- The next 18 messages on my phone
were dudes really trying hard to fuck me.
[laughter]
Which by call seven was getting flattering.
[dark electronic music]
[bell ringing]
Oh. [chuckles]
Nicely done.
Yes.
Mmm.
Mmm!
[moaning]
[piglet whining]
♪ ♪
[fork clatters]
♪ ♪
[whining]
♪ ♪
[whining continues]
♪ ♪
Dawg, that was so delicious.
[cheers and applause]
He's my good friend.
You know him from the podcast
"Legion of Skanks" and "The Bonfire."
Big Jay Oakerson!
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my story is a tough one.
I'm baring my soul a little bit here.
- I'm not gonna be the hero of this story.
It's about cheating. It's about me cheating.
And I know generally I think of myself as a pretty
likable comedian.
But once I start talking about me cheating,
I realize how white trash I look.
Like, it's very... [laughter]
I'm wearing knuckle gloves for fashion.
I have wallet chains.
I wear a scarf in my back pocket
that a friend told me recently they thought was
an extra T-shirt I keep 'cause I'm fat.
[laughter]
Definitely sending the wrong message.
[laughter]
But this happened about 13 years ago.
I got caught cheating.
I was with my daughter's mother
at the time, and I was a 23-year-old
fat kid doing comedy.
And after a show one night, I met a girl.
Very pretty. I was very insecure.
It was no nice to have this really cute chick
walk up to me, and she made an offer
I kind of couldn't refuse.
It was essentially...
"Wanna fuck?"
[laughter]
You know, I was like, "Yeah.
I would like to."
And we did.
And you know you're supposed to with a girl
who walks up and says, "Wanna fuck?"
After you fuck her,
you make her your long-term side girlfriend.
[laughter]
Which I went ahead and did.
And I was seeing her for a while,
and it was a wild--a wild time.
A lot of things out of my wheelhouse.
She was younger than me,
and I was taking naked pictures of her,
she was taking naked pictures of me,
we're fucking in all kinds of weird places.
It was a good time.
But I'm doing a bad, bad thing.
And one day I'm at the side girl's house,
and as I'm looking through my phone for something,
she notices that her phone number is under a fake name.
And she goes, "What's that all about?"
And I was like, "Oh."
Now, here's the mistake I'm making in cheating.
And I'm not encouraging this or telling you how to do it...
[light laughter]
But if you do,
you can't lie to both chicks.
[laughter]
One of them has to know what's going on.
I really...
[laughter]
I really enjoy--there's a girl nodding her head
like I'm giving a speech about...
[laughter]
The fucking pipeline or something.
She's like... [laughter]
"Give those natives back their land."
[laughter]
One of them's got to know the truth.
I was lying to both. That's a mistake.
So, when she goes, "Why is my number different
in your phone-- my name's not in your phone?"
I was like, "Oh, yeah, you know, when we first met,
"I didn't remember your name, so I put it in
"as a different name.
I knew it started with an L."
And she's like, "Yeah, but it says 'Larry.'"
[laughter]
And I'm like, "That it does."
[laughter]
She's like, "You're lying to me.
Something's weird. You're lying."
I go, "You're crazy. You're being crazy.
"Let me show you how not afraid I am
to have your name in my phone."
I put her name as her first name,
my last name.
And then I go home...yeah.
[laughter]
I go home that night,
and like a real true piece of shit,
I put my cell phone every night in my pillowcase.
[laughter]
I told you I don't look good.
I promise I get mine at the end of this.
I usually turn it off, put it in my pillowcase.
Why would I tell my ex that?
Because I don't like to be bothered when I'm asleep.
So I keep my phone off and in my pillowcase.
[light laughter]
It was a terrible lie.
But I didn't turn it off that night.
And in the morning,
this girl--the side girl--
starts calling my phone a ton.
And I'm sleeping like a baby cherub.
I'm so peaceful.
She eventually-- my ex picks up the phone
and sees this girl's first name with my last name,
and is like, you know,
"I've never heard of this cousin or auntie."
[laughter]
She goes ahead and answers the phone.
"Who's this?"
"Jay's girlfriend. Who's this?"
"Jay's girlfriend."
And then, the nightmare happens.
They have an hour-long conversation about me
while I am sleeping like no one's--
I'm just scratching balls.
Visions of sugarplums.
[laughter]
They talk for an hour.
They figure it all out.
My ex was in law school at the time.
That's important to the story, because she woke me up
by pecking me in the face with a law book.
[laughter]
A very thick book, a lot of torts, and...
[laughter]
That must have been civil law or something.
It was a lot.
And she wakes me up.
We have a terrible, terrible argument,
and everything blows up in my face,
and now two people in the world absolutely fucking hate me.
And I deserve that. I get that.
But the saving grace of my life at the time was,
I feel terrible; I'm a human being.
I know I've hurt people.
But I'm like, you know what?
I just remembered.
I think the day after tomorrow, I'm going to South Africa
for three weeks.
[stammers] I get to get away from this
for a little bit, let the heat die down.
And then that night, I got a reminder on my phone
that says I'm not leaving for South Africa
for an entire other week.
So I've got to live in this hatred for a week.
And every day it's just two people finding me
and cursing me out and kicking me in the nuts.
I got the whole deal.
And the nights were bad.
I was drinking a lot.
I have some weird stories from that.
I--I was driven home one night by a midget.
[laughter]
I don't know if I knew him before that night.
I don't think I did.
I just remember the whole drive going, like,
"How does he get those pedals?"
But... [laughter]
There's these big wood sticks that come up.
It's freaky.
The night before I left for South Africa,
I drunkenly got these two star tattoos on my elbows
right before I sat in the middle seat
of a 26-hour flight to South Africa.
Yeah, it sucked.
[laughter]
I'm in South Africa. I'm very sad.
Things are not going good for me in my life.
I'm bummed out.
I'm there for about a week
and I'm like, you know what?
This is before the time of
international cell phone plans.
This is calling card shit.
So I go, "Let me check my messages on my cell phone."
And I dial up the numbers, and I go--
it says, "You have 19 messages."
The first message is my friend, Wayne,
a gay man who lives in the East Village of New York City,
very gay.
He goes, "Uh, hey, pal, I was just cruising through
Craigslist's 'Men Looking for Men'"...
[laughter]
"And I saw--I saw an ad
with your name in it..."
[laughter]
"A naked picture of you-- and it is you..."
[laughter]
"With your phone number and your TV credits."
[laughter]
He goes, "I don't know if this is something
that you wanted..."
[laughter]
"But I feel like it's not.
So I'm gonna go ahead and flag it for you."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Okay.
"Wayne's gonna take care of that.
All right, Wayne's on the job."
[laughter]
And the picture, by the way, for the record?
Me and this girl, she got out of the shower one day--
the side girl--
in a towel, and she flashed it open,
I took a picture of her.
And she was like, "No fair."
And I go, "What do you want, to take a picture of me?"
And she goes, "Yeah." So, jokingly,
as I'm out of the shower, too,
and I mean with real, just-took-a-shower dick...
[laughter]
It's a picture of me, full body,
butt-naked, 70 pounds heavier
with my arms up in the doorjamb,
really trying to stretch it all out,
just trying to get the best...
If there was a centerfold of "Fat Quarterly,"
that's what it would be.
That's the fat Tom Selleck.
[laughter]
- Hell no. - "Hell no" is right.
[laughter]
Whoever said that is right.
It wasn't a flattering picture.
However...
the next 18 messages on my phone
were dudes really trying hard to fuck me.
[laughter]
Which by call seven was getting flattering.
And some of those dudes wanted to fuck me bad.
I mean, they put in their...
Steve--a guy named Steve-- called, like, five times.
[laughter]
And he called me "Bear," which was adorable.
[laughter]
He was like, "Hey, Bear.
Why don't you call me back, Bear?"
[laughter]
"I saw that you were recently on VH1's
"Why are you Wearing This?"
[laughter]
"40 Celebrity Slim-downs."
[laughter]
[laughs]
And I was pretty--oh, shit.
I was, uh...
I was pretty panicky about it.
And...but it was flagged.
And I was like, "All right, no harm, no foul."
And...through all this,
me and my daughter's mother stayed together.
We had a long talk, and we got through it.
We're not together now, but...
this one, we got through.
And I thought all was well.
And then...I found out
how you get something flagged
on Craigslist is,
a lot of people have to do it.
And I was like, "Wayne, how did you just flag it?"
He goes, "No, don't worry. We got it flagged.
It's no big deal."
And I go, "Okay, all right.
"Well, it's gone. That's all that matters.
You can't find it."
And then... do you guys remember,
a comedy mentor of mine--
I'm sure a lot of you guys know--
the late, great Patrice O'Neal.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
He was like a big brother to me
and really embraced me when I went to New York.
And for as long as I lived in New York,
while we was alive,
every Thanksgiving, me, my daughter,
and my ex would go to his house for Thanksgiving.
And my daughter's a baby still, and that next Thanksgiving,
I go to Patrice's house, and he goes--
he goes, "Hey, man, happy Thanksgiving."
"Hey, Jay, do me a favor.
Could you go hit the mouse on the computer real quick?"
[laughter]
And I was like, "Why? What's up, man?
[light laughter]
He was like, "Just...just go ahead.
Just smack the..."
Reluctantly, I walk over and smack this thing.
His whole screensaver is just a big old picture...
[laughter]
I'm pretty sure he died with that on his fucking computer.
I hope that house burns down.
Either that, or Patrice's mom has a picture of my dick
somewhere in her house.
[laughter]
I wanna say something, uh, before I get out of here.
'Cause you guys are a fucking awesome crowd,
and I'll tell you this,
this show is very important to me, man.
It really is, because...
with all some of the cool things
that have happened for me over the last couple of years,
my Comedy Central special,
and--and being on the radio and all this cool stuff,
started because Ari Shaffir,
when this was still a digital show,
they were only using LA comics,
and he wanted me on the show so bad,
he personally flew me out from New York
and put me up at his apartment to get me on this show,
which led to so many other fucking things.
And this my fourth or fifth story I've told on this show.
And that means the world to me,
that they keep bringing me back.
So keep supporting the show, man.
Thank you guys so much.
[cheers and applause]
[dark electronic music]
- Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.
[cheers and applause]