Hi, my name is David Sedaris,
and I feel fantastic about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
That's so nice.
Because last time you came on, you said apprehensive.
I know but I didn't know you.
And then, I gotta say, I said to people afterwards, I said,
"He's the greatest guy."
I said, you know, there's one thing,
you know you see somebody on television
or even if you go on television,
'cause that's more of a kind of a mill situation,
when there's a pre-interview and all that stuff.
But I said, "No, if you met him,"
I said, "you'd be crazy about him."
That's so nice.
I now, of course, my mind goes right to
what's wrong with the television persona?
Why didn't that grab you?
It's almost as if you're saying,
and this is how I hear things, isn't it crazy,
Conan O'Brien seems like a really great guy
despite what you would think?
That's what I hear, anybody else?
What I meant was, you know what?
It's not about you, it's about me.
Because if I have to go on TV,
I just think, I just want this to be over
and I'm really nervous about it and I'm terrified
and I'm trying to remember
what it is that I'm supposed to say.
So it's really not about you, it's about me.
But this is a bit different.
I don't know, in part because it's not being filmed and-
Who's gonna tell him that there's actually, there are-
Four cameras.
There are four cameras here.
So this is being filmed.
So many HD cameras.
And guess what?
There's a live audience watching at the Staples Center.
35,000 people are watching right now.
But when I first did your show,
your show had just started.
Mm-hmm, oh, that was it.
So that was a long time ago.
Yeah, and things were pretty rough back then.
I would often cry halfway through the interview
(chuckling) for no reason.
But I think we were both with the same people back then.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, we were, actually
We don't need to find new partners every few years.
No.
We don't need to do that.
No.
That's for other people.
Someone's relationships gotta last, right?
Well, how long have you,
because I know you've been with Hugh for quite a long time.
31 years.
Wow, 31 years?
Yeah.
I've been with my wife for 22.
Six of those years quite happy, really off the charts.
We are people that go the long haul, that's what I say.
If my sister, Amy, was here,
she would attribute that to our astrological signs.
Oh.
She's constantly trying to convert me.
I've never been a believer.
I don't understand
what the position of the stars has to do with anything.
No, me neither.
And so, I adore your sister
and she's one of the most talented people I've ever met
and just a delightful person,
but I think she's off her rocker
if she thinks that Pluto's position has anything to do with
how we behave or what we're doing.
Do you know what I mean?
No, I feel the same way.
Yeah.
I feel that about astrology, I feel that way about ghosts.
Yes.
I hate hearing about ghosts.
When you're at a dinner or something,
and someone says, "I stayed at this Holiday Inn
and it's haunted."
And okay, that Holiday Inn is seven years old.
(all laughing loudly)
My house in England is 500 years old, right?
So why isn't my house?
If anyone's house was gonna be haunted, it would be mine.
I love a seven year old structure being haunted.
Who's haunting it?
Well, it was someone who worked
in Obama's second administration.
He worked it with OSHA, but what happened?
Oh, he just got a blister
and it got outta control and he passed away, but he haunts.
And the other thing,
and we've talked about this, is it really irritates me
that there doesn't seem to be any rules
about why a place is haunted.
Meaning sometimes a place is haunted
because the person died there, which makes sense to me.
But then there are other people that say,
"Oh no, it's haunted by an old coal miner."
"Oh, really? Well, where did he die?
Did he die here in the house?"
"Oh no, he died like 65 miles from here."
But then he took public transportation
and set up shop in this house
that was built four years ago that has solar panels.
You're like, (beep) no.
No, according to an expert, that Amy talked to,
ghosts can come into your house
by way of secondhand clothing.
So if you go to Goodwill,
you bring home a t-shirt,
that could be bringing a ghost into your house.
If you buy a piece of antique furniture,
the ghosts can come into your house that way.
My house is full of ghosts then.
Yeah, it's like a deer tick, a ghost now.
So when your kids have been out playing,
you should check them for ghosts
when they come back in the house
to make sure that everything's,
"Well, no, no, no, no, hold on a second,
there's an old widower of a sea captain
clinging to your calf."
But see that way,
you could have had your house built for you
and you could move into it and there could be a ghost
because somebody who came to put new filters
in the air conditioner, like the ghost could have traveled.
Oh.
Also, ghosts are often up to not much.
You'll say, "How do you know there's a ghost?"
They'll say, "Well, at night,
I can hear there's a radiator grate
that's on the third floor, but towards the back,
and it's slightly always adjusting."
And you're like, what?
If you were in the afterlife for all eternity,
that's what you'd be doing is adjusting a radiator grate?
But they always make it seem like,
okay, you have ghosts in your house,
but you are so self-centered,
you're so shallow that you can't pick up on them, right?
So it's something about your personality, right?
You're deficient in some way,
because you can't pick up on the ghost
that this other in tune person
can pick up on. Can pick up on it.
Right, right.
It's just bullshit from beginning to end,
the whole ghost thing.
Yeah, ghosts, astrology, Amy Sedaris,
if you're out there listening, we're not having it,
we're not having it,
and your brother and I are ganging up on you.
Well, we need to arrange an intervention.
That's what we need to do. Yes.