>> THE ONGOING RELEASE OF HACKED E-MAILS BY WIKILEAKS HAS MADE
CYBER SECURITY A PROMINENT ISSUE IN THIS ELECTION.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS IS OUR OWN LESLIE JONES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, COLIN.
GREAT TO BE HERE. >> IT IS GREAT TO HAVE YOU,
LESLIE. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ALL
THESE E-MAIL HACKS? >> WELL, COLIN, I WAS RECENTLY
HACKED MYSELF. >> REALLY?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. >> YEAH.
YOU KNOW. ALL THEY DID WAS RELEASE SOME
NUDE PICS OF ME. WHICH IS NOTHING, BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW THIS, BUT I AIN'T SHY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, YEAH, I ACTUALLY
NOTICED THAT, YEAH. >> OF COURSE YOU NOTICED, HONEY
BUNCHES OF JOST. [ LAUGHTER ]
I AM VERY COMFORTABLE WITH WHO I AM.
I AM AN OPEN BOOK. I KEEP MY PORN IN A FOLDER
LABELED, "PORN." [ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOU WANT TO SEE LESLIE JONES NAKED, JUST ASK.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ]
JUST ASK! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, IF YOU WANT TO HURT ANYBODY THESE
DAYS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO WAY MORE THAN LEAK THEIR NEWS OR
CALL THEM NAMES. YOU CAN'T EMBARRASS ME MORE THAN
I HAVE EMBARRASSED MYSELF. I KNOW ALL THE DETAILS 'CAUSE I
WAS THERE. I WAS THERE IN THE THIRD GRADE
WHEN I TOLD THIS BOY JOHNNY I LIKED HIM AND HE HIT ME IN THE
BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A ROCK. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS THERE WHEN I HAD A FAKE WEDDING WITH EL DeBARGE IN MY
BEDROOM. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS THERE WHEN PRINCE WAS WALKING TOWARDS ME SMILING ALL
HAPPY TO SEE ME, UNTIL HE REALIZED I WAS NOT CHRIS ROCK.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WAIT, HOLD ON.
PRINCE THOUGHT YOU WERE CHRIS ROCK?
>> YEAH, MAN, IN THE DARK WE LOOK ALIKE.
HIGH-TOP FADE, TEETH. [ LAUGHTER ]
ANYWAY, COLIN. DO YOU THINK SOME WORDS ON THE
INTERNET CAN HURT ME? I ONCE HAD A CRAZY BITCH TRY TO
BEAT ME WITH A SHOVEL AT THE BUS STOP BECAUSE I TOOK HER PLACE ON
THE BENCH. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY SWINGING SHOVELS! [ APPLAUSE ]
IF I WAS GOOD AT COMPUTERS I WOULDN'T WASTE IT TROLLING
PEOPLE, I WOULD DO SOMETHING USEFUL.
LIKE RENEW MY DRIVER'S LICENSE FROM HOME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WOULD HACK INTO TINDER AND
DELETE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS' PROFILES, SO NO MATTER WHERE YOU
SWIPE, YOU GET ME. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU IN MISSOURI? YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN?
YOU GON' GET ME! [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
MATTER OF FACT, IF I WAS THAT GOOD AT COMPUTERS I WOULD BUILD
A MAN. A PERFECT MASCULINE ROBOT MAN.
OKAY? FORGET ABOUT "WEST WORLD," I'M
TALKING ABOUT LESLIE WORLD. FULL OF PERFECT ROBOTS WITH
PERFECT PENISES. >> PERFECT PENISES?
>> YEAH, LIKE YOU BUT BIGGER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN.
YOU SEEM UNFAZED BY THESE ONLINE TROLLS.
>> I'VE SPENT DECADES GETTING ROASTED BY COMEDIANS.
BLACK COMEDIANS AT THAT, OKAY. THE CRACKHEAD FROM THE MOVIE
"FRIDAY" HAS A WHOLE HOUR ON MY FEET.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO TRUST ME.
AT A CERTAIN POINT YOU GOT TO STOP BEING EMBARRASSED AND JUST
START BEING YOU. AND I HAVE BEEN ME FOR 49 YEARS.
BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HACK ME IS ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OKAY?
AND MY FIREWALL IS A CRAZY-ASS BITCH WITH A SHOVEL.
>> LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> A WOMAN IN UTAH GAVE BIRTH TO HER BABY AT A WALMART CHECKOUT
LINE, THIS ACCORDING TO THE JANITOR'S RESIGNATION LETTER.
