♪♪
-You're watching WXPD News, New York.
-Good morning, everyone.
Our top story today, a prestigious New York college
is reeling following a drug bust on campus.
Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene,
who today is celebrating his 58th year at our network.
Herb?
-Hello, Don.
-Hello, Herb, and congratulations.
Now, tell us what's happening on campus.
-I'm here with Derrick Smalls, uh, Jr.
-Uh, actually, it's just Derrick Smalls.
I'm a junior in school.
-[ Mumbles ]
Now, tell me, uh, what happened?
[ Microphone thuds ]
-Uh, o-okay.
Yeah, the police came in with, like, dogs and stuff,
and they busted in -- into the Hinckley dorm.
-Are you, uh, sleepwalking?
Do you -- Do you have the flu? [ Microphone thuds ]
-Uh...wh-what?
-You're wearing pajama bottoms. Terry, get a shot of this.
-Uh, okay.
That's just like, uh, that's -- that's what I wear.
-Well, there you have it.
Changing times and changing fashions.
Back to you, Jack.
-No, no, Herb, Herb, no. Let's follow up a little, okay?
Did the young man know the students involved? Come on.
-What?
-Did the young man know the students involved?
Come on. Dig deeper. Let's go.
-Don't give me the high hat.
Did you know the students? [ Microphone thuds ]
-Yeah, uh, yeah, actually, no, I bought from one of the gu--
I mean, no, no, I don't know 'em.
-Are you sad they're tearing down Ebbets Field?
[ Microphone thuds ] -Oh, come on, Herb!
Come on. -I-I don't know what --
what you're talking about.
-Exactly. Let's stay on story, please.
-Who -- Who's your favorite player?
Is it -- is it Pee Wee Reese? [ Microphone thuds ]
-You know, this guy, like, keeps hitting me in the face.
Is that -- that's just how TV works?
-No. No, no, it is not.
Herb, be professional.
-Jack, why don't you sit on your jacket and I'll do the news?
-Will you please ask him the question?
-Did you -- Did you know about the drugs?
-Okay, um, I, uh...
Well -- [ Microphone thuds ]
-Answer me. [ Microphone thuds ]
-Okay.
Yeah, look, no one here is high, okay? I swear.
-Excuse me, I'm an R.A. here, and that's not true at all.
-A sad day in Brooklyn. Back to you, Jack.
-No, Herb. Herb, no.
Why don't you turn around and talk to that R.A.?
-I'm not going to take reporter lessons from a can of hairspray.
-Herb!
-All right.
All right.
-Come on, Herb. Hold it together, Herb.
-Lay it on me, my man. What went down?
[ Microphone thuds ]
-Uh...yeah.
No one here is surprised.
Uh, drugs have been a problem in the dorms for some time.
-There you have it. A city college now fully integrated.
-No! No.
No, that is not the story, Herb.
-Don't tell me how to frame the lead.
-Hey! No way! Am I on TV?
Whoo! It's Gecko, not Geico!
-Get out of my shot, beatnik.
-[ Screaming ] -Oh, no, Herb, come on.
Herb! Uh, come on, Herb. Damn it!
-Yo, Jack, I mean, I know why you're angry,
but this guy is, like, kind of awesome.
-Yeah, well he should be doing his job.
-Maybe I ought to be the anchor again.
-You can't, Herb. You can't, because you were
fired for praying the Rosary on the air.
-Father Pat says God loves Herb Welch.
-Yeah, well, Father Pat doesn't run the network.
-Don't talk about my parish.
-Okay, okay. [ Microphone thudding ]
All right. Let's just cut away, please.
Can we cut away?
All right, our apologies to you at home.
Up next, we'll talk to Police Chief Ray Kelly.
Oh, but first some sad news.
We've just received word that our own Herb Welch
suddenly died five seconds ago.
We go to the scene now.
-I'm not dead, you -- [ Mutters ]
-Good morning, everyone. I'm Jack Rizzoli.
-And I'm Wanda Ramirez.
-Our top story today -- a junior-high school
in Long Island has been evacuated
after a dangerous carbon-monoxide leak.
Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene,
who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network.
Hello, Herb. -Hello, Jay.
-Now, Herb, walk us through what's happening at that school.
Have all the students been evacuated?
-I've, uh -- I've got a guy.
This is teacher Dan McLardy.
-It's -- It's McDonald, actually -- Dan McDonald.
-It's the same thing.
All right, all right, what happened?
-Well -- Well, we were told about the leak this morning.
And, uh, so I gathered the children
and had them evacuate the school.
-What, uh -- what -- what -- what kind of teacher?
-Uh...I'm an art -- art teacher.
-Like with the macaroni and the --
[Breathing heavily]
and the yarn?
-I -- uh, I-I teach drawing, actually.
-Well, there you have it.
Like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay.
Back to you, Jay. -No, no, no.
Herb, hold on second.
Stay -- stay -- stay there a minute, okay?
Does Dan know what caused the leak?
-What? -Do-- [ Chuckles ]
Does Dan know what caused the leak?
-I don't know what caused it, Jack.
-I know you don't know, Herb. I know you don't.
Ask him, "Do you know what caused the leak?"
-Hey, don't write my copy, you lifeguard.
What leaked?
-The boilers in the school ha--
have been a problem for a long time, and I, for one,
am appalled that -- -Hey.
