In our relationships, we have to ask people to help us out with things.
Maybe it's our spouse, maybe it's our children,
maybe it's our co-workers. And then something happens.
Always it's going to happen that person at one time or another is not going to
follow through. What do we do? Do we remind them?
Do we nag them? That's what people struggle with because nobody wants to be
a nag. Well, what really is nagging in a
relationship. I'm Nicholeen Peck and I'm a relationship
expert. I teach everything related to self-mastery or self-government. And in
this video today, we're going to be talking about
"What is nagging in a relationship?"
Nags definitely have a bad reputation. Nobody wants to be known as the nag.
And people will say that as a negative comment about other people. "Oh, she's such
a nag." Or "He always just nags everybody all the
time. Oh, my parents are nagging me. My wife is such a nag." There's such a
negative connotation to this. In fact, we usually think of it as a
person who is very impatient, maybe controlling,
someone who is emotionally manipulating another person.
And the reason why we create that type of association
with nagging is because it's true. That's what it feels like.
It feels like somebody is taking away your freedom somehow. That they're trying
to force you to do something that they want you to do
in a way that's kind of passive aggressive. Sometimes even full
on aggressive but there's guilt trips, there's constant
reminders. So, then parents want to know "Well,
can't I ever remind anybody? I mean, what do I do then? Do I
just let it not happen?" Because sometimes we've got to give our
children instructions. We need them to accomplish things.
They've got to be part of life. But how do we do it without nagging
the person? It reminding is usually thought of
as a kind thing to do. I'm going to give somebody a gentle reminder, a kind
reminder. And there are things that I like to
think of as a kind remind but they do not appear like nagging in
any way. And I think many people don't know where the line is between
reminding a person or helping somebody succeed
and nagging. True nagging is actually just
manipulation. And it's based in inconsistency in the relationship.
So, if you're nagging a spouse or you're being nagged by a spouse,
or you're nagging a child or the child is nagging you
(which can happen too) then what you are recognizing or that other person is
recognizing is that there is inconsistency in your
relationship. Which means the family is not following
through or someone in the relationship is not
following through with what it is that they should be
doing to create a healthy communication in that relationship. One of the reasons
that we are not consistent in our relationships
is because we don't actually have the skills to do the communication that we
would like to do. So, a lot of people are making it up as
they go. And when you're making it up as you go,
you run the risk of taking things personally.
Meaning, the actions of other people that you would take those actions
personally. And when you start taking the actions personally,
then soon you start pushing harder and harder and harder
to get your way. So, that's when the nagging comes in.
It's not necessary to nag anyone. I can promise you it's not necessary. So, if
you've ever felt like before, "Well, I have to nag because there's no other way
they'll do it. There's no other way they'll finally get
it done or they'll follow through." That is actually a lie that we make up
in our heads to rationalize our own behavior. We don't have to nag.
We just need the skills in place so that the nagging doesn't need to
occur. Well, in this video, I want to share with you the skills i
use so that i don't have to nag. The principle behind good communication
is consistency. So, if you are going to be
consistent, that means that you point everything
back to cause and effect. People have to understand cause and
effect in order to properly communicate. I don't know if you realize that.
If you don't focus on cause and effect, you'll end up focusing on your emotional
reactions instead. And nagging usually is stemmed from
emotional reactions. So, how do I keep myself focused on cause
and effect? I use certain skills. One of the main
skills that is going to be effective at combating the urgency or
the craving to nag is following instructions.
So, we need to know how to follow instructions. Our children need to know
how to follow instructions. And just so you know, the children don't
get to give us instructions because that's not their role.
However, if we understand the skill then we can properly know how to correct
things when it goes wrong and how to prepare them for future
success. There are 5 steps to following an instruction.
You look at the person, keep a calm face voice and body.
Say okay or ask to disagree appropriately.
Do the task immediately and then check back.
If a person knows all 5 of those steps and they can
use them as a skill set together then that person has the edge up on
getting things done and then that eliminates as much
necessity for nagging or reminding. When we're focusing on cause
and effect, we have to also remember that a person
needs to have the opportunity to see the
results of their actions. I think a lot of parents or spouses
remind, remind, remind which turns into nag
each other because they want the other person to succeed.
They don't want to have to correct a problem.
Well, if we're afraid of correcting problems,
then the person is always going to have a dependency
upon more reminders which means more nagging. If you are nagging, nagging,
nagging. Reminding, reminding, reminding which are
nearly the same thing, your tolerances are way too high.