>> THIS WEEK MICHAEL MOORE RELEASED A SURPRISE NEW MOVIE
CALLED "TRUMPLAND" WHICH URGES PEOPLE NOT TO VOTE FOR TRUMP.
SO IF YOU'RE A PERSON WHO LOVES MICHAEL MOORE AND YOU'RE STILL
ON THE FENCE ABOUT TRUMP, YOU DON'T EXIST.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> CONGRATULATIONS TO THE
CHICAGO CUBS WHO JUST DEFEATED THE DODGERS --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] TO REACH THE WORLD SERIES FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN 71 YEARS. OH, MAN.
ANOTHER OUTCOME RIGGED BY HILLARY CLINTON.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE MOST POPULAR HALLOWEEN
COSTUMES THIS THE YEAR ARE HARLEY QUINN AND KYLO REN.
AND DRACULA. SORRY.
RUDY GIULIANI. >> WITH THE ELECTION ONLY TWO
WEEKS AWAY, BOTH CANDIDATES ARE TRYING TO GET A FINAL MESSAGE TO
THEIR SUPPORTERS. HERE WITH HER FINAL THOUGHTS ON
THE ELECTION IS THE GIRL YOU HOPE TO START A CONVERSATION
WITH AT A PARTY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO MICHAEL CHE. THANKS FOR FINALLY LETTING A
WOMAN ON LATE-NIGHT TV. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO I ASSUME YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH THE ELECTION?
>> HERE'S A THOUGHT, MICHAEL. MAYBE TRY BEING WOKE FOR A
CHANGE, OKAY? CAUSE "KEVIN CAN WAIT" BUT
SYRIAN REFEREES CAN'T. OKAY?
A NEWS FLASH, MICHAEL. 40% OF CHILDREN ARE JUST THEIR
LEGS. THAT'S ACCORDING TO DOCTORS,
MICHAEL CHE. >> YEAH, OKAY, CAN YOU PLEASE
TELL US ABOUT THE CANDIDATES? >> PLEASE DO NOT MAN-TERRUPT ME
WHEN I'M WO-MAKING A POINT, MICHAEL.
THIS 'LECTION IS A MISGRACE, OKAY?
IT'S A COLOSTOMY, MICHAEL. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SORRY, BUT IF I CAN PLAY DOUBLES ABACUS FOR A SECOND.
I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE REASON JILLIAN ASSANGE IS IN JAIL IS
BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT WOMEN HAVE TO DO WHEN WE VOTE?
WE HAVE TO SHOW OUR IUD. I'M SORRY.
THAT'S OUT-RIGHTEOUS, MICHAEL. THAT'S CALLED A BUBBLE STANDARD
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?
>> WHAT? >> BAAH, BAAH, BAAH.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> THAT'S THE IMPRESSION OF YOU.
BECAUSE YOU'RE A SHEEP-HOLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> JESUS. >> QUICK.
WHO ARE YOU GOING FOR AS HALLOWEEN?
>> I DON'T REALLY DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN.
>> I'M GOING AS JUSTICE. DAVID JUSTICE.
>> THE BASEBALL PLAYER? >> WOW, SO ALL BLACK GUYS ARE
JUST ATHLETES TO YOU. >> HE PLAYS BASEBALL.
>> NO, MICHAEL, YOU JUST PLAYED YOURSELF.
>> OH MY GOD. >> SIS!
>> IS YOUR SISTER HERE? >> NO, I'M CALLING OUT CISGENDER
PEOPLE OUT THERE. I'M SERIOUS, MICHAEL.
I NEED TO GO TO CUBA SO BAD BEFORE WHITE PEOPLE RUIN IT.
>> YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THE ELECTION.
CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR?
>> HOW DARE YOU. THAT'S CALLED VOTER INSEMINATION
WHAT YOU'RE DOING, I'M SORRY. MY FRIEND'S FLOGS WERE RIGHT
ABOUT YOU. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> YOU KNOW, FINE, MAYBE TELL A JOKE INSTEAD SINCE THAT'S WHAT
THIS WHOLE ELECTION IS ANYWAY. >> FINE, TELL US A JOKE.
>> KNOCK KNOCK. >> WHO'S THERE?
>> INTERRUPTING POLAR BEAR. >> INTERRUPTING POLAR BEAR --
>> TOO LATE. GLOBAL WARNING ALREADY KILLED
HIM. AND NOW HE STINKED.
>> STINKED? >> YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT. HE STINKED.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME SAMSUNG
GALASSY, BECAUSE I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND UP.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> GIRL AT A PARTY, EVERYONE!
>> FREE EL CHEAPO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MICHAEL CH