-Thank you very much.
It is Friday. It is Fri-yay.
[ Cheers ] Let's do it. Come on, now.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, new polling shows President Trump's support
among senior citizens has slipped
in key battleground states, and you could tell
Trump's worried 'cause look at what he just announced
to help win back older voters.
-Under my plan, 33 million Medicare beneficiaries
will soon receive a card in the mail containing $200
that they can use to help pay for prescription drugs.
Nobody's seen this before. These cards are incredible.
The cards will be mailed out in coming weeks.
I will always take care of our wonderful senior citizens.
-Wow. That is exciting.
I mean, between the $200 card
and the second COVID stimulus check, that's $200.
[ Laughter ]
I did a little Kenan Thompson, a little...
[ Laughter ]
I stole his move. Kenan, I stole your move.
That's right, Trump is really pandering to seniors today.
He also announced that his new attorney general is Matlock.
[ Laughter ]
Not only that, Trump's also changing his slogan to
"Chicken soup in every pot and nickel slots in every garage."
[ Laughter ]
It was a big announcement.
When history looks back at our great achievements
in healthcare, they'll think,
Lyndon Johnson's Medicare and Medicaid,
Obama's Affordable Care Act,
and now Trump's plastic coupon.
[ Laughter ]
I think Trump might be out of touch with the average American,
'cause if there's one thing people don't need
it's another savings card on their key chain.
It's like, "Are you a member?"
"Ah. I'm not." "You want to be?"
"I-I really don't."
"It only takes about 45 minutes."
[ Laughter ]
Trump's like everyone who waits too long to order a present
and then panic-buys a gift card.
Like, "Oh, gosh. Do they go to Bass Pro Shops?
Sure." [ Laughter ]
On top of the discount card, Trump also signed
an executive order to protect people
with preexisting conditions, which is already in Obamacare.
That's like the new C.E.O. of Olive Garden saying,
"And I'm happy to introduce my new idea --
unlimited breadsticks." [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Speaking of the President, this is going viral.
A CNN reporter snapped a photo of a duplex in Dallas
where one side is covered in Biden flags,
the other side is decked out for Trump.
Take a look at this. This is real.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, even crazier,
there's an undecided voter living in the chimney.
[ Laughter ]
That's pretty over-the-top.
Even people who bought the 12-foot skeleton
from Home Depot were like, "Y'all need to tone it down."
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this -- an exhibit just opened
at the Richard Nixon presidential library
that reveals Trump and Nixon were pen pals in the 1980s.
Yeah, it's pretty historic. Here are some of the letters.
♪♪
-"Dear Mr. President, you're one of my idols.
Next time you're in New York City,
I'd be honored if you stay at Trump Tower.
I can get us tickets to "Starlight Express,"
a spectacular Broadway show about singing trains.
Really thought-provoking stuff.
Yours, Donald."
-"Dear Donald, so happy to receive your letter.
You remind me of myself if I were 30 years younger,
not as bright, but also not as paranoid,
and had the exact same ego.
Have you thought of running for president one day?
Best regards, Richard.
-"Dear Richard, I have considered being president.
Either that or a game-show host. Keeping my options open.
My only fear of being president would be screwing up
and leaving the White House in disgrace.
Best, Don Don." [ Laughter ]
-Dear Don Don, that's the mistake I made -- leaving.
The secret is to stay in office
no matter how many scandals you have.
And here's a hot tip -- even if you're voted out of office,
you can always refuse to leave.
With any luck, one day you too
will be lurching through the White House halls like an ogre,
despised by America, continuing the work I started.
Your friend, Dicky Baby."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"Dear -- Dear Don Don."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I saw, you guys, that United Airlines is taking
a big step to try and get people flying again.
Check out their plan.
-United is the first U.S. airline to roll out
a COVID testing program for passengers
starting October 15th.
Bay Area flyers bound for Hawaii will be given the option
to order an at-home testing kit
or reserve a time for a rapid test at the airport.
-It's like United looked at the TSA line and thought,
"What if we probed even deeper?"