That means you are putting up with all kinds of misbehavior,
disrespect, bad communications. Your consistency
is not there. Good self-governed communication
which fosters unity love and understanding
has low tolerances. Which means everyone analyzes themselves and puts
themselves on the mark that they're shooting for
again and again and again. So, that they're the
most successful. So, this means you have to correct
problems. Now, correcting problems in a calm and effective way
is the best way to correct those problems. I know that many people get
angry or upset and emotional when the correcting is
happening. That's just as damaging as nagging.
So, you need to make sure that your method for correction
is something that you can feel really good and confident about that you know
will unite your hearts together and help you and your children solve a
problem and move on feeling like it was no big
deal. So, good consistent correcting is a key
factor in helping you not nag or helping somebody else
not nag you. So, even in a husband and wife relationship, we have to be able to
correct each other. There are so many videos on my channel
about correcting. Here's one you might want to take a look at
after you're done with this video which will give you more information on
how to do effective correction. As well as correcting,
we have to praise. Because praising also teaches cause and effect.
So, if you want your children or your spouse to be
more successful at following through with the things that you are asking them
to do, then you need to tell them when things
went well. You need to tell them they did a great job and describe
exactly what they did that was so good. This also teaches them
cause and effect and it helps them crave more of that positive feedback from you.
So, it's not just a correcting that happens
or a talk about a situation and pointing in a new direction
that they get all the time. But sometimes they found out
they did something really well and they want to repeat that behavior.
That motivates a person to remember the next time
all on their own which is self-government. Finally,
the big guns in controlling the impulse to nag another person is
pre-teaching. The teaching self-government parenting system
that I am known for teaching hinges on the principle of pre-teaching.
Which means that a person is told ahead of time
what skills they need and how to handle a situation
before they even find themselves in that situation. So,
this means that before i give a child an instruction,
i might tell them what the steps are to following an instruction and what
they can expect if the outcome goes well or if it doesn't. And then i do not have
to nag. Everything has been laid out on the
table ahead of time. So, a really good pre-teach sounds like
this, "Susie, I'm going to give you an instruction. Do
you remember how to follow an instruction?"
Then Susie might say, "Yes." And that she might even tell me
those 5 steps which are to look at the person,
keep a calm face voice and body say okay or ask to disagree appropriately,
do the task immediately and then check back.
So, then I'll praise her and say, "Great job.
You know all five steps really well. Now, i'm going to give you an instruction
right now. Remember to get yourself all the way to
the check back and have that calm face voice and
body. And you know if you need to talk to me about it,
you can always do that disagree appropriately step.
Here's your instruction: I need you to clean the bathroom sink, okay?" Then
Susie knows in her mind, "I look at the person keep a
calm face voice and body. Say, okay or ask to disagree appropriately.
Do the task immediately and then check back." So, she looks at me and says,
"Okay." Then she goes to clean the bathroom sink.
And then she comes back and says, "Mom, I clean the sink. Is there anything else?"
I set her... And then I praise her of course. Always praise, right?
But I set her up in that situation to succeed.
I told her ahead of time this is exactly what you need to do.
And if you're worried about a doddler, you might even say
in the instruction, "I'm going to give you an instruction to clean the bathroom
sink. You have 10 minutes to do it and then
you need to check back. And if you don't clean it up in 10
minutes, then I will come in and do a correction."
And and then they know exactly how your correction is going to happen because
you've already pre-taught that. My children know the exact words that I
will say as part of my correction. And they know
every negative consequence that they would ever
earn because we have made that very simple in our home,
very predictable. They can actually do all of the parenting scripts
that I use. You know what that does for them? Decreases their anxiety,
decreases the need to be reminded or nagged
and motivates them or empowers them to manage themselves, to govern
themselves which is the goal of all the teaching
with my children. So, if you really want to do a kind
remind for your family members and the people
you have relationships with maybe even at the office,
think in terms of doing a pre-teach. Set them up for success
before you even give them an instruction. Then follow through so that they get the
opportunity to self-govern. Self-government
and understanding that concept what it really means
and the skills associated with that is liberating. I never knew that I would
love communication, love parenting, love
sorting out problems with my loved ones and friends as much as I do. Because
there's no stress associated with it when you know how to
govern yourself and you have good communication skills. I
think you're going to love the next video which is What Is The
First Step in Effective Parenting? This is
going to teach you a whole lot more about self-government
and help you improve your relationships and create unity.