-That the school -- the school has been --
-Come on, Herb.
-Hey, I got a question for you.
Do you think, uh -- do you think Lucille Ball is a -- a pinko?
-Okay. I'm sorry. Did you say Lucille Ball?
-Herb, exactly. Stay on point, please.
-Name names. Come on.
-Herb, does Dan think school officials
were aware of the problem?
-[ Groans ]
Hey, you see the fights last night?
-No. Come on, Herb.
Herb, wanda asked you a question.
-Yeah, she can go back to her kitchen.
-No.
Herb. Herb, answer her.
-I'm not taking my setups from a hat-check girl.
-I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Can we talk about the students, please?
They were put in real danger by our principal.
That -- That man right over there!
-Excuse me. That is absolutely not true.
-And that's the news.
Stay tuned for "Playhouse 90" with Lee J. Cobb. Thank you.
-No, Herb, Herb, turn around and talk to that principal.
Come on. -What? [ Groans ]
Suck an egg, you mannequin.
All right, come here.
Come here.
[ Horn honks ] -You suck, Herb Welch!
-Thank you.
All right.
All right, now -- now -- now, who are you?
-Uh, I'm the principal here. My name is Ken Yee.
-Ah. Banzai, huh? Remember me?
-No, Herb! Herb, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Herb, come on! Come on!
The war is over, Herb. -What happened? What did I do?
-Well, you blew the story. That's what you did.
-I'm sorry. Jack, maybe you should be
a little more patient with Herb.
He may be old, but that just means his -- Stop moving.
That just means that his soul is wise.
-Jack, if Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor,
he'd turn over in his grave.
-No, he wouldn't, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.
-They burned my friend. -Okay, come on.
Herb, come on. Pull it together, buddy.
-You son of a bitch.
-Okay. Just cut away.
Can we cut away from him, please?
Oh, man.
As always, we apologize to you
in the Asian and female communities.
Up next, we'll talk to Long Island officials -- Thank you.
Oh, but first, some very sad news.
We've just received word that our own Herb Welch
died five seconds ago.
Here he is seen on assignment in 1963.
Mr. Welch had been in bad health.
We go now to the scene. Gentlemen, what happened?
-Uh, th-the guy started to to cough, and then he turned pale.
Then he wasn't breathing.
-Surprise!
-Cut away! Cut away!
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Well, it appears Mr. Welch is still alive
and as unprofessional as ever.
So -- Oh. How is that -- How is that possible?
-You're watching WXPD News, New York.
-Good morning, everyone. I'm Jack Rizzoli.
-And I'm Wanda Ramirez.
-Our top story today --
residents of an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning
after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice
from the outside of the building.
Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year
with the station is on the scene. Hello, Herb.
-Hello, James.
-Tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?
-Well, they changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass,
so I'm not doing too well.
-No, not your mood, Herb. -Huh?
-Not your mood, Herb.
I'm asking how are the residents of that building.
-I got some lady.
Who are you?
-My name is Cynthia Corelina Ronawitz.
-Ugh. Pick a name.
All right. What happened?
-Ever since this storm, melting icicles have been
falling onto the street, and I was almost hit
on my way to work.
-What are you, a cigarette girl?
-No, I don't smoke.
Look, this ice is dangerous,
and no one's doing anything about it.
-Well, there you have it.
You call it a bikini, but I call it too far.
Back to you, Jim.
-No, Herb. Stay on topic, Herb. -What?
-Stay on topic.
Ask your source if anyone's been injured or something like that.
-Don't direct me, you tie rack.
All right, hey.
Hey.
Who's injured?
-No one, thank God.
It's only a matter of time before some is hurt or worse.
-You think this Bellefonte kid, you know, ought to pipe down?
-Got me in the mouth.
-Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint
with the co-op board?
-Ugh, this lady.
-Herb. Herb, ask her.
-Shouldn't you be changing hotel linen somewhere?
-No. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist.
Now ask the question.
-You stink on ice.
-Look, our co-op president is right over there,
and she has repeatedly ignored our request.
She even sent a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.
-That is slander! I did nothing of the sort.
-All right, and that's the news!
For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herby Welch,
reminding you to keep your socks dry.
-No. No, Herb, do the story.
Do it. Do the story, please.
-I'll do this. [ Mumbles ] Come here.
Come here.
-Tell me, sir, how does a fella like you fit in all this?
-Yeah, I'm a woman.
-Woman? Let me see.
-Herb.
Herb.
Come on.
There is always a life in the church.
-Dinosaur. -Ah, get away from me.
-Hey, now, come on, Herb. Herb! -That guy attacked me.
-Well, you know, Herb,
maybe it's time you looked into retirement.
-Hey, talk to me like that again,
and I'll have my secretary, Emelda, fire off a memo.
-No, Emelda's not your secretary, Herb,
she's your nurse. -That woman is mean to me.
-Well, I don't blame her. -You son of a --
-Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.
As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic
and unattractive communities.
Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month --
All right.
Oh, but first, some sad news.
We just received word that our own Herb Welch
died five seconds ago.
Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney,
had been in ill health for some time.
We go there now.
-Yeah, can we get a body removal?
We've an elderly dead body.
-Eat mine, Fonzie!
-This man is a awf--
-Herb Welch lives!
-Just terrible.
-Can't we fire him?
-[ Laughs ]
Oh.