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, if you test positive, you can still fly.
They just give you a pillow
and stuff you in the overhead compartment.
[ Laughter ]
In sports news, it was a big night for NBC
'cause tonight was game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals...
[ cheers and applause ]
...with Tampa Bay and Dallas facing off in Edmonton.
Tampa Bay's enforcers have been unstoppable this season.
Hey, you guys know what an enforcer does, right?
Just checking. -[ Whistle blows ]
[ Groans ]
Sorry there, Jimmy, I'mma have to send you back
to the penalty box for that one.
-Come on!
[ Laughter ]
-Ooh, this has got to be disappointing for Fallon,
whose monologue was on fire right up till that last joke.
[ Laughter ] Here's hoping this penalty
doesn't derail him too badly for the rest of the show.
Let's see what happens.
[ Buzzer ]
-Um...
[ Laughter ]
-Tonight was game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals.
[ Laughter ]
Tampa Bay and Dallas facing off.
It's pretty exciting 'cause the last time
Texas and Florida got together, truck nuts were born.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is interesting. Amazon just unveiled
a new kind of home-security camera
that I've never really seen before.
Watch this.
-Amazon announcing a new Ring security camera
that is fixed on top of a flying drone.
It's meant to fly through your house
when you're not there and record footage,
show you what's going on there.
-I actually think this is a great invention.
It's way better than what I usually do.
GoPro tied to a ceiling fan.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, every nanny saw that and was like,
"I get it. You don't trust me."
[ Laughter ]
"Find someone else."
Here's some good news for restaurants in New York City.
Listen to this.
-Outdoor dining is becoming permanent year 'round.
Mayor de Blasio making that announcement,
but he's also making the open restaurants
initiative permanent, so that means the streets
and sidewalk areas blocked off for dining right now
are going to stay that way. -Yeah, open year 'round.
Be a little tricky in the winter.
The waiter will give you a basket of warm rolls
and then turn away while you stuff them in your pants.
[ Laughter ]
On the bright side, you won't need a steak knife.
You can just use your nipples.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of New York City, officials just found something
pretty interesting in one of the storage rooms
at Grand Central Station. Check this out.
-Three transit employees are accused of
turning a storage room at Grand Central Station
into their own personal man-cave.
Officials say they found a futon, a large flat-screen TV,
a fridge, workout equipment, even an A.C.
[ Laughter ] -What?
-Hey, could we see that couch in that man-cave again?
[ Laughter ] Oh, gosh.
The only thing that belongs on that couch
is a giant bedbug smoking a cigarette.
[ Inhales ] "Want a beer?"
[ Laughter ]
That isn't a futon, it's actually one giant sleeping rat.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, that bed is -- that's where they take you
if you book the presidential suite
at the Times Square Hampton Inn.
It's true. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, guys, journalists have a tough job these days,
and there's been so many great TV reporters
working out in the field,
but because everyone's wearing face masks,
we realize it's possible to make it seem like they're saying,
well, anything. So with that in mind, it's time
for another installment of "Face Mask the Nation."
Check it out.
♪ Face mask the nation ♪
-We're gonna talk about the Arizona Senate race.
[ Inhales loudly ]
We discovered every time I breathe through my mask...
[ Inhales loudly ]
...you can see every breath I take.
[ Inhales loudly ]
-You think I got what it takes for "America's Got Talent"?
[ Inhales loudly ]
-So, I show up to the hospital, and I say,
"I'd like to volunteer as a candy striper,"
and the nurse says, "It doesn't work that way.
You gotta sign up, and it helps if you're a high school kid."
I say, "Look, I got the outfit. This is my lunch hour.
Do you want a candy striper or not?"
-Am I a "Mortal Kombat" character? Yes.
Do I know Scorpion's finishing move? Of course.
His fatality is a flaming skull.
Do I know anything about politics? Yes.
If by politics you mean arcade fighting games from the '90s.
-I tried eating lunch through my mask the other day,
and I'll tell you something, I do not recommend it,
unless you want a lap full of soup, Jack!