GET ON A BOAT.
IT'S A WHOLE THING. I CAN SEE HER.
I CAN SEE HER RIGHT OVER THERE." IF YOU PLAN ON VISITING THE OL'
HEADPIECE, THE TREK TO THE CROWN CONSISTS OF "162 STEPS, AND
THERE IS NO ELEVATOR." WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THOSE HUDDLES
MASSES ARE ALWAYS TIRED AND YEARNING TO BREATHE.
MEANWHILE, "A MAN IS SUING 'TEXAS PETE' BECAUSE THE HOT
SAUCE IS MADE IN NORTH CAROLINA."
WAIT 'TIL THIS GUY HEARS ABOUT MARS BARS.
( LAUGHTER )
MARS BARS. MEANWHILE, IF YOU HAVE MONEY IN
THE STOCK MARKET, YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT
"STRESSED-OUT WALL STREET EXECUTIVES HAVE BEEN FLOCKING TO
SO-CALLED 'KETAMINE CLINICS' FOR HALLUCINOGENIC I.V.
THERAPY." BUT DON'T BE FREAKED OUT THAT
THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ARE TRIPPING
BALLS. I'M SURE THEY'LL STILL REMEMBER
THE SIMPLE RULE: YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BUY LOW
AND SELL HIGH.
BRO. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THE
STOCKS ARE TRADING US. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GEORGE
STEPHANOPOULOS. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )