WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE WATCH THIS SHOW, BUT I KNOW, FIRST AND FOREMOST, YOU
COME FOR OUR ROCK-BOTTOM PRICES.
R
EVERY EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" IS 100% FREE!
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP BUYING WHATEVER OUR ADVERTISERS ARE
SELLING.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT STUFF IS GETTING PRICIER, BECAUSE THE NEW INFLATION
NUMBERS CAME OUT TODAY, AND PRICES HAVE JUMPED A WHOPPING
8.5% SINCE LAST MARCH.
8.5%!
THAT MEANS NO MORE SPLURGING AT THE GROCERY STORE.
INSTEAD OF MILWAUKEE'S BEST, IT'LL HAVE TO BE,
WAUKESHA'S EHHH?
( LAUGHTER )
THAT MUCH WORSE.
( APPLAUSE )
EHHH.
HOW BAD IS THIS?
THESE INFLATION RATES ARE THE HIGHEST SINCE 1981.
AND KEEP IN MIND, BACK IN 1981, THINGS WERE SO EXPENSIVE, YOUR
CEREAL BOWLTO DOUBLE AS YOUR HAT
( APPLAUSE )
YOU HAD TO WHIP INFLATION NOW.
YOU HAD TO WHIP IT GOOD.
OVERALL, THE ITEMS HIT HARDEST BY RISING PRICES ARE FOOD,
SHELTER, AND GASOLINE.
SO YOU SHOULDN'T, AFFECTED AS LONG AS YOU DON'T EAT ANYTHING,
BE ANYWHERE, OR GO ANYPLACE.
NOW TODAY-- WAS THIS JUST TODAY?
JUST TODAY.
DOWN IN WASHINGTON, IN AN EFFORT TO REDUCE GAS PRICES, PRESIDENT
BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL BE ALLOWING GASOLINE THAT USES A
15% ETHANOL BLEND.
OOH, A BLEND.
IT SOUNDS SO SOPHISTICATED.
>> UMM, I'M GETTING NOTES OF IOWA CORN.
SOME OAKY HYDROCARBONS.
OH, THIS IS REALLY FRACKING MY TASTE BUDS.
IS THIS FROM NORTH DAKOTA?" THIS BLEND IS CALLED E15 AND,
BECAUSE IT REQUIRES LESS CRUDE OIL, IT CAN COST 10 CENTS PER
GALLON LESS ON AVERAGE.
OKAY, SO THAT'S...
WHAT WAS THAT, 10% LESS?
TAKEN% THAT'S 15... THAT'S 59% BLEND.
SAVES 10 CENTS PER GALLON...
16 GALLONS IN A TANK OF GAS...
AVERAGE NATIONAL PRICE OF...
THAT COMES OUT TO...
YEAH, STILL NOT ENOUGH TO SAVE THE DEMOCRATS IN THE MIDTERMS.
( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD.
IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD.
NOT LOOKING GOOD.
MOVING ON TO COVID.
IT'S KUND OF A WEIRD TIME FOR COVID.
THE NATIONAL INFECTION RATE IS TICKING UP, BUT WE DON'T KNOW BY
HOW MUCH BECAUSE OF ALL THE AT-HOME TESTS.
STILL, SOME AREAS ARE TAKING ACTION.
LIKE YESTERDAY, WHEN PHILADELPHIA ANNOUNCED IT IS
REINSTATING ITS MASK MANDATE.
BECAUSE IT'S PHILLY, PEOPLE CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN SURGICAL MASKS,
KN95s, OR FULL GRITTY HEADS.
( LAUGHTER )
TO ASK PEOPLE TO PUT MASKS BACK ON AFTER THEY'VE HAD A TASTE OF
FACE FREEDOM, AS CNN'S ELIZABETH COHEN EXPLAINED:
>> IN GENERAL, I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE HAVE, VERY DIFFICULT
TO GET PEOPLE TO OBEY MASK MANDATES AGAIN.
TO JUST SAY, "HEY, WHENEVER YOU'RE IN A RESTAURANT OR
A STORE OR WHEREVER, WEAR A MASK."
I THINK THAT'S GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT TO DO.
>> Stephen: I AGREE.
IT'S ALREADY DIFFICULT ENOUGH JUST TO UNDERSTAND WHAT
PHILADELPHIANS ARE SAYING: >> I DIDN'T HAVE NO PRIME.
I DIDN'T HAVE NOTHIN'!
LEG'S ARE GOIN', EVERYTHING IS GOIN'.
NOBODY'S GETTIN' NO NOTHIN'.
GUY COMES UP, OFFERS ME A FIGHT.
BIG DEAL.
WANNA FIGHT THE FIGHT?
YEAH, I'LL FIGHT THE BIG FIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
I'M NOT...
<!0> I'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS ORDERING
A SALAD.
"DRESSING ON THE SIDE!" THE MANDATE WILL GO INTO EFFECT
THIS COMING MONDAY, IN ORDER TO PROVIDE A ONE-WEEK EDUCATION
PERIOD FOR BUSINESSES.
THE MANDATE'S ONLY BEEN OVER FOR A MONTH!
HOW MUCH RELEARNING IS THERE TO DO?
IT'S NOT LIKE EVERY CHRISTMAS I GO, "WHY IS THERE A TREE
IN OUR HOUSE?
WHO PUT THIS LAUNDRY ON THE MANTEL PIECE!
GET OUR CHILD OFF THAT OLD MAN'S LAP!
ARE YOU CRAZY!" OVER IN UKRAINE, WE ARE IN WEEK
SEVEN OF RUSSIA'S SUPPOSEDLY THREE-DAY INVASION.
THE SANCTIONS HAVE HAD A BRUTAL EFFECT ON THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY,
SO RUSSIA WANTS TO GET US BACK.
LAST NIGHT, OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES WARNED THAT PUTIN MAY
INCREASE EFFORTS TO INTERFERE WITH U.S. ELECTIONS.
AND JUST LISTEN TO THIS KREMLIN-CONNECTED PUNDIT SAY IT
BALDLY ON PUTIN'S RUSSIAN STATE TV:
>> (translated): IT IS TIME FOR US, FOR OUR
PEOPLE, TO CALL ON THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES TO CHANGE THE
REGIME IN THE U.S. EARLY AND TO AGAIN HELP OUR PARTNER TRUMP TO
BECOME PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: "AGAIN HELP"?
THEY'RE NOT EVEN PRETENDING ANYMORE.
RUSSIA'S INFLUENCE ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN IS GOING TO
BE OUT IN THE OPEN THIS TIME.
THAT'S WHY IN 2024 HE'S ALREADY SAID HE WILL BE REPLACING MIKE
PENCE.
HIS NEW RUNNING MATE?
IS POTATO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S LIKE A "WHERE'S WALDO?" GOTTA SAY, THE POTATO HAS MORE
CHARISMA THAN MIKE PENCE.
BUT AT LEAST PUTIN HAS MOVED ON TO THE NEXT ELECTION, UNLIKE
DISGRACED ATTORNEY AND RESTHOME GIGOLO, JOHN EASTMAN.
EASTMAN IS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FORMER LAWYER, WHO
HATCHED THE BRILLIANT PLOT TO HAVE MIKE PENCE OVERTURN THE
2020 ELECTION, AND HIS ELECTION CRIMES HAVE DRAWN THE JAN 6th
COMMITTEE'S ATTENTION.
THEY'VE ALREADY GOTTEN HIS DOCUMENTS AND EMAILS FROM HIM,
BUT HE'S NOT BACKING DOWN.
IN FACT, WE JUST LEARNED THAT EASTMAN IS STILL PUSHING TO
DECERTIFY THE 2020 ELECTION.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE ELECTION THAT'S BEEN OVER FOR A YEAR AND
A HALF, AND THAT BIDEN WON.
TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE, WHEN THE ELECTION WAS DECIDED,
J-LO WAS ENGAGED TO A DIFFERENT GUY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY?
SHE WAS-- THIS IS...
SHE WAS-- SHE WAS ENGAGED TO ALEX RODRIGUEZ.
FORGET BENNIFER, SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MRS. A-ROD!
I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL HIM.
THEY CALL HIM A-ROD, RIGHT?
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: NO?
I THINK THAT'S HOW THEY PRONOUNCE IT.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO, EASTMAN TOOK A TRIP TO WISCONSIN AND
URGED REPUBLICAN WISCONSIN ASSEMBLY SPEAKER, ROBIN VOSS, TO
NULLIFY THE 2020 ELECTION-- SPECIFICALLY, TO START
"RECLAIMING THE ELECTORS" AND MOVE FORWARD WITH EITHER HAVING
A NEW SLATE OF ELECTORS SEATED THAT WOULD DECLARE SOMEONE ELSE
THE WINNER, OR A DO-OVER.
A DO-OVER?
OUR EX-PRESIDENT ISN'T ALLOWED A DO-OVER JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
LIKE THE RESULT THE FIRST TIME.
THAT'S HOW YOU GET AN ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S DANGEROUS.
IT'S-- IT'S JUST-- SEE.
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DANGEROUS.
ONE PROBLEM WITH EASTMAN'S PLAN-- ALL OF IT.
HE'S TRYING TO RELITIGATE THE 2020 ELECTION, WHICH LEGAL
EXPERTS SAY IS IMPOSSIBLE.
ONLY IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER THROW AWAY MY "MONDALE '84" SIGNS.
FRITZ ONLY HAS TO OVERTURN 49 STATES.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, REAGAN.
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
REAGAN GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
RONNY'S GOING DOWN.
GOTTA BELIEVE!
( LAUGHTER )
AMERICA IS FULL OF RADICALS WHO SOW CHAOS AND DISTRUST IN OUR
ELECTIONS.
CASE IN POINT: GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND STAR OF
"HONEY I SHRUNK THE ANTI-SEMITE," MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE.
AS I SAID, EASTMAN IS IN THE CROSSHAIRS OF THE JANUARY 6
COMMITTEE, AND GREENE BELIEVES IT'S TIME THEY JUST GET OVER IT,
AS SHE SAID THIS WEEKEND: >> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE FED
UP WITH THIS OVER-DRAMATIZATION OF A RIOT THAT HAPPENED HERE AT
THE CAPITOL ONE TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THAT ONE TIME WAS PRETTY BAD.
( AS CANNIBAL )
I'VE MET, I EAT ONE OF THEM, AND SUDDENLY I'M
'CARL THE CANNIBAL,' AND 'A PERSON OF INTEREST IN AN
ONGOING INVESTIGATION'?
PASS THE KETCHUP AND GET OUT.
I WANNA FINISH MY...
CHICKEN FINGERS."
I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING.
THERE'S MAJOR NEWS NEWS.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT RAICHO-- I CALL HER RAICH-O--
RACHEL MADDOW RETURNED TO HER SHOW AFTER TWO MONTHS OFF AND
MADE THIS STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT:
>> I WILL BE HERE THIS MONTH, MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY NIGHTS,
AND THEN STARTING NEXT MONTH, STARTING IN MAY, I'M GONNA BE
HERE WEEKLY.
I'M GONNA BE HERE ON MONDAY NIGHTS.
AND WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
>> Stephen: OH, YES, WE WILL
RACHEL, YOU'RE BREAKING YOUR FANS' HEARTS.
DON'T LEAVE US WITH LAWRENCE O'DONNELL!
HE HAS DEAD EYES LIKE A DOLL!
( LAUGHTER )
RACHEL-- RACHEL WAS--
HE'S A LOVELY GUY.
HE'S A LOVELY FELLOW.
RACHEL CUTTING BACK TO ONE NIGHT A WEEK RAISES AN IMPORTANT
QUESTION: CAN YOU DO THAT?
( LAUGHTER )
THAT?
I'VE BEEN DOING A NIGHTLY SHOW FOR 17 YEARS.
I'M AGING FASTER THAN A BUCKET OF UNREFRIGERATED SHRIMP.
( LAUGHTER )
WEEK IN ORDER TO WORK ON OTHER PROJECTS, LIKE PODCASTS AND
POTENTIAL TV DRAMAS.
TV DRAMAS?
I GUESS IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE GET "RACHEL IN
PARIS."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MOLLY SHANNON AND CONGRESSWOMAN CORI BUSH